SomeoneLikeYou Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Turtleneck Knit Dress (very similar): Pull & Bear.
Black Heels (similar): Payless.
Earrings (similar): Thrifted.
Kendra Scott Necklace: borrowed c/o Rocksbox.
For whatever reason, I was thinking about my past relationships the other day. I've had two, and both have been documented here on the blog. One lasted five years and I was very public about. The other lasted one day short of a year and I was very private about. Both of them failed miserably.
I never miss these guys or really even think about them to be honest, but something really unsettled me when I was reliving the ups and downs of those relationships in my mind: I was so unhappy in both of them. That realization made me incredibly sad. I've always been ten times happier outside of a relationship rather than inside of it.
Maybe I dated the wrong guys. Maybe I just can't do relationships. Maybe the timing wasn't right in my life. I'm not sure, really. But I've been wondering why I've been so jaded and cynical about love and relationships and I've found it's because that all I've ever known in my own is misery. Of course I wouldn't be able to see how "great, miraculous, and special" relationships are.
I know one of my biggest problems lies in the fact that I change to fit the mold I want these guys to see me in. It's somewhat perplexing, because being an INFJ, a highly sensitive person, and also a Leo; these are all personality indicators of being highly sure of who you are within the world. And I would really say 99% of the time I am! But this character flaw exists in me that every time I enter in a relationship, I just lose myself in this game of trying to constantly shove down the difficult parts of who I am (and trust me, there are lots), that I transform into this person who doesn't even look like me anyone. No wonder I'm always so unhappy. I twist and tweak and try to shove myself into this little peg hole of an ideal that a good relationship is one thing: when in reality, good relationships can be done in a lot of different ways.
It's somewhat a scary problem to have because how can you fix your problem of being a personality shifter in relationships without being in a relationship? I'm certainty not going to enter into a relationship just to improve a major character flaw in myself! I've found that I am so scared of this happening again and being miserable, that any kind of relationship with any sort of man sounds just horrible. It's like I am immune to emotions and developing feelings for people. My brain now associates those sort of things with a downward spiral of losing myself, so it's conditioned my emotions to not desire anything like it at all.
It's a weird place I'm in right now, but I always seem to be in some weird place and I always seem to figure it out somehow. I've never really been a conventional type of person, and I think I've definitely been putting myself in conventional types of relationships. My next one, I know, will not be as conventional and maybe that's okay because perhaps that's what will work for me best. I'm going to take my time and truly enjoy this desire I have for singlehood because that in itself is a beautiful thing to enjoy and revel in. For many people, singlehood is an incredibly short period of time in the span of their life before the rest is spent with someone else. I don't want to look back someday and regret seeing my past self trying to shove herself into meaningless relationships just to prove something to herself or others. I'd want to be older and much wiser and appreciate that at this stage in my life, I did what's right for me and allowed myself to be gloriously selfish; as you can be when being on your own with no one by your side yet.
Anyways, off to take a relaxing bath & light some candles to soak and ponder more of my existence far more than a 22 year old should, ha. Love you all-- thanks so much for reading this. x
With much love, Lauren.