Friday, October 7, 2011

Reaching For Something Already Gone.

So often I feel as though I'm reaching for something that's already gone. Right now I'm faced with my senior year. A year of many lasts for me. I don't want to be in college five years down the road, or telling my children ten years from now that I regretted anything from my high school experience. I've been trying to do everything in my power to make my senior year the special year I've always longed and wished for it to be... But sometimes you can't reach for something already gone.

Tonight I went to my school's homecoming football game. As a young freshman four years ago I remember always eagerly awaiting Friday nights so I could attend the ever social football games. Football games were where all of the coolest of the cool were and student council always had fun themes for the students to dress by. I even meet Matt at one of my high school football games! Slowly over the years though my interest has waned in attending them. Instead of going to every home game and most of the way games, I was lucky to make it to one game last year. I vowed that this year was going to be different. That I was going to go to every single home game and live up my last chance at being a student spectator.

...But I didn't do what I planned. I didn't even come close. Tonight was the first football game I've attended all season, and I left early... Before half-time was even over. I felt empty and awkward at the football game even though I was with Matt. It felt as though I was an already graduated student looking at all of the young, immature high school students. As much as I tried to be spirited tonight I couldn't muster anything up. I felt out of place and like I didn't belong. I realized at that moment that as much as I wanted to... I can't grasp onto that high school experience anymore. I've outgrown it and I'm not the same girl I was my freshman year of high school. My goals, ideals, way of thinking, and interests have changed so much, and as hard as I try I can't change who I am now. I may want to try and push and pull myself to be that die hard spirit fan to end my senior year on a good note, but that's the girl I can't be anymore.

I need to accept that my senior year is happening right now as I type these letters to this post and there's nothing I can do to slow it down. Instead of forcing myself to live up every minute of it like I have been so far, I need to just try and relax and let things be. Control is probably the hardest thing for me to relinquish, but sometimes it's most benefactory to do so.

I will see you all tomorrow though with pictures from homecoming! I'm going to try to relax and not be so uptight about trying to make the night being perfect, but we'll see how that goes ;)
With much love, Lauren.

P.S. I actually did not take the picture used in this post. I did a creative collaboration with a local photographer a few weeks ago, and I've been dying to show you all the photos! This is just a little sneak peek and hopefully I'll be able to show you all more soon. In the meantime, check out the photographer's other incredible work on her facebook page and website!

10 comments:

Jul said...

This photo is lovely, you look so retro and beautiful! And I know what you mean...I used to feel like that all the time when I was in highschool.Changing is a bit sad sometimes but it means growing up.

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Maria Elyse said...

I love the photo; can't wait to see more from your collaboration! :)

I'm a freshman this year, and I'm the really quiet girl who barely talks to anyone and is really awkward. Although I didn't really want to, I decided to make myself go to the homecoming football game. But then at the last minute I got all nervous and didn't go. I didn't go to the dance either...I'm just too awkward and uncomfortable. My freshman homecoming and I skipped out. Your outlook on trying to enjoy high school while it lasts inspires me...even though you feel you've moved past it all a bit. Love and hugs to you! ♥

xo
Maria Elyse
First Impressions
Flying Ships Vintage

Nadine said...

It's funny how senior year works, isn't it? I remember when I was a sophomore and my senior friend talked about feeling like he was already gone from high school. I didn't understand and I forgot about it... until I felt the exact same way in my last year.

I had actually forgotten about that feeling until I read your post just now.

You looked so darling for homecoming! I wish I could see the whole dress.

Have a lovely day!

xx

The darling homemaker said...

You look beautiful in your pic. You know, back when I was in high school I had the same feeling you are facing at this moment, but not as a senior but as a junior. It was a very difficult time for me. I do regret so many things I could of done , but didn't. I think you are making the right decisions of trying to stay involved, make it work, the memories you'll cherish in years to come will be the best. And you know what the best part is... that Matt is with you even though he has graduated and probably in college.
You all make a beautiful couple. Complete this last year knowing that you've changed, and prepare yourself for kissing your high school years goodbye in a few months. I am more than sure a lot of people are going to miss you. But oh well, it's just the way life is.

Blessings Always,
Jacqueline

Louisejoyb said...

This is such a gorgeous photo, what a talented photographer indeed! I felt the same going from high school to college, didn't really know which I fitted into more, I guess you just have to find yourself right? I'm sure you'll feel settled soon sweet :) looking forward to taking a nosy at your homecoming photographs!

Louisejoyb xo | Bits&Bobs

Elyse (Give Me Bows) said...

That photo is stunning, you look like a model! :) I think it's fantastic that you are trying to live in the moment and appreciate this special time of your life. I wish I had the wisdom to do the same at your age! Although I definitely strive for it now, so I guess better late than never :) x

Kezzie said...

Yes, it's hard isn't it- you just want to grasp every opportunity as it's there but sometimes there is just the need to be!

OrigamiGirl said...

This post really reminds me of a favourite song of mine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9WZtxRWieM

It's called 'In My Mind' and I really recommend it as an empowering song about learning to accept not being the person you thought you would be. I love it.

Victoria / Justice Pirate said...

I felt that way my senior year of high school too. It probably was partly because I was pre-engaged (which really looking back was truly engaged, but because we were teenagers we made it "pre" so people wouldn't freak out). I just wasn't like the other kids. I was the anti-partier and the weird girl that for some reason people ran to with their tears for comfort from their high school woes. It was pretty strange at the time for me and looking back It was as if I was more like 17/18 going on 25. :: shrugs ::
It is good to enjoy being young but it is wonderful to be mature during that time.

claire said...

i like that you dont try to fit in. If you arent enjoying yourself, then there is no point trying to change who you are in order to fit in.