One is the Loneliest Number.

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Since it has been raining all day and preventing me from taking outfit pictures, I thought I'd write a composition of my feelings as of late. When I first started my blog a year an a half ago, it was very common for me to often just include ramblings of feelings and emotions and I felt at the time. However, as my blog has grown, I started doing this less and less. I've realized though I want to try and show you all my real side as well as my self expression through fashion. Feelings are just as important.

Ever since I was a little girl I can remember being alone and being different than everyone else. I had a group of friends that I played around with from grades 1-8, however, I never felt a very strong connection with them. I often found myself faking to be someone I wasn't just so I could have friends to be with. I was so scared of being alone with no one to be there for me, that I sacrificed being myself. I eventually came to the startling realization, however, that I was living a lie and needed to be myself, so I left those friends to move on and find something I thought would be more meaningful.

It's been three years since this incident and I can honestly say that I still haven't found any true companions. Recently I've come to the saddening realization of how hard it is for me to find a companion to be a friend with. The saddest thing isn't that I can't find anyone to be friends with, but more so that I think the realization is that it's because I chose this fate for myself.

I often see myself as a complicated and twisted person. I get so wrapped up in emotions, feelings, and thoughts that it often leads to pushing people away without me realizing it. I'm also so introverted that many people mistake me for being rude/ stuck up. I tend to completely avoid people so that I need not speak to them. Not because I don't want to, but because I simply don't know what to say... This is such an agonizing position to be in. To be so crippled in speaking to someone and lack the skills to express who you are to people. It's devestating and depressing. And yet, still many people have become interested in being my friend throughout the years, but what I've found is that none of them want to be in the long haul with me. All of these 'potential friends' show an overwhelming interest in the beginning of meeting me. It always gives me the same elated feeling when this happens because I figure that something might actually come out of this. A friendship I always dream about. A true, real one. However, it never does end in a friendship. As time goes on, people lose interest in me for some reason and I'm not quite sure why. It frustrates me to no end that no one wants me. That I'm not worth anyone to fight for. That I can be given up on so easily because I'm a challenge to be friends with and because I'm different. I can't tell you all the disappointment I've felt over and over again from the dozens of people who have let me down over the years. Who have gotten my hopes up of have finally finding someone to share a genuine and real friendship with. Some of the people I haven't really cared much about because it didn't last long, and others I cared the world about because I thought that there was something real there. Every time I'm just left with the same bitter disappointment. It's now getting the point where I almost expect to be dissapointed.

So although I've recently come to the acceptance of the significant changes that will be taking place in a few weeks with Matt graduating, something I still haven't come to an acceptance of is my hopelessness of ever finding another to share my triumphs, failures, and life with. Someone who won't abandon me and leave me a broken hearted mess like all the other ones have. My hope is running low and it has been so high for so long. It breaks my heart that I must stay in this worthless town of mine for another year, without Matt to add to it, and be stuck with no one in my life who wants me... (asides from Matt and my family that is). I've been looking at many colleges as of late to see where I want to go to, but for me I don't just look at the campus or the academics. I look at the students. I look to see if there's any chance that one, maybe just one could be a companion for me. Something I've never really had.

I pray most nights for a friend. I pray with all my heart and soul that God will deliver one to me because after so many times of being broken, a person can only handle so much before they give up. A person can only handle the gut wrenching, heart ripping dissapointment before they break to pieces inside. Sometimes all a person needs is just to know that one person out there actually wants them and can love the person they are. Even if they are crazy, twisted, and different. Everyone needs one someone to love them. And that's all I need, too.
With much love, Lauren.
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8 lovely little notes:

Shady Del Knight said...

The Lauren you describe in posts like this one seems like an entirely different person. It certainly isn't the cordial, gregarious Lauren who hosts this blog. I don't understand how you can say that you lack the skills to express who you are to people. You do a wonderful job of it on a daily basis with all your blog friends. You come across as warm, genuine and down to earth. I would never use adjectives like rude, stuck-up, crazy or twisted to describe the Lauren that I have come to know and care about. The word "different" might be a good fit for you but what's wrong with that? Don't you ever watch Glee, the TV show based on the notion that it's okay to be different? It's more than okay - it's cool. The hit series is a weekly celebration of diversity. Please realize that you are not alone in what you are experiencing and feeling. We all went through the same thing as teenagers and even as adults. Instead of worrying about finding friends why not focus on your future? Put together a 5 or 10 year plan. Pick a college that's right for you and by that I mean one that offers a quality education in your field of interest. The friendship part of it will fall into place in good time. I know it can be tough growing up in a small town, but nobody's insisting that you spend the rest of your life there. You'll see the whole world differently when you're away at college and meeting a high percentage of serious minded individuals like yourself.

Em [The Writer] said...

Awww don't sell yourself short! You are such an elegant, graceful, and sweet person! All you need to do is open up to classmates like you do on here! Anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend! Stay strong during this time, I know things will end up just find for you :)

Mary said...

Sweets, all I can say is this:
I hope you know how lovely you are. I hope you know how WORTH IT you are. I hope you believe in yourself and I hope you recognize your wonderful, wonderful worth. I hope you know how many people love you. I hope you know how much can change in the course of a few years, how a simple change of scenery or perspective can completely change things. Whether this happens tomorrow, during college, or in five years, things get better. Cliques and fake friendships die and I promise-- you will find others who love you and cherish you and appreciate you for you. You are always growing, changing, and no matter how poorly something may seem, nothing can stay the same for long, and I guarantee that things will only get better for you. Much love, sweets. And I'm always just an email away should you ever need a friend :)

Mila said...

I think a lot of people struggle with this same problem...it's the sad reality of public schools these days--don't put it on yourself. People can be so harshly judgmental and not understanding, that it's hard to find a friend. You have all the good qualities of a best friend, loyalty, kindness, caring, and so much more. You deserve so much more, and someday it'll come to you. There are so many people out there for you Lauren, think about it. All these bloggers commenting on this post care about you, Lauren. We may not be physically there with you, but we care about you, and at least to me, you're like a friend. If there's this many people on the internet who care about you, than there has to be people out there for you. And there are...don't worry, someday, even soon, it'll get so much better for you! I have the same kind of problem right now, the transition to eighth grade for me rid me of a few of my best friends, and now I'm kind of lost trying to find my way back and make more friends. A lot of people go through this problem, and maybe, you'll find someone else, e a friend who has the same struggles. I know you can make it through this! You're incredibly strong, beautiful, smart, and sweet. It'll all get better soon!:)

xoxoxo

awishisarainbow said...

It actually upsets me to read this, because you are such a lovely person! I have felt the same as you in the past...trying to fit in, becoming upset because it's not the real you, crying because you feel alone...that was my secondary school life! But don't get disheartened, and also, don't think you have to try so hard...friendship often comes from the unlikeliest places, and when you least expect it. Hang on in there, stay true to yourself, and believe me, sometime soon you will find someone who loves the real you :) It does happen, a few close friends I made during sixth form are still some of my best friends now, and at Uni I have met lots of amazing people. A couple of years ago, I didn't think that would happen. But by being myself I have found the people who really appreciate me for me :) You will too, just keep believing :)x

Amber Rose, Laughing With Broken Eyes said...

My beautiful, sweet girl..

I wish you and I could sip coffee and speak of our pasts, of our friendships, of the roads we were forced to discover in selfdiscovery.

Such kindred souls I feel we are; I've always felt that. I really feel ill-qualified to be giving any form of advice on the matter.. because I honestly don't have many close friends and those that I do have live oceans away.

When you yearn for friendship, for companionship, you try so desperately to fill the void with anything.

For myself, I surround myself with the ghosts of people, the memories of good times that I pick and choose from, and forgive their downfalls. I know we deserve more, but when there's no one around to offer it, you sell yourself short.. and then you forget what you were holding out for.

Maybe we are melodramatic.. maybe everything we desire is in front of us.. or maybe this is the part of the lessons we must learn before we are ready for the greatness that awaits us.

I KNOW great things are in store for you, Lauren. I know it.

xo

Amber Rose, Laughing With Broken Eyes said...

ps: write me anytime. I've struggled with my demons and would love to discuss in any ways you'd like.

you're a peach.

really. xoxoxoxo

Kezzie said...

I wish you had been around when I was 17 in my town- I am quite sure we would have got on! I like perceivedly complicated people- I think they are definitely worth the effort! You come across as amazing to me so never stop believing that that's what you are and people WILL realise that!
x

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