Saturday, August 18, 2012

Back To Goodbyes.

Pastel Plaid Dress: ASOS.
Lavender Cardigan, White Flats, Tan Satchel, Straw Fedora: Thrifted.

I saw Matt tonight for the first time in a few weeks. I wanted to take a break from talking and seeing each other in the time following out break up. It was too hard for me to just act like everything was fine when it wasn't to me.

But I really wanted to see him before I went off to college and wanted to see his parents, too. They're like my second family. My folks and his + me and him went out tonight to eat, and then him and I just to the local festival. The festival we go to every summer, as a couple. We won a bunny there years ago and a fish, too. The bunny has since died, but the fish still sits on top of the bookshelf at my house. I never named him because I thought he would die. Funny how he outlived out relationship.

I wish I could have been happy tonight but I wasn't. I worked myself up for this night all week, telling myself to be happy because I haven't seen him in so long...and won't see him often again. But all I could be is sad. Sad that it's over and it's someone else's turn to have him now. Sad that I couldn't be more for him, be enough, and be the girl who could have ended up with. Sad I don't get to hug him when that's all I want to do.

I'm just upset that I'm still not ready. I don't feel any different than I did weeks ago, first seeing him after the break up. I still feel cold and dead inside, like somethings missing and it...hurts.

He asked me tonight why I seemed so sad. It's funny because I've been really happy the past few weeks. Enjoying life, getting things done, having everything look up. But after tonight I'm sad again, right back to square one. I haven't cried in two weeks, but I sat there in his car, staring out the window into the nighttime with tears welling up in my eyes. I'm letting them fall out now, dripping on my pretty pastel dress.

I just wish I could see him and talk to him and not hurt. I miss him and want to be friends but it just... I don't have any other word but hurts.

And I'm tired of hurting.
With much love, Lauren.

P.S. Do you like the new way I collaged my pictures? A helpful anon on my formspring told me about this site called PicMonkey and I am officially obsessed. Spent a good few hours tonight going through and messing around with it, trying to figure out how to make my pictures the same width (which has been driving me insane for years). Do you all liked them collaged, or individual pictures better? Let me know. x

21 comments:

Rubi Diaz said...

I loved the collaged pictures and I adore that lavender color cardigan! You look beautiful! :)

inmypocket said...

Oh Lauren, it is painful to keep on hurting. I'm behind on your posts because I've been on holidays, so I don't know why you guys broke up yet. But it's good that you're still able to talk to each other and that is something.

The pastel dress is pretty though and one day soon, you'll be able to wear it again and have a much happier day.

BTW. I really like the collage, especially where you did the details in circles, very cute! Also helps to cut down on the number of massive photos - my iphone internet (I tether to my laptop) doesn't always cope!

Two Buttons said...

Lauren, you are so pretty, and so beautiful in these photos. I absolutely love your editing also, it's so nice. Hopefully one day soon you will not be full of hurt any longer, you will have a weight of your shoulders, and you will be free. That's what I wish for you Lauren. You are such a special person and you are so inspiring, and I believe in you. You will be ok ♥
Love Jane XO

http://thetaleoftwobuttons.blogspot.com

Beautifully Pure said...

I've never had a boy friend much less a break up so I'm no help with that except to say "don't give up, girl. It'll be all right soon" and give you a virtual hug. *hugs*

The pictures are a whole other story, though! I LOVE THIS LAYOUT! I mean, as soon as I saw it the graphic designer in me's heart wen THUMP THUMP THUMP! Don't ever change this, please. xo

P.S. Can't wait to see you on Wednesday, girl! Can you believe I got scheduled for work on Tuesday and Thursday but not Wednesday without even asking it off!? It's providence! ;D

The Love Hanger said...

I'm sorry you are sad. :( Goodbyes are never easy, no matter who they are to. But I love your new layout and I love the collage photos! They are very cool. Do you have a Mac? If you do, and you open your blog photos in Preview, you can adjust the size there. I've figured out that I need to make all of my photos 753 pixels wide and then when I upload them to blogger, I click "Original Size" and then they are all the same size and aligned. :) Hope you have a great weekend! <3

toni

Katarina said...

I'm sorry that you're sad :( why don't you try to keep your mind in some other thoughts, maybe that would help. you are so beautiful <3
i like your outfit :)
xo
http://the-caramel-dream.blogspot.com/

Carina said...

I love these collages! The photos turned out so well too, as always. You look your marvelous best

I don't know what you are going through, but hang in there! Soon the pain will go away, maybe not immediately, but I'm positive it will

xx carina

Sara Sequeira said...

Aw, amazing ♥ Love the dress so much ♥

Anonymous said...

I love that outfit so much! That dress and color combinations are perfect.
I wish you to be happy again, I really do.
Olga

InĂªs de Castro said...

Your dress is so pretty! You'll be happy againg really soon :) Now that you're off to college you'll have tons of things to think about!

The Funky Fashionista said...

I'm so sorry that you are hurting Lauren! I hope that your heart starts to feel better soon.

I really like how you collaged all of the photos. It's really unique! Also, what day do you leave for college?

http://thefunkyfashionista.blogspot.com/

Aliya said...

Aw sweetheart, time really does heal. You should look ahead and not back, look to starting this new incredible life in college where you'll learn new skills, meet new people... and being in a different environment really does help!

P.S. LOVE the collage!!

x Aliya
Hill Side Story

Vicki said...

I love the photo collage! It somehow gives the photos a vintage feel. And I love your dress!

I'm sure it must have been a terribly difficult night for you, but it will get better as time passes, I'm sure. And with college life starting, you'll have other things to occupy your mind (I know this from experience!), which should also help.(:

~Vicki
deckedoutinruffles.blogspot.com

Nerd Burger said...

Hang in there Lauren. It won't get any easier for quite some time. When you get to college a whole new life awaits you.Look forward to the future, it's out there waiting for you.
On a side note: I lOVE that dress. The pastel colours and the collar are amazing.

Mary said...

I like them un-collaged because then the pictures are larger and I can better see all the pretty details!

Laura said...

I know it is so hard right now, sweetie. I hope that everything gets better for you really soon, because you deserve it.

You look lovely in these photos; I'm loving this dress. Also, the collage style is GREAT. I need to look at this site now.

xoxo,
Laura
http://lauraisthriftingthroughlife.blogspot.com/

Midwest Muse said...

I love the collages and the way all your pictures are the same size! It's so lovely.

OrigamiGirl said...

I think the collages is a great style, I especially like the mini-photos of the close-ups all grouped together. It's a good way of seeing the outfit.

Seeing someone you have broken up with but still care about is going to have a feel of awkward sadness to it. You can't expect your self to move on really quickly, just remember that these aren't the same feelings you had together. I think from all you said that it was right of you to break up. It is really tough, but I think college will really help with moving on. As it is in in the in-between time you are in a kind of relationship limbo. I am sure that you will have many more happy times in the future.

Valencia said...

Beautiful dress! You have amazing style Lauren <3

Teddi said...

i like the collaged photos. very pretty outfit. as far as 1st love, it's probably gonna hurt for awhile.

Soulekyaly said...

Be ready at dinner and know what your nighttime options will be so you are ready. State your case and say goodnight. Let Her Take the Lead windy hills cremo cereal (15).