SomeoneLikeYou Monday, December 19, 2011
This morning started out like any other normal day. My dad woke me up for school and I begrudgingly rolled out of bed as late as I possibly could. I brushed my teeth, put on my outfit, and tossed my hair into a high bun. My makeup took extra long for some reason this morning, I couldn't get my cat eye just right. After about fifteen minutes and running late (like always), I went downstairs to grab a pop tart. I came down just at the exact moment. Just at the exact time. To watch my sister throw up.
OCD has been a part of my life for quite a few years now. It's been a demon that many times I've been unable to control, and it's taken over my life with greedy pleasure. Long time followers of my blog know my struggles with my extreme fear of throwing up, and the precautions I take to prevent doing it, seeing it, hearing it, or even talking about it. It's been many years since I've seen someone throw up. And now today I turn back the count to 0.
I ran up to my parents room with tears running down my face and in hystyerics. I slammed the door shut and buried myself underneath the covers, quivering and repeating prayers over and over again. I replayed the images over and over again in my mind without wanting to, but the incessant horror movie wouldn't stop. I wouldn't let anyone come in the room or touch me for fear of contamination. I refused to go downstairs until my little sister was gone. The little sister I love deeply, but a silly fear kept me from being within 30 feet of her. Eventually after awhile I left my safe haven to go to school much too late. I knew I couldn't hide out forever, even though all I wanted to do was bury myself in covers and sob all day. So with a scarf tied tightly around my face and holding my breath, I slipped out the back door, refusing to go through the front where my sister had gotten sick near.
I spent all day in a fit of worry. What if I was sick right now? What if I was going to be sick later? What if...what if..what if...? I longed to stay at school all day, but I knew eventually I would have to go home. The place where I always found myself safe from the outside world, but now was a site of contamination for me. Upon arriving home I sat in my car for fifteen minutes working up the gumption to go inside. When I finally did, I opened the front door, ran upstairs with my eyes closed holding my breath. As I stormed into my room I gasped for air and closed the door air pocket tight. I soaked my self for an hour getting rid of the 'germs' that probably weren't even there. I hardly ate super, but every bite I ate in fear. Fear of seeing it again. I ventured out only for fifteen minutes for dinner and then it was back to my heaven. My room. Here I was quarantined for the rest of tonight.
Today has been hell. My gosh it has. All of this may sound so silly to you. So incredibly silly to be so scared of being sick. But to me it's not silly. It's a worst nightmare come true. I feel like my whole world is crashing down and I feel confined to the small quarters of my room forever, too afraid to leave. I don't blame you all for finding me pathetic. I find myself so lowly, pathetic,stupid, and helpless. I know I must leave. I know I am being silly, and a baby, and I'm letting the demons win. But I just can't. I just can't face my fear of getting sick. I just can't get the image of my sister getting sick this morning, and that happening to me. It's the ugliest, most awful and terrible thing I can imagine at this point. And it's just throwing up.
Times like these I rest in God and Him to help me. To give me guidance and strength to fight this and get well again. To not shrink back to the dark times I used to have. The ones even darker than today. I rest in Him to regain my sanity and ability to think straight. To be okay, the one thing in the world that I pray for every night, "Dear lord, just let me be okay." I'm tired of all this. I'm tired of living in fear and worry. I just want to sleep soundly and peacefully tonight, but I know I won't. The devil and his minions shall keep me up tonight, but I know that God will always keep me company. Always ❤
Stay healthy for me lovelies,
With much love, Lauren.