I'm Moving to New York City!
SomeoneLikeYou Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Well, Brooklyn to be exact, but yes it's true! I am moving to New York City. Guys...I am over the moon. I've known officially about the move for awhile now, but wanted some time to process things before I wrote about it.
Everyone knows I've wanted this for so long. Flash back to last summer I remember getting in a taxi with all my things, crying as I stared out the window having to say goodbye to the city that changed my life. The driver probably thought I was a lunatic, and to be honest I felt like one. I never knew three short months in one place could impact my life so greatly. I was changed from the inside out completely. I even chopped off all my hair after my summer in New York City because I wanted outside to reflect how I felt inside: free.
In that taxi ride home and every day for the last nine months I vowed I'd get back. I didn't know how I'd do it or when, but I promised myself I would. When something in life impacts you so greatly like that...it's almost like an addiction. It's all I thought about. Morning, noon, night. I almost began to wonder if maybe my memory of NYC wasn't as good as my mind thought it was because I idealized it so much. Perhaps the whole summer had been a fluke. That's why I visited in December to see if moving back to NYC after graduation was REALLY what I wanted. I was surprised when I took that trip because it wasn't what I expected. Instead of feeling giddy about being in NYC I was calm. It confused me at first because I felt like maybe NYC had lost its magic to me. Then I realize it had never lost its magic: I just wasn't an awestruck tourist anymore. I felt calm and peaceful in NYC because I was home and it felt like I'd never left. It was where I knew I was supposed to be.
After my trip in December I frantically began applying to jobs to feel like I was making strides toward my goals. I wanted to feel like I was making progress and not just at the standstill I'd been at for the last five months. I became very discouraged when I heard back from no one. Not even no's. Just silence on the other end. I would call my mom crying; frustrated and desperate. I wanted this so badly...more than anything I had ever dreamed of in life. I had so many doubts about how I would do it. With no one getting back to me I felt like my dreams were slipping away. It couldn't be done. I was stupid to think I could move to New York City and anyone would hire me. In these past winter months I was very down on myself. My confidence plummeted as I saw all my classmates around me securing jobs while I couldn't even get a no: let alone an interview. I felt worthless as I applied for these jobs I felt I wasn't qualified for because I was entry level. I kept trying to remind myself I was worth something and that someone else would see I was worth something, too.
It had been an idea I tossed around, but as I grew more and more desperate the idea of moving to NYC without a job became more of a serious consideration for me. I'd gotten a job as a part time barista this school year so I could save money for the move, so why not just make the move and do it? I talked to mentors and many didn't think it was so crazy of an idea. A lot of them had even done it themselves. I'm such a rational, safely-led decision maker that the idea of moving to one of the most expensive cities in the world without a job absolutely terrified me. As I went over and over the possibility in my mind though, one thought kept poking its way through.
You want this Lauren. You want this so badly that you're willing to do anything and everything to be there. You're not going to let yourself fail. Even if you do fail, you did so after you tried everything you could. So why not just do it? Take the shot, take the chance. Believe in yourself instead of setting yourself up to fail.
So many months as my confidence dwindled I'd lost the belief in myself that I was worth something. Those around me, family and friends, could see it, but I'd become blind. I realized it was time to stop feeling sorry for myself, time to stop saying "but what if this happens..." and just DO IT.
So I booked an airbnb for three months from June 1st to August, secured a flight, and decided "I'm going to move to New York City and no one is going to stop me."
It's the scariest and most risky thing I've ever done, but I can't wait for this crazy adventure. I have some job opportunities thankfully in the works at this point, but nothing is guaranteed ever. I'm still going without a job, without any real security and just relying on my own self-determination to get me through.
Thank you all for being with me through this journey and for the uncertain road that is before me. I love you, truly. You all often believe in me when I don't believe in myself. But you're teaching me, (slowly because I'm stubborn) that I'm worth something. I hope that I can always teach you that in return, too. x
With much love,