Change. Change, change, change. Throughout my life I have hated that word with a fervor unexplainable. I am a person who hates change and will openly admit it. I am a creature of habit and it shows quite brightly in my life. I go to bed and wake up at the same times every day. I go to school for eight hours and do the same routine, not to mention buy the exact same lunch. I come home, do my usual blogging, watching t.v. and spend the rest of my night doing homework. I talk to Matt for exactly a half hour, say my prayers, tuck a rosary underneath my pillow, and fall asleep. I wake up to do it all over again, and I'm fine and perfectly content with this way of life. When for some reason this routine is disrupted, I feel frustrated and not perfected. I feel perfection sliding away from my grasp and chaos taking its place. In a few weeks, chaos will be taking over my life.
For all three years of my high school existence so far, my boyfriend Matt has been by my side. This June we will have been together for four years, and he is with out a doubt my best friend and other half. He is a senior this year, and I am a junior. He will be leaving high school forever in just ten days, and I will be stuck here. The one, single person who has been there for me through everything... The pain, the suffering, the panic and OCD attacks, the ridiculing, the fake friendships, the lies, the betrayal, the stress and all the much more... he won't be here anymore.
I'm so incredibly happy for him to be graduating. For him to be moving on to his next, exciting chapter in his life. I couldn't be more proud. But at the same time, I'm so incredibly sad and afraid. Afraid of what will happen to me when something does have to change. When he moves on with his life, and I'm stuck in the same exact position: how I always feel.
Gosh, I feel like it was just the start of the school year. Hot, sticky, end of August. I remember sitting on his porch, swinging on the wooden bench eating hot fudge sundaes. All of a sudden I just started crying, and Matt asked me what was wrong. At that moment I came to the realization that it was my last school year with him. So many lasts that I would never get back. Matt comforted me and assured me that we had a whole, long school year ahead of us. Homecoming, prom, football games and Friday nights. Where did this year go? Where did sitting on that bench at the end of August disappear to? Now it's May. Ten more days and Matt is done with high school forever. Twenty-two more days and he graduates. I would give anything just to go back to the beginning of the school year. To have more time left before he leaves.
When I took these pictures after school yesterday, there was a watch out for a severe thunder storm. I ignored the warnings, and decided to venture out to take pictures anyways. Half way through the pictures, it started to pour rain, thunder, and lightening. I rushed for my red VW Beatle, only to suddenly stop. I realized at that moment I was doing with my life what I was doing with the thunderstorm: running away. Running away from the impending changes and events that will be happening in the upcoming weeks. Running away from the reality that is going to come true whether I want it to or not. And with that realization, I placed my camera in the car, pulled the braid from out of my hair, and looked up into the stormy sky. I sat there in the rain and let it wash away all of my problems and worries. I sat there and I let the rain soak my skirt and dampen my hair. Run down my face in little rivets and tumble off onto the ground. And I felt free for once. After the storm ended, I went back to my car and retrieved my camera. The last shot in this post is after the thunderstorm. It's a picture where you can see that I finally look free. I finally look happy. I finally look ready for change.
With much love, Lauren.