Eternity.

15 comments
Swallows Dress (worn as a top), Magenta Lace Skirt: Forever21.
Black and White Flats: Charlotte Russe.
Earrings, Ring: JcPenny's.

Sometimes there comes a time where all you can do is wait for the storm to pass. None of your actions, words, or prayers can help. All that helps is time.

It's been about a month and a half since we've broken up, around three weeks since he started dating someone else. I'd be lying if I said I've been okay the past few weeks. I have these nightmares. They make me twist and turn in my bed, ripping it up to no end and I wake up gasping for air in a cold sweat, my pajamas soaked. I sit there and I cry usually after them, and all day I can't get the images and thoughts out of my head. Those are the worst days. And then there's been my problems with eating. A habit I've formed and I'm definitely not proud of. I'm so sick I can't eat. The thought of it makes my stomach churn, even to the thought of my favorite foods. I've lost ten pounds (edit: I weighed myself this morning and I'm down fifteen), my body aches with hunger but I can't eat. My mind fixated not only on the pain, but the absurd thought that if I was thinner, he would want me back. I go to bed crying, I wake up crying, when I go home on the weekend I cry, cry, cry. The worst is seeing the condensation in my mother's eyes as she cries with me, slowly dying an emotional death with her daughter because she can't cure her sadness. It kills me.

I never understood how people could take back cheaters. I pride myself in being a feminist, on not succumbing to the roles society and men give me as a woman. I would always think to myself, ' how can women crawl back to these men, after all they've done to them? How can they be so weak to still want someone who treats them like dirt? How...?' And now I know.

Sometimes more so than sad I'm angry. So angry I shake. Not just angry at him, but so angry at myself for what I feel. I'm pathetic. How can I still love a cheater, a liar, a person who's treated me like crap, continues to, and who has put me last in every aspect of his life? But I do. I hate myself for it. I want to scream and hit myself because how can I still want a person who has done so much wrong to me? How can I still want a person who does not have one single care for me left? How can I demean myself, waste my time, tears, thoughts, and life on someone who doesn't have any ounce of love left for me at all? I'm furious with myself and I'm so ashamed that I'm one of those stupid girls I never thought I'd be and am. I deserve better and I know I do. But I can't help want everything from a person I mean nothing to.

It's not like I don't try. You would think I want to be miserable by the way I act and what I write, but it's the total opposite. I want nothing more than this horrific nightmare to go away, to be something I wake up from and can go back to being happy. I do everything I can to make it go away. I plan my days here at Kent night and day with activities, meetings, classes, homework, friends, family, blogging...I don't have a single second to sit, think, or relax and I thought that maybe if I tried as hard as I could to move on with my life, I could and would. But I haven't.

At the end of the day after all of this is done, I'm still sitting there, crying, wishing, praying. Praying for anything but this. And I've realized that no amount of activities and new life I throw myself into will ever take all of this away. No writing in my journal, on my blog, talking to everyone under the sun will help.

Only time will. Time is the only thing that will take all of this misery away and so the only thing I can do is wait. I feel like I've been waiting an eternity already but another eternity I will have to wait.

I'll be happy again. Someday.

With much love, Lauren.
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15 lovely little notes:

Juliet said...

I am so sorry to hear about this. I went through the same thing and it really sucks, and I know you REALLY don't want to hear this, but there's no way he deserves you. It's not because you weren't good enough for him, it's because he didn't know what he had when you were together. It'll get better, I promise! Please stay healthy and eat. I'll be praying for you!
Juliet
P.S. That ring is fantastic. And putting a skirt over that dress is such a great idea. It looks so great!

Rubi Diaz said...

Lauren, I learned something that changed my life this summer and I want to share that with you. The majority of problems that plague the lives of women have their roots in this very basic truth. And that is love for oneself. I want to tell you what someone told me: "You need to know that you are worth far more than diamonds. You are precious, you are the most beautiful girl in the world, you are a child of God, you are sought after and cherished by the Creator Himself. You don't see anyone giving away diamonds on a street corner, right? Instead, they are kept behind a glass until someone comes to pay the price for such a worthy gem. That's because they are so valuable! So are you! You need to love yourself more than anything; you need to look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are the most beautiful person alive and no one in the world exists like you!" Lauren, you are worth so much more than you are giving yourself credit for! I hope you can see that! If you need someone to talk to or if you want to continue talking to me, I am willing to listen. You can email me anytime. Blessings!

Rubi
lilyamongthornsblog.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Do you remember that one post you posted a while back, apologzing to Matt and saying how you shouldn't talk badly because he's a real person with real feelings?
I so badly wanted to tell you that day that what you're feeling is completely and totally normal and you're allowed to feel upset and curse his name and talk badly about him because of how he's treating you.
He has put you through hell and you're allowed to be angry and sad and go through the emotions because you are human. You don't need to put on a facade of happiness for us, because we know how you feel. We've all gown through it and I want to ensure you that we are all here for you, and we all have your back.
Stay strong, Lauren.

Miss Aa said...

you look lovely :)

warmest regards,
Miss Aa
http://miss-aa.blogspot.com/

Natasha Gregson said...

Sorry to hear this :( You look gorgeous, so classic and chic-the skirt colour is amazing!!

ngofficial.blogspot.co.uk

<3

Sara said...

I really hope you feel better! just look on the bright side, your single and ready to mingle! just kidding but there's always a bright side to any situation, you just have to find it :) and btw you look absolutely stunning! i was going to buy the same skirt but they were out of it in my size :(

http://sarassweetstyle.blogspot.com/

Laura said...

Lauren,

I wish I could give you a huge hug right now, because I really do know what you are going through. I didn't know that you could love someone that pushes you and calls you a bitch, until I actually did. A lot of people don't understand - they ask why don't you just leave? Why aren't you just happy now that he isn't life? And they don't get that you loved and cared for this person. And you are right, time is the best medicine. It gets better hon.

xoxo,
Laura
http://lauraisthriftingthroughlife.blogspot.com/

Et tu, tutu? said...

You look so gorgeous. You will get better. It will get better. Sending you love and prayers, even if I'm just a stranger on the internet.

-Lindsey

Marie Danielle said...

Aw, Lauren! Sending a big hug in your direction! Hang in there girl! The sun will come out soon! XO, Marie

Samantha Manzella said...

I feel for you, Lauren. I hope you know that you've got a huge mass of followers rooting for you and loving you! I know this probably sounds like nothing to you--I was depressed and utterly suicidal for years--but you deserve so, so much better. You're a beautiful person, so sweet and lovely, and if this one stupid guy couldn't see that, he is just that: one stupid guy. I wish you the best, and I just want you to know that you're beautiful and amazing. I know some people don't hear it enough. You deserve the best, both in guys and in your own self image. :)

<3 Samantha.
http://samlovesmakeup.wordpress.com

Kezzie said...

It will of course take time. You keep hanging in there girl- you are stronger than you think and you will get through this and you are, even if it is really hard and painful right now- you will do it.x

Charity said...

I think at the very least, it's great that you at least recognize that it takes time to feel better. I feel for you 100%, I went through a similar battle. I've dealt with depression and anxiety for years and going through something like this only brings out the worst of those illnesses, but continue being strong! Don't let it bring you down! Enjoy every little thing you can while you're entering this new stage of your life. Know it's ok to cry, cry as much as you need, just as long as you don't let your past consume your present and what could become your future. Be the person you've always wanted to be, don't let your past define you. Time heals all. Praying for you!

P.S.-Your outfit is lovely :)

Charity
lavenderandpolka-dots.blogspot.com

Jeannee said...

My dear (((LAUREN))),
I just discovered your beautiful blog and sense of style, earlier today. OF COURSE YOU ARE SAD! The two of you were together for a # of years and life's transitions AND for it to end the way it did, no less! Please don't be angry at yourself that you are not over it like he seems to be - don't compare yourself to him. Be very gentle w/ yourself: milkshakes, or smoothies, or even Ensure, when you can't eat; keep writing - keep being Lauren!; know already part of it: for one thing, yes, it is going to take time (the usual standard is that it's going to take half the amount of time u were in the relationship, but that varies widely); there are excellent books out there - one is titled, I believe, 'Getting Over The Loss of a Love' - its very step-by-step, very easy read! (((LAUREN))) You are a good, beautiful young woman - you shall succeed!!!

sarah Grech said...

you are flawless, stop letting toxic people get into your head and ruin that!

Teddi said...

you in your lace and peter pan collar like wendy from the story. lauren, would you believe me if i told you that i couldn't eat much either, after the break up of my first love? i was the one who ended it, very suddenly, so many years ago. i thought i wanted him back, even though my mind knew the break up was the right decision. it took my heart and body awhile to adjust. i believe you will get stronger. you will endure. time has a way of healing. you may someday feel very differently than you do right now.

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