I've often found I'm a huge people pleaser. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally. I've been a people pleaser as long as I can remember. I strive to please my classmates, my teachers, my parents, my family, my boyfriend, my followers and not to mention complete strangers.
I put how other people want me to act, think ,and live my life before how I think I should act, think, and live my life. I do this because I don't want to disappoint people. I don't want them to dislike me or be turned off by me. This trait in myself has always quite bothered me. I'd like to think I'm an individual. I've prided myself for years for not swaying into the crowds who drink, do drugs, smoke, have sex, ect...I've prided myself for thinking differently and dressing differenly than anyone in my small town. However, I do feel like sometimes I loose sight of myself in the midst of everything.
When faced with a crowd I don't particularly fit in with, I often mold myself into being that kind of person. Chatty and gossipy? I can be that girl. Quite and angsty? I can be her, too. Intelligent, misunderstood, outgoing, funny, likeable. I can be all of those traits. But who am I when no one's watching? I love that quote, and I think it speaks for it's self. Who am I when I'm not trying to get someone to be enchanted by me? Who am I when I'm not trying to avoid an awkward situation by pretending to be someone I'm not? Who am I and what am I all about?
The past few years have been tremendous learning experiences for me. I've learned so much, and found out so much about myself that I never knew existed in my heart and soul. There was a point a few years ago where most of you wouldn't recognize the girl who's typing this right now. You wouldn't recognize the girl you see in the pictures on this blog. I was the girl who would dress to please other people. I would dress to please certain crowds of people, specifically the 'in crowd.' Thankfully I escaped that wretched cycle of dressing to please, and found myself through my clothes. I wish instead of telling people about myself when I first meet them, I could just show them pictures instead. Because you know what they say: a picture's worth a thousand words.
Although I've found my soul through my clothing and don't aim to please anymore, I feel I still haven't found it through my personality. It's an insecurity thing I believe. Before I used to be insecure about my body and looks, but after I gained some confidence I gained a self appreciation for myself. I see though that I still lack confidence in my personalit . I'm not confident that I am able to be loved by people. I'm not confident that anyone could want 'someone like me.' It's the hardest thing in the world to learn to accept yourself, and that's something I'm finding out. People usually have trouble accepting their outside appearance, but what do you do when you have trouble accepting your inside appearance?
What do you do? You vow to change. I'm going to try to vow to change my ways. To stop being that people pleaser. To take in with open arms those awkward moments if it means that I let that individual get a taste of who I really am. To give up the actividies I do just to makes others happy. To display with confidence my ideals, thoughts, and morals to anyone and everyone, even if I'm not confident on the inside. And finally to accept that I am me and no one else. That I do have the capacity for someone to love me and that someday I will find someone who will want me. It might not be here and now, but there is someone out there who can love me for me and I won't have to people please no more.
With much love, Lauren.