Polka Dot Dress: Forever21.
Red Cardigan: Gabriel Brother's.
Tan Heels: Thrifted.
It's easy for a person to hide behind all sorts of things in life. They can hide behind the past and let it cover up all they wish not to resurface. They can hide behind their best friend so that they're always safe and never lonely. They can hide behind a simple blanket, covering themselves up from the world so no one can see them. And what do I hide behind? Clothes.
For years and years clothing has been a way for me to mask my insecurities and hide them. Four years ago you wouldn't recognize me if you even tried. Self-consciousness flooded my life and insecurities masked my individuality. I found an outlet though that helped me deal with my self-hatred and that was clothing. I began to see that wearing a dress and heels made me feel...pretty. Something I had never felt before. By dressing up, I felt that people would look at the clothing on my body and not my face. They could look at my outfit and think, 'what a beautiful outfit,' because I know they would never think, 'what a beautiful face.'
I got into the nasty habit of dressing ridiculously nice in order to distract away from my insecurities. I used clothing as a way to hide the way I felt about myself. Receiving comments on my outfits at school always felt empty though because it was something I had created and not something I was given to by God. It broke my heart that no one would call me beautiful.
Even though it's been years since I started this nasty habit of hiding myself in my clothes, it's worn off but not entirely. I'm always playing dress up and pretending to be someone else with my outfits because frankly, Lauren isn't good enough. I can't bear to go out of the house in anything but a dress and make up on because it's too hard for me to let people see me so...plain. So ordinary. Even just a month ago I was faced with the unwanted feelings of my early teenage years. I came into work in one of my extravagantly dressy outfits to pick up my check and my coworkers were dumbfounded. They complimented me on how good I looked and went on and on...But for me I just felt empty. I felt like they only thought me to be beautiful when they saw me in beautiful clothing and that in ordinary clothing I was just...ordinary.
I still fight with accepting my face and myself everyday. No matter how many people tell I'm beautiful, pretty, or cute: I won't start believing them until I believe it fully myself. I'm no where close to being fully developed as an individual. I have many imperfections and cracks in my personality that I'm trying to work on, however, it makes me feel incredible though that every step and breath I take makes me that much closer to becoming Lauren. The Lauren who accepts herself, is comfortable with herself, and is always herself.
With much love, Lauren.