SomeoneLikeYou Monday, March 18, 2013
I thought when I began medication for my depression last July that I would never have to worry about it ever again. That that time in my life would be a passed one, a closed book, something just to remember and not relive. I don't know why, I don't know how, but my depression started up again about mid February.
Depression is this really weird thing that comes on so fast, yet so slowly. You start out thinking you're just having a bad day. Nothing more. Then a bad day turns into a bad week, and then a bad month, and then before you know if you can't remember the last time you were happy. It's not even really feeling happy, but being able to feel something. That's the difference between depression and just sadness. When you're sad, you want to cry, you want to scream, you want to hit things. But when you're depressed, you just don't feel anything at all. Life passes by so swiftly, the days blend together into nothing. All of the things that should be happy, new, old, sad, angry, don't feel like any of that. They just feel empty.
I knew it was starting up again by little changes here and there. My appetite got less and less. Nothing ever sounded good to eat. I found myself sleeping more and more. When given the chance, sleeping in until one in the afternoon, taking naps throughout the day, going to bed early at night. Never wanting to leave the fortress of covers in my bed. Pushing away friends. Talking less and less. Hanging out less and less. Growing further and further apart. I noticed all of these things but not as a whole, but as separate pieces of my life just needing worked on.
So I tried staying as busy as I could. Reading books. Watching shows. Making plans with everyone I knew. Swimming. Throwing myself into school work. Even though it's good to stay busy to keep your mind off of depression, sometimes there really is nothing you can do. It's just there and it's going to be there no matter what.
I guess I'm just frustrated because I don't know why it's back. I don't have this huge life changing cause, unsolvable problem, excruciating emotional pain. I've been living my life the same way here at Kent for the last seven months. Why now? Why me again? Wasn't this supposed to be over the day the doctor diagnosed me and I started medication?
I told a friend recently who has troubles with OCD that just because you're on medication, it doesn't take your problems away. You still have to learn to cope with the mental illness yourself. To not rely on science but on your own determination, your own fight, your own strength. Medication is not an all heal solution. It still takes practice, patience, and time to learn to cope and live with any mental illness. And I've done the therapy, I thought I knew how to handle this. But obviously I don't because it's back.
I hate writing posts like these because then everyone treats me like I'm so fragile. Like they can't tell me anything or else it will send me over the edge. I'm not good or strong enough for the truth. They have to lie and inch around it. They have to baby me and be nice because who knows what Lauren might do. I just want to be treated the way I've always been treated because I'm real and I'm me and I'm just going through some issues that I literally cannot help or change.
I really hope going home with Friday helps me out. Seeing my family and getting to relax and just clear my head. Of what? Again, I couldn't tell you. But maybe the dusty old thrift shop and the dark coffee place will heal my soul and set me on the right path again. I hope so.
This time around is different than last though. This time I know that there's brightness. I know that there's hope and happiness waiting for me so close I can reach out to feel it. Darkness will pass soon enough and I'll be able to feel again. To laugh and smile and be me again. I know it, and it won't be long.
"When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who watches over me" ♥
With much love, Lauren.