SomeoneLikeYou Sunday, July 12, 2015
Hello there ♥
I look so much older in these photos. They are very strange for me to look at because I think they reflect the growing maturity on the inside I've felt lately. It's not that I've ever really even been that immature. But I think I've had just the immaturity that comes with, well, being young. I started this blog when I was only 16 years old and at less than a month till turning 22 I don't even feel the same person. Not even half of the same person.
Time is a very funny thing because it can feel like it's going so slow, but then when you look back you realize it actually flew by. I don't know when these changes in me occurred: they just did. Life just matures you. This past year I think has been exactly what I needed in every way, even if it didn't feel like it at the time.
Studying abroad for four months was hard. I expected it to be easy, to be carefree. But it came with a set of burdens and struggles I was not ready for. I was thrown bricks at every angle in all the places where I didn't think I would be hit. I found things out about myself in ways I didn't want to and the girl I always was sure I was inside wasn't who I thought anymore. I saw myself in a new angle and that was a maturing point for me.
Then I had a break up about three months ago. This one was different than my first one because instead of what I thought I would feel, I felt things totally different. In no less pain than the first time around, but in a wiser, more thoughtful way. Being cheated on broke me. I am still recovering and most days I don't know what to think. The way I view relationships and men can't be turned back, and I see things with a much clearer view. Another maturing point.
And then there's been New York City, of course. I can't quite wrap my mind around it because when I was interviewing for the position at Cosmopolitan I remember (if I'm being honest) hoping in my heart a bit that I wouldn't get it. I was terrified of NYC. It was never something I wanted for myself and it was never even a thought or in my grand scheme of where I would end up in life. I was closed minded to thinking that because I didn't like big cities, I wouldn't like it here. I cried to my mom and was so sick over the fact that once I had accepted the internship, I thought I had made a mistake because I didn't belong in a place like New York City. But my world has been transformed here and I feel new again. A beautiful rebirth. Like studying abroad and being cheated on, I've reacted and survived to these situations in ways uncharacteristic to my usual nature. The old, timid Lauren fading away and a confident, independent, strong one taking her place.
I feel a mess on the inside but yet there is a peace to this mess because I know little by little, I am figuring things out on my own through my 20's. No one has it together, and for some reason for years I thought I had to. Even before I came to NYC I thought I had to have it together. The truth is that I don't though, and I don't think I'll ever. The important thing to me though versus having it all together is this learning, growing, and maturing that I have achieved. I think that is the greatest success I've had in the last year of all.
With much love, Lauren.