So often I feel as though I'm reaching for something that's already gone. Right now I'm faced with my senior year. A year of many lasts for me. I don't want to be in college five years down the road, or telling my children ten years from now that I regretted anything from my high school experience. I've been trying to do everything in my power to make my senior year the special year I've always longed and wished for it to be... But sometimes you can't reach for something already gone.
Tonight I went to my school's homecoming football game. As a young freshman four years ago I remember always eagerly awaiting Friday nights so I could attend the ever social football games. Football games were where all of the coolest of the cool were and student council always had fun themes for the students to dress by. I even meet Matt at one of my high school football games! Slowly over the years though my interest has waned in attending them. Instead of going to every home game and most of the way games, I was lucky to make it to one game last year. I vowed that this year was going to be different. That I was going to go to every single home game and live up my last chance at being a student spectator.
...But I didn't do what I planned. I didn't even come close. Tonight was the first football game I've attended all season, and I left early... Before half-time was even over. I felt empty and awkward at the football game even though I was with Matt. It felt as though I was an already graduated student looking at all of the young, immature high school students. As much as I tried to be spirited tonight I couldn't muster anything up. I felt out of place and like I didn't belong. I realized at that moment that as much as I wanted to... I can't grasp onto that high school experience anymore. I've outgrown it and I'm not the same girl I was my freshman year of high school. My goals, ideals, way of thinking, and interests have changed so much, and as hard as I try I can't change who I am now. I may want to try and push and pull myself to be that die hard spirit fan to end my senior year on a good note, but that's the girl I can't be anymore.
I need to accept that my senior year is happening right now as I type these letters to this post and there's nothing I can do to slow it down. Instead of forcing myself to live up every minute of it like I have been so far, I need to just try and relax and let things be. Control is probably the hardest thing for me to relinquish, but sometimes it's most benefactory to do so.
I will see you all tomorrow though with pictures from homecoming! I'm going to try to relax and not be so uptight about trying to make the night being perfect, but we'll see how that goes ;)
With much love, Lauren.
P.S. I actually did not take the picture used in this post. I did a creative collaboration with a local photographer a few weeks ago, and I've been dying to show you all the photos! This is just a little sneak peek and hopefully I'll be able to show you all more soon. In the meantime, check out the photographer's other incredible work on her facebook page and website!