I woke up really angry and frustrated today. I felt the depression creeping slowing into my mind, overtaking my thoughts and building up like a storm. It takes your breath away leaving you feeling dull and empty. Like you aren't even a human at all. Sometimes I don't even know why it comes. Why it takes over my whole body, leaving me paralyzed. But I know why it has been lately.
I'm done pretending like everything is okay. Maybe he can be okay, but I can't. I can't go about, acting like I'm okay with everything that had happened and like I'm not hurting. I'm done putting on the brave face for my family, for his family, for everyone who asks me. I'm tired of saying I'm fine, we're still friends, nothing has changed because it has for me. It's not the same it won't be.
Everything has always been easy for him. He was popular in school, well liked, outgoing, athletic, and friendly. Is someone did him wrong, he didn't dwell over it. He moved on, got over it, and forgot about it. Maybe it's because he's a guy, maybe it's because it's just him. But I feel like he's doing the same thing with our relationship. Not even caring or acknowledging it even happened. Acting like everything is JUST FINE. It's not gosh dang it. I'm upset and I'm hurting and I'm depressed.
Don't tell me it's the same. Don't tell me to find someone else, meet new people, and date. Maybe you can, but I can't. I'm not ready and won't be ready for a long time (and at this point it feels like never). The fact he's okay with it and already starting to breaks my heart. Don't you even care about me? Don't you even have respect? Aren't you hurting? God, I just hate him because he doesn't even care and I'm sitting here a mess.
I just got tired of pretending everything was okay with me this past week. I asked for some space. To think, to reflect. Like this breakup, it's not what I want. I want to see him and hug him and tell him I miss him. But that's not for the best, and I know seeing him and talking to him and acting like it's okay isn't for the best either. It just kills me.
I don't know when I'll talk to him next. If I'll even bother seeing him before I go away. Part of me doesn't want to. I'm so anxious to leave this place and all of the snares it keeps me entwined in. To be released into the world a free dove, with no inhibitions and no one tying me down. But a part of me knows that's stuipid. That I'll be sitting at college, crying in my dorm room because I'm alone and I want my only friend back.
I think for this past week not only have I been trying to keep everything together for family, friends, him, ect...but I've been trying to keep it together for all you. I know you don't want to hear about this every day. I know post after post after post of mine you don't want to read about how sad I am. How heart broken I am. Because what am I? Nothing but a silly teenage girl who's going through what every person on the entire earth goes through. But I realize it isn't helping anyone by trying to act like it's okay. It isn't helping me not to write about what I'm feeling on here. It just hurts more bottling it up. As much as it frustrates me to write about this every day, it's what my life is now and what consumes it. My thoughts, my feelings, my dreams, my words are this break up right now. I need to take control again and (I'm sorry) but not write for someone else in mind but for me. I need to write what I want when I want and not be afraid to let it all out. I know I'll probably get one too many comments to get over myself, move on, or talk about something else...but at the end of the day this blog is the one piece that keeps me all together. One of the only (and this is not an exaggeration) things that make me happy.
I hope soon I can say a lot of things make me happy. Not just blogging. Not just sleeping in till twelve. Not just that piece of triple chocolate cake. But more things. And someday, when I'm ready, I can have another person that makes me happy, too.
But first I just want to make me happy. That's the first step.
And you know what? Sometimes it's okay not to be okay at first.
With much love, Lauren.