Why Is It So Much Fun?

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Loneliness and feeling like an outcast is such an unpleasant feeling. Unfortunately, often it is a huge part of my life. I have never felt like a true teenager, or feel like I fit in with my classmates. Today was especially bad.
I am a lifeguard and tonight all of the guards were at the pool cleaning it up for summer. Most of the lifeguards are already graduated, but most are only 19 years old: three years older than me. Well, the group I was with would not stop talking about parties. Parties, Parties, and more parties. The types of parties that you only see in movies and you don't think actually happen.
Most of the talking was about getting totally wasted on alcohol. I just don't understand and can't grasp the thought, why is it so much fun? Why is not remembering anything you did all night fun? Why is being passed out on the sidewalk fun? How is being drawn all over while you were asleep fun? How is throwing up your guts in front of tons of people fun? How is embarrassing yourself by trying to go to the bathroom everywhere fun? And how is it fun to wake up beside a person you don't know, and don't remember why you are there? For about two hours these are the "fun" things that my fellow lifeguards talked about.
Hearing them talk about all this just makes me feel more lonely and isolated. I have no intentions of ever drinking, it's just not for me, but I feel as if I don't belong. I feel like these kid's mother, thinking to myself " don't do that sort of stuff!"
It's not like people my age, and my grade aren't doing all of that too. I know they are. Even kids years younger than me are doing things I wouldn't even think about doing. Some girls in the eighth grade have STDS. That's just not right.
I always thought that when I became a teenager, I would be rebellious and act out like everyone thinks teenagers are supposed to do. Most do that, but for some reason my time never came. I always ask myself, " Why do I have to act so mature? Why can't I have fun being a teenager now? I need to cherish this time before it's gone." But I know I can't change who I am. It's not possible. I am, and never will be a party person. I will never be wild and crazy. I will never be a real teenager. It's hard for me to accept, but I have to face the truth. I am a 20 something stuck in a 16 year old body, and I am not like everybody else.
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1 lovely little notes:

Grace =) said...

Hi! I found your blog via A Cat of Impossible Color. You have a very cute style!

Don't feel like you have to be rebellious or careless to be a real teenager or to fit in with others. I was never a rebellious kid either and I'm 21 now. I go to a school that has a reputation for partying and I am definitely not a partier! I have not had any trouble finding friends there who don't party and who try to be mature and responsible. I got involved in Campus Crusade for Christ and they have been awesome about welcoming me in and being incredibly friendly and welcoming. Hang in there! You'll have a blast as a young adult all the more because you won't be getting into trouble and dealing with bad grades and academic probations, money problems, etc. that often accompanies a partying lifestyle.

Being a teenager and young adult is definitely tough. It's not as easy or clear cut as movies make it seem. You'll be just fine though. Don't be afraid to stand out and be mature. It can be very lonely sometimes, but it's sooo not worth it to compromise your standards or to feel like something is wrong with you. Never doubt how much you're worth or what you can contribute to a group.

Anyway, I mostly meant to say you have great style and a fun blog. And don't let others get you down. Life's too short! :)

Have a wonderful, blessed day!

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