Since it has been raining all day and preventing me from taking outfit pictures, I thought I'd write a composition of my feelings as of late. When I first started my blog a year an a half ago, it was very common for me to often just include ramblings of feelings and emotions and I felt at the time. However, as my blog has grown, I started doing this less and less. I've realized though I want to try and show you all my real side as well as my self expression through fashion. Feelings are just as important.
Ever since I was a little girl I can remember being alone and being different than everyone else. I had a group of friends that I played around with from grades 1-8, however, I never felt a very strong connection with them. I often found myself faking to be someone I wasn't just so I could have friends to be with. I was so scared of being alone with no one to be there for me, that I sacrificed being myself. I eventually came to the startling realization, however, that I was living a lie and needed to be myself, so I left those friends to move on and find something I thought would be more meaningful.
It's been three years since this incident and I can honestly say that I still haven't found any true companions. Recently I've come to the saddening realization of how hard it is for me to find a companion to be a friend with. The saddest thing isn't that I can't find anyone to be friends with, but more so that I think the realization is that it's because I chose this fate for myself.
I often see myself as a complicated and twisted person. I get so wrapped up in emotions, feelings, and thoughts that it often leads to pushing people away without me realizing it. I'm also so introverted that many people mistake me for being rude/ stuck up. I tend to completely avoid people so that I need not speak to them. Not because I don't want to, but because I simply don't know what to say... This is such an agonizing position to be in. To be so crippled in speaking to someone and lack the skills to express who you are to people. It's devestating and depressing. And yet, still many people have become interested in being my friend throughout the years, but what I've found is that none of them want to be in the long haul with me. All of these 'potential friends' show an overwhelming interest in the beginning of meeting me. It always gives me the same elated feeling when this happens because I figure that something might actually come out of this. A friendship I always dream about. A true, real one. However, it never does end in a friendship. As time goes on, people lose interest in me for some reason and I'm not quite sure why. It frustrates me to no end that no one wants me. That I'm not worth anyone to fight for. That I can be given up on so easily because I'm a challenge to be friends with and because I'm different. I can't tell you all the disappointment I've felt over and over again from the dozens of people who have let me down over the years. Who have gotten my hopes up of have finally finding someone to share a genuine and real friendship with. Some of the people I haven't really cared much about because it didn't last long, and others I cared the world about because I thought that there was something real there. Every time I'm just left with the same bitter disappointment. It's now getting the point where I almost expect to be dissapointed.
So although I've recently come to the acceptance of the significant changes that will be taking place in a few weeks with Matt graduating, something I still haven't come to an acceptance of is my hopelessness of ever finding another to share my triumphs, failures, and life with. Someone who won't abandon me and leave me a broken hearted mess like all the other ones have. My hope is running low and it has been so high for so long. It breaks my heart that I must stay in this worthless town of mine for another year, without Matt to add to it, and be stuck with no one in my life who wants me... (asides from Matt and my family that is). I've been looking at many colleges as of late to see where I want to go to, but for me I don't just look at the campus or the academics. I look at the students. I look to see if there's any chance that one, maybe just one could be a companion for me. Something I've never really had.
I pray most nights for a friend. I pray with all my heart and soul that God will deliver one to me because after so many times of being broken, a person can only handle so much before they give up. A person can only handle the gut wrenching, heart ripping dissapointment before they break to pieces inside. Sometimes all a person needs is just to know that one person out there actually wants them and can love the person they are. Even if they are crazy, twisted, and different. Everyone needs one someone to love them. And that's all I need, too.
With much love, Lauren.