Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry.

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Change. Change, change, change. Throughout my life I have hated that word with a fervor unexplainable. I am a person who hates change and will openly admit it. I am a creature of habit and it shows quite brightly in my life. I go to bed and wake up at the same times every day. I go to school for eight hours and do the same routine, not to mention buy the exact same lunch. I come home, do my usual blogging, watching t.v. and spend the rest of my night doing homework. I talk to Matt for exactly a half hour, say my prayers, tuck a rosary underneath my pillow, and fall asleep. I wake up to do it all over again, and I'm fine and perfectly content with this way of life. When for some reason this routine is disrupted, I feel frustrated and not perfected. I feel perfection sliding away from my grasp and chaos taking its place. In a few weeks, chaos will be taking over my life.

For all three years of my high school existence so far, my boyfriend Matt has been by my side. This June we will have been together for four years, and he is with out a doubt my best friend and other half. He is a senior this year, and I am a junior. He will be leaving high school forever in just ten days, and I will be stuck here. The one, single person who has been there for me through everything... The pain, the suffering, the panic and OCD attacks, the ridiculing, the fake friendships, the lies, the betrayal, the stress and all the much more... he won't be here anymore.

I'm so incredibly happy for him to be graduating. For him to be moving on to his next, exciting chapter in his life. I couldn't be more proud. But at the same time, I'm so incredibly sad and afraid. Afraid of what will happen to me when something does have to change. When he moves on with his life, and I'm stuck in the same exact position: how I always feel.

Gosh, I feel like it was just the start of the school year. Hot, sticky, end of August. I remember sitting on his porch, swinging on the wooden bench eating hot fudge sundaes. All of a sudden I just started crying, and Matt asked me what was wrong. At that moment I came to the realization that it was my last school year with him. So many lasts that I would never get back. Matt comforted me and assured me that we had a whole, long school year ahead of us. Homecoming, prom, football games and Friday nights. Where did this year go? Where did sitting on that bench at the end of August disappear to? Now it's May. Ten more days and Matt is done with high school forever. Twenty-two more days and he graduates. I would give anything just to go back to the beginning of the school year. To have more time left before he leaves.

When I took these pictures after school yesterday, there was a watch out for a severe thunder storm. I ignored the warnings, and decided to venture out to take pictures anyways. Half way through the pictures, it started to pour rain, thunder, and lightening. I rushed for my red VW Beatle, only to suddenly stop. I realized at that moment I was doing with my life what I was doing with the thunderstorm: running away. Running away from the impending changes and events that will be happening in the upcoming weeks. Running away from the reality that is going to come true whether I want it to or not. And with that realization, I placed my camera in the car, pulled the braid from out of my hair, and looked up into the stormy sky. I sat there in the rain and let it wash away all of my problems and worries. I sat there and I let the rain soak my skirt and dampen my hair. Run down my face in little rivets and tumble off onto the ground. And I felt free for once. After the storm ended, I went back to my car and retrieved my camera. The last shot in this post is after the thunderstorm. It's a picture where you can see that I finally look free. I finally look happy. I finally look ready for change.

With much love, Lauren.
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11 lovely little notes:

Sara said...

i like reading your posts, your so real and you arent afraid to express yourself. but dont worry youll be in college next year! and change isnt always bad, maybe itll teach you to be stronger without matt :) btw nice outfit!

http://sarassweetstyle.blogspot.com/

Shady Del Knight said...

This is an amazing composition, Lauren. One of my happiest boyhood memories was getting caught in a torrential downpour one day. My first instinct was to seek shelter but there wasn't any. The moment I realized that I was going to get soaked to the bone and that there was nothing I could do to prevent it was extremely liberating just as you described it. Rarely before or since have I ever felt so alive, free, and so much in tune with the universe. Life is all about change. You can either decide to embrace it or struggle against it. Which is more fun? Matt is graduating. He's not abandoning you. He'll be there for you and we'll be here for you.

April said...

Hugs!! Here are some quotes to comfort you (because they always comfort me):

"We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person."
— William Somerset Maugham

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."

Hope these help a little!

Em [The Writer] said...

That's so sweet! Such an inspirational post. And you totally reminded me of Jane from Tarzan in these photos :)

Mila said...

This post is amazingly inspirational, and I'm not sure if you even meant it to be! You've been overcoming fears, facing new challenges, and becoming a happier person this year, and this post kind of tells a little of your story. I'm so glad you're feeling better right now, and don't worry--you'll always have someone there for you!:)

xoxo

ChiccaStyle said...

WOW,love this composition!!! I am so happy you feel better right now and please think you're not alone!God bless you!
http://chiccastyle.blogspot.com/

The Daily Fashionista said...

You are an excellent writer. I love the pictures and your expression of letting go. You do look so happy. Just live your life to the fullest!

Kezzie said...

Lauren, I too don't like change,I grieve for the ending of eras of my life. I have had to cope with it but I will probably never stop disliking it. You are strong and you are brave (which shines through your writing- you ended soooo optimistically!) and you will be fine! God bless you lots!
I love giving in to the rain- there's a great book by Alexander McCall Smith called "Right attitude to rain" which I bought because my mindset to rain is that if you think you aren't going to mind it and will enjoy it, then you will! My boyfriend and I, just before we started going out and admitted me liked each other sat in the pouring rain in a beautiful arboretum to do just the same thing- not run away from it!
(BTW I loved the last picture best, even before you drew special attention to it! Love that blouse! And skirt! And earrings!)

alessandra nitti said...

oh so pretty! :-)


http://wonderfashionista.blogspot.com/

Jennyboo said...

You have such an amazing sense of style. I really love this outfit, especially the pastel skirt. These picture remind me of the perfect summer's day (albeit of thunder storms). And change is always hard, but I am sure everything will work out. There is something wonderful in the mystery of not knowing what will happen :-) xx

Victoria / Justice Pirate said...

Yeah this is going to be a tough year for you but I am sure you can get through it with God's help. That is the only way really!!

I love this blouse and skirt!!! So cute!!

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