Realizations.

I've made a lot of mistakes by publicly talking about my break up on this blog. It may seem like I've shared too much and been too personal; in many ways I have. Sometimes it doesn't hit me what it's like having 665 followers, but it just feels like a number to look at. I don't realize how personal I'm being because this is just what I've always done, since the beginning of my blog almost three years ago. I write about my struggles, I write about my feelings, and I don't hold back.

I think sometimes I still feel like I have 17 followers and I don't realize the impact that my posts have and how it really comes across to people. Including real people in my life.

I talked with Matt tonight for the first time since he's been in a relationship with someone else. It was a painful, tearful, anger filled, frustrating night; but in the end it was just what I needed.

It helped me realize a lot of things I've been oblivious to and definitely the lines I've crossed. Especially on this blog. I'm always in a predicament on whether or not to share what's going on in my life. I want to share everything I feel and write about it because it's a tremendous release for me. Some people exercise, some people paint, some people eat. I blog. At the end of my day, my blog is the one place where I can write what I feel with no inhibitions. But on the other hand, I know that none of you want to hear all this and don't care about my sad stories and my sad feelings, however, I feel like I'm lying to you all if I go on acting like I'm okay. I feel like I'm lying to myself if I pretend everything is okay here, and simply saying 'I'm having a bad day,' isn't enough for me. There's no release in that.

I've thought many times, before this whole break up, about writing in a journal, a different blog, or even just penting it all up. But I realize that if I do any of these things, I don't have my blog anymore and what I love so much about it. So I come to a situation where what do I do...?

I didn't realize it, but Matt reads my blog and he is a real person. I've made him out to be a really bad guy and the villain in all of this and in a lot of ways, he is. He's done a lot of wrong to me and caused a world of pain, but it's not fair to him to have to be bashed on my blog, bashed by me, bashed by my family, and bashed by his family. And I feel really bad for what I've done to him. I was wrong in a lot of aspects writing many things I did. Through letting out my feelings, I've hurt a lot of people in the process more than was needed. And I'm sorry about that.

It may come as a shock, but I actually don't share every aspect of my life here. I do keep some things private and things you'd be really surprised about because it seems like I just write about every little thing that happens to me. The things I share though are what are most important to me and pertinent to my life and are really fueling me and my feelings and myself. Simply talking about cupcakes to match my outfit and bunny shoes don't cut it for me.

I shouldn't write so much personal information in a fashion blog, but at the end of the day I do. And I'm going to try and find a way to write things so they don't hurt so many people, but at the same time still stay true to myself.

All in all though tonight, I feel better. I don't feel good by any means, but I feel better. I expected my talk with Matt to only upset me more and in some ways I am upset more. That's to be expected. But in some ways I'm healed, too. Not wholly, but partially and I know I'll get there someday. Things take time and I'm impatient. I want all this pain to go away right now and I thought by shutting him out of my life it would help things. Talking things through for four hours though was what I needed. I'm still angry at him, still don't approve of what he's doing, but tonight I had hope; and I haven't had much hope lately. I just had hope that things will get better and they won't always hurt like this. The only way to let go is to forgive and although it seems like an insurmountable task right now, it's a task being worked on and worth being worked on. Slowly but surely.

With much love, Lauren.
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