SomeoneLikeYou Sunday, September 16, 2012
Swallows Dress (worn as a top), Magenta Lace Skirt: Forever21.
Black and White Flats: Charlotte Russe.
Earrings, Ring: JcPenny's.
Sometimes there comes a time where all you can do is wait for the storm to pass. None of your actions, words, or prayers can help. All that helps is time.
It's been about a month and a half since we've broken up, around three weeks since he started dating someone else. I'd be lying if I said I've been okay the past few weeks. I have these nightmares. They make me twist and turn in my bed, ripping it up to no end and I wake up gasping for air in a cold sweat, my pajamas soaked. I sit there and I cry usually after them, and all day I can't get the images and thoughts out of my head. Those are the worst days. And then there's been my problems with eating. A habit I've formed and I'm definitely not proud of. I'm so sick I can't eat. The thought of it makes my stomach churn, even to the thought of my favorite foods. I've lost
ten pounds (edit: I weighed myself this morning and I'm down fifteen), my body aches with hunger but I can't eat. My mind fixated not only on the pain, but the absurd thought that if I was thinner, he would want me back. I go to bed crying, I wake up crying, when I go home on the weekend I cry, cry, cry. The worst is seeing the condensation in my mother's eyes as she cries with me, slowly dying an emotional death with her daughter because she can't cure her sadness. It kills me.
I never understood how people could take back cheaters. I pride myself in being a feminist, on not succumbing to the roles society and men give me as a woman. I would always think to myself, ' how can women crawl back to these men, after all they've done to them? How can they be so weak to still want someone who treats them like dirt? How...?' And now I know.
Sometimes more so than sad I'm angry. So angry I shake. Not just angry at him, but so angry at myself for what I feel. I'm pathetic. How can I still love a cheater, a liar, a person who's treated me like crap, continues to, and who has put me last in every aspect of his life? But I do. I hate myself for it. I want to scream and hit myself because how can I still want a person who has done so much wrong to me? How can I still want a person who does not have one single care for me left? How can I demean myself, waste my time, tears, thoughts, and life on someone who doesn't have any ounce of love left for me at all? I'm furious with myself and I'm so ashamed that I'm one of those stupid girls I never thought I'd be and am. I deserve better and I know I do. But I can't help want everything from a person I mean nothing to.
It's not like I don't try. You would think I want to be miserable by the way I act and what I write, but it's the total opposite. I want nothing more than this horrific nightmare to go away, to be something I wake up from and can go back to being happy. I do everything I can to make it go away. I plan my days here at Kent night and day with activities, meetings, classes, homework, friends, family, blogging...I don't have a single second to sit, think, or relax and I thought that maybe if I tried as hard as I could to move on with my life, I could and would. But I haven't.
At the end of the day after all of this is done, I'm still sitting there, crying, wishing, praying. Praying for anything but this. And I've realized that no amount of activities and new life I throw myself into will ever take all of this away. No writing in my journal, on my blog, talking to everyone under the sun will help.
Only time will. Time is the only thing that will take all of this misery away and so the only thing I can do is wait. I feel like I've been waiting an eternity already but another eternity I will have to wait.
I'll be happy again. Someday.
With much love, Lauren.