My Struggle with Christianity.
SomeoneLikeYou Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Blue Turtleneck (similar): Thrifted.
Patent Flats (similar): Thrifted.
For the past half-year or so I've really struggled with being a Christian. I came to Christ my freshman year of college & it's indescribable the new life I found. I was happier than ever and accepted an inner peace I didn't believe previously existed. My faith had ups and downs through the years, and it actually a pinnacle this past summer while living in NYC. Never had I felt closer to Christ, or felt the pull to do His work than amid my hectic days as a fashion intern.
However, when I came back from my whirlwind summer in New York my faith seemed to wither. It came without a warning or an explanation, and I chalked things up to being in a "dry period" as I transitioned back into my ordinary life.
Whether just a dry period or not, it's been a long and despairing one. If I'm being honest, I've not picked up my Bible and read it in months, not prayed, and have completely stopped going to church. How did I fall from being a dedicated follower of Christ, laying my life down for Him and promising to remain true, to nothing more than a sham of a Christian?
I don't know.
If I had an answer I wouldn't be writing this post.
I could point my finger to multiple directions to explain why I'm no longer a practicing Christian. They're thoughts I've turned over in my mind many times because it distresses me to no longer feel passionate about something I once had such fervor for.
One setback is my pride. I never thought myself to be a prideful person, but examining myself reveals the pride I have possess in who I am. I'm so prideful I will distance myself from any type of relationship to be alone: just so I can keep intact my "whole self" without outside influences. Since I'm very in my head, I tend to believe no one knows whats best for me but me. Including God. I get angry thinking about Him not giving me the things I want when I know they're what's right for me. My main hang up: thinking God will keep me from getting to New York.
Another set back has been witnessing the backward lives Christians tend to fall into (some definitely not all!). I've never wanted a life of marrying early, having kids, and abiding to a husband who defines who I am as a woman. I know it doesn't have to be like that, but the Christians around me tend to be. Consequently, I've associated being a Christian woman with not being allowed to be progressive, independent, and goal driven. Some (again, not all) Christians use what they believe to be "God's plan" as an excuse to not go after their goals and dreams and end up living a mundane life, If they get a no for an acceptance into a school or a rejection for a job, some chalk it up to not being in God's plan. I've never been like that. If I don't succeed, I will keep trying. This lack of motivation and self advancement of a lot of Christians turns me off.
Finally, I think it comes down to having no foundation. I've bounced around churches the past few years without finding a good footing in any. With my graduation impending in a few short months, I feel as though it's pointless to get further connected into a church here when I'll soon need to start somewhere else. Not having a community go drove me into avoiding church. When you avoid church, you falter. No one can be everything a church is on their own.
I'm honestly not sure the next steps I even want to take. I've contemplated meeting with someone to discuss the things I'm feeling, but in a disappointing way I don't even want to do that. It's been such a scary and shameful thing to think, but these last few months I've been fine without being close to God. That has me contemplating, "Do I even really need to get reconnected at all?" It's such a despairing thought to even contemplate not being a Christian anymore, but there's seems to just be such a disconnect. Perhaps sometimes we must fall quite far to see just how much we need saving. I still believe in God and know this may be a turning point to develop a newfound strength in my faith.
With much love, Lauren.