Pastel Plaid Dress: ASOS.
Lavender Cardigan, White Flats, Tan Satchel, Straw Fedora: Thrifted.
I saw Matt tonight for the first time in a few weeks. I wanted to take a break from talking and seeing each other in the time following out break up. It was too hard for me to just act like everything was fine when it wasn't to me.
But I really wanted to see him before I went off to college and wanted to see his parents, too. They're like my second family. My folks and his + me and him went out tonight to eat, and then him and I just to the local festival. The festival we go to every summer, as a couple. We won a bunny there years ago and a fish, too. The bunny has since died, but the fish still sits on top of the bookshelf at my house. I never named him because I thought he would die. Funny how he outlived out relationship.
I wish I could have been happy tonight but I wasn't. I worked myself up for this night all week, telling myself to be happy because I haven't seen him in so long...and won't see him often again. But all I could be is sad. Sad that it's over and it's someone else's turn to have him now. Sad that I couldn't be more for him, be enough, and be the girl who could have ended up with. Sad I don't get to hug him when that's all I want to do.
I'm just upset that I'm still not ready. I don't feel any different than I did weeks ago, first seeing him after the break up. I still feel cold and dead inside, like somethings missing and it...hurts.
He asked me tonight why I seemed so sad. It's funny because I've been really happy the past few weeks. Enjoying life, getting things done, having everything look up. But after tonight I'm sad again, right back to square one. I haven't cried in two weeks, but I sat there in his car, staring out the window into the nighttime with tears welling up in my eyes. I'm letting them fall out now, dripping on my pretty pastel dress.
I just wish I could see him and talk to him and not hurt. I miss him and want to be friends but it just... I don't have any other word but hurts.
And I'm tired of hurting.
With much love, Lauren.
P.S. Do you like the new way I collaged my pictures? A helpful anon on my formspring told me about this site called PicMonkey and I am officially obsessed. Spent a good few hours tonight going through and messing around with it, trying to figure out how to make my pictures the same width (which has been driving me insane for years). Do you all liked them collaged, or individual pictures better? Let me know. x