I'm Not Who I Was.
SomeoneLikeYou Friday, October 2, 2015
Blouse, Skirt, Boots: Thrifted.
Faux Leather Jacker: H&M.
I think when I really started to evolve was when I studied abroad in Florence fall of last year. A lot of people say college changes you, but my first two years of college I stayed pretty much the same. I think college changes a lot of people because it forces them to grow up. It's their first time being away from home, not having the same group of friends, and just being faced with adult like responsibilities such as having to fully take care of yourself. For me, I've always been too mature for the age I'm at. Maybe I'm just being over confident in myself, but it's always seemed like I just haven't been in the same place in my life as everyone else around me my age. So when I came to college, everyone else was experiencing the things I'd already been feeling my final years of high school. Inner self discovery, being on your own without others, facing harsh realities (depression, OCD)....so while everyone else was coming into their new selves those first few years of college, I stayed stagnant. And it really bothered me I think. Sometimes I'll go back and read old journals and I seem to reiterate in them how stuck I felt. I went through this really dry period of self discovery those years and kind of just stayed the Lauren I'd been.
I knew that my problem rested in the fact in that I don't like to take chances. I'm a creature of habit and nothing scares me more than changing my routine. It throws off the balance of my life. The safe, calculated, predictable life that I came to love. It was me who was stopping myself, and I let that happen. Studying abroad in Florence was the first big "risk" I'd ever taken in my life. All the steps before that had been strictly inside my comfort zone. And when you're running in circles inside contentment; you're not going to get to self-improvement.
Studying in Florence was hard on me. You all know that. I struggled through those four months emotionally, physically, mentally. It took a lot out of me and it wasn't the experience I had hoped/thought it would be. But for me, I'd never take it back because it started the domino effect of me being able to realize that this is my life to live and I shouldn't be so afraid all the time. I should take more chances and I should do more things I want to do. A lot of people realize this in college and they equate "doing what they want to do and taking chances" to doing a lot of drugs, having drunken nights, and other sorts of debauchery. And maybe that's the way a lot of people do find themselves in college. And that's perfectly acceptable. But for me, "doing what I want to do" was just on a set of different terms for me (and it's not the same for everyone). It was about standing up for myself in a crappy relationship, moving to New York City, changing my style from a little girl to a mature adult, cutting my hair, going out on dates, getting a job where I have to talk to a lot of people when frankly I'm not that good at talking.
For the epitome of an individual who doesn't like to take chances I'm telling you; take chances. They will help you grow and mature and be a better version of yourself. And do them on your own terms. One person's chances may not be your type of chances. And that's okay because we are a billion different humans with a billions different dreams.
I've learned to not be afraid of the failing. Something that used to plague me from taking those chances.
I would be scared of being alone if we broke up.
I would be scared of hating new york city and needing to move home.
I would be scared of my hair cut making me look too much like a boy.
I would be scared that no one would think I was me anymore if I changed my style.
None of those things came true. And even if they had come true...it would have been okay.
Anyways. This is a long post, and I didn't mean for it to be this long. But knowing me, I can never, ever be concise and just get to the point. All of this is a really roundabout way of saying that my blog layout is going to change this weekend and I'm really excited about that. I feel like I've changed (as noted by my long winded explanation above), so my blog should change along with me. It is me. I am someone like you. I've changed, so excited to welcome you all to the new me this weekend ♥
With much love, Lauren