Explanation.

13 comments
Life is so unexpected at times. Just when I think I have everything figured out, life manages to throw a curve ball at me every single time. Last night was no exception to say the least. I used to have problems and struggle over staying true to myself. In stressful social situations I would conform into another person so that conversation would flow more smoothly and I wouldn't feel so alone. After years of working on myself, I finally got rid of one bad habit only to develop another one. Well, it's not necessarily a habit but a bad sort of emotion I get: loneliness. After I stopped trying to conform to society, I found an overwhelming sense of loneliness I had never experienced before. For the past few years I've tried working on this, as well, but it's hard to feel satisfied. I often try to put the loneliness and unwanted feelings in the back of my mind and push it away. To forget about it all. Perhaps a form of denying that the feeling is there. I try to go about my life and act like I'm not hurting and I'm not suffering when in reality it's eating me away on the inside... It's only when a totally unexpected event unleashes these hidden feelings, thoughts, and emotions does everything in the back of my mind come rushing out.

Yesterday I was scheduled to work a double shift at Cheddar's which was fine by me. I don't mind the job, and the more I work, the more money I have to buy a camera. It seemed as though nothing could go right for me at work though. One little scenario after another happened to me yesterday,but individually the scenarios didn't affect me. As a whole though they started to rip me apart. It wasn't just particularly rude customers, but more so my even more rude co-workers. I thought that having a job and being out in the real world would be a relief from the frustrating high school setting I'm used to. Obviously I was very misguided in my thinking though! My co-workers (about 95%) of them are nothing more than a bunch of inconsiderate, rude, and immature grown up teenagers. They may be years ahead of me, but sometimes I doubt their intelligence. Because I'm the youngest and newest, they feel it's okay to take advantage of me, walk all over me, and just be outwardly rude. Pretty much how everyone else treats me in my life unfortunately. Not only are they all previous, lovely adjectives, but they truly isolate me. They all disinclude me in their conversations, ignore me, and just use me when it's convenient for them. Isolation I'm incredibly familiar with, but I would have figured I wouldn't have to listen to drunken renditions and drug bust stories like I'm forced to listen to when I'm in school. These people make me so incredibly disappointed and sad... I thought that perhaps I would get the chance to connect with others like myself after I got away from school, but I am just sadly disappointed. It makes me feel absolutely and totally hopeless. It makes me think as though, "is there really no one out there like me? Am I really going to be this alone forever....?"

After a long day of dealing with all of the little jibes of this and that listed above, the breaking point was at the end of the night for me. I would have been fine if this one little conversation had never happened, but it did happen and now I'm somewhat thankful. One of the busers was kindly talking to me about my life and asked if I liked my school. I replied back to him that I didn't because I didn't fit in. He then proceeded to ask the harmless question that dug into my very core: "Do you have any friends?" What a simple and not intentionally hurtful question it was. Something that shouldn't ever be hard to answer, but for some reason it was for me. I managed to stammer out a no which sent the boy into a fit of further questioning and I could see that familiar look of pity in his eyes. The look of pity that comes into everyone's eyes as I tell them about my real life. I could hear the "I'm so sorry" tone in his voice as he tried to put together a decent reply. For that moment when I replied no, my life became a startling reality to me. All of the pain and loneliness I deal with on a day to day basis became real and not just something locked into the depths of my mind. Saying out loud what I'm always too scared to say even to myself became a startling reality that I was trying not to face and still sometimes don't want to face.

My shift ended shortly after this conversation and upon getting in my red VW bug the tears just started pouring from my eyes uncontrollably. I had this terrible, horrible, gut wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had never felt so alone and worthless and I didn't quite understand why. So many months upon months of bottled up emotions and trying to be brave were let out all at once with just a simple, unexpected event. I cried the whole way home, unsure of what exactly I was upset about. I knew one thing though: I needed to write. I felt this pulling, unnerving feeling that I had to write. My fingers itched for a pencil or a key board. As I arrived home I threw my bag on the floor and went straight to the computer. I opened a new blog post, cried my eyes out, and wrote whatever was coming from my heart at the moment. After I finished I didn't care about anything but getting my feelings out there. I published the post without re-reading it to check for grammatical errors and spelling errors. At that moment I didn't care. I also turned off the ability to leave comments. I just had this strange hatred of anything that had to do with pity at that moment. I could just picture the pity in the boy's eyes when I had told him that I had no friends and I didn't want to picture it in any of your eyes, as well. It's not that I didn't want your support, but I just had to put something raw and totally free out there where I could release all of the pain I was feeling. I ended up crying myself to sleep last night and praying to God to just help me...

I had to go into work again this morning at nine, but when I arrived home I had an overwhelming amount of emails, messages, and comments waiting from all of you. I sat there and read them all with a heavy heart and can honestly say that I cried reading each one.. The strength and faith you all have in me is incredible and it makes me wildly jealous. You all have the confidence in me that I can never have in myself. I admire all of you followers so very much because you all have such beautiful and kind souls... I wrote above how after working with so many rude and unfeeling people it feels like I'll never meet anyone kind, but you all prove me wrong every time. Boy, would I just kill to have you all here in Ohio with me to give you a big, warm hug of thanks. I'm endlessly appreciative of your beautiful, comforting words. As I said, I'm envious of many of you, especially those of you who have such a beautiful relationship with God. I've been trying to have a closer relationship with Him, but I often feel as though I don't try hard enough or I don't trust in him like I need to. You all are an inspiration to me because I want the beautiful, pure, never ending relationship with God that you all have. I crave it and need it. More so than any human's affection, God's needs to come first and foremost...Thank you all for helping me to see that and for your heavenly words to me <3

I plan on personally replying back to every message that was sent to me, but it might be a few days. I'm currently without my house computer and am left using my Dad's laptop which I can only use in the evenings... But I do promise I'll get back to you all! Additionally, I need to apologize for being so absent from all of your beautiful blogs as of late... Along with a lack of computer, I have been working crazy amounts lately and am completely worn down... Just this weekend alone I worked nearly twenty hours, and next week I work five out of the seven days. Please try and stay with me as I work through this crazy new schedule of mine! I miss commenting/visiting your blogs dearly and will try my very best.
Finally after this very long post (congrats if you made it all the way through! If not, I can't blame you...) I'd like to say that I'll be back with an outfit post tomorrow! Whew! If only I had said that in the beginning ;)

With much, much love and thanks: Lauren.
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13 lovely little notes:

Shady Del Knight said...

Yes, I read every word of this post, Lauren, just as I read every word of the previous post. I am not writing this because I pity you and I will try very hard not to invalidate feelings that are very real to you. I would just like to remind you that you are not alone and you are not without friends. You have many friends here in blogland and I suspect that the vast majority of them are not just click-on friends but real friends who really care about you.

I can relate to your plight because I have literally spent my entire life asking "where are my people?" At school and in the workplace I encountered the same type of people that you have described. They're everywhere. There is also an abundance of what you would consider your type of people. You will find them eventually especially as you get older and enter your chosen profession.

When you seek and depend upon the approval of others for your happiness and well being, it's called "sorting by others." You will be much better off if you learn to disregard what others say or think of you and how they act around you and "sort by self" which means adopting an unshakable, unwavering belief in your own worth no matter what anybody else says.

Beyond that advice I can only add that you are not the only person in this world who often feels isolated and alone. Please remember that there are millions of other sweet, sensitive souls who also endure the pain of loneliness from time to time, including me.

dahhlayne said...

You seriously are very blessed to have an online community who cares for you. I had just stumbled upon these last two posts, and my heart goes out to you. I've definitely felt those feelings in the past; they were all too familiar. I'm just relieved to know that you are finding comfort in us - your community. But most of all, we definitely have a God we can run into 24/7. He gives us the ultimate comfort because His promises for us always endure. :)

forte-espressivo.blogspot.com

Stacey Kay said...

Feel better Lauren. I can assure you the rest of the world is unlike those who work at "Cheddar's" :-) Hope we get to meet in person soon! Are you thrifting with the 330 Blogger Collective this week?

xoxo
Stacey Kay
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OrigamiGirl said...

I find it shocking that people at work would treat you like that. My reaction is far more anger than it is pity Lauren. I am angry with those people and confused at why they don't see the value in you.
I am also very glad that you write this blog and have the support of the online community. I know you don't get to speak to us in person, but have you ever looked to see if there is some kind of blogger meet-up happening near where you are? Or some other event that involves leaving your home to meet other people?

Also, without meaning to be too nosy. How are you and your boyfriend? If you are still together I hope that you have talked about this with him and that he is supportive. I remember that he is older than you, are you friends with any of his year group that you can talk to?

Also I know you have heard it before and I know it is not a great comfort now, but this too shall pass. I was bullied at high school but a few years down the road I had lots of friends at uni and it all feels a very long time ago. Those people who laugh at you now will be scorned in their turn when they are still working at Cheddar's.
I look back at the people who picked on me at school and think 'How were you even important?' People have very different prioties at school. Yes there will always be twats in the world, but there are also so many more decent people and good friends waiting to be found.

awishisarainbow said...

I read both of them, every word...and I have to say your previous post made my eyes well up. Not from pity, but from the fact that I recognise what you are feeling. I commend you for writing how you felt...not only does it clear your mind, but reading it back allows you to recognise it and deal with it, especially after having bottled it up for so so long. I did the same with poetry, and wondered why it upset those around me. You do have people that care about you...your family and your online friends for starters. Remember they are there :) There will always be people who don't appreciate you...but there will always be people that do. Don't give up just yet :) There is an even bigger world out there, waiting for you! You will find your place...with friends...and you won't feel lonely any more. I did when I went to Uni :)Hold on in there :)

Maria Elyse said...

Thanks for explaining, Lauren. Like others have said, your posts made me sad and feel for you not out of pity, but because it was like a mirror of my own heart and feelings. And you have the courage to talk about it and not hold it all in. Like I said, people will always let you down. They are always uncertain and have swaying actions and feelings...especially those who don't truly love you or aren't your friends. I'm so thankful that God is the total opposite of humans: He is perfect. Lean on Him in all moments, we have to if we ever want peace. I sometimes think God gave us this wonderful blogging community because He knows our hearts and what we need. He gave us these friends and community because He is so loving and good. ♥

Anyway, I am sorry that you're treated like this at work. That's just unacceptable.

Love ya!

xo
Maria
First Impressions
Flying Ships Vintage

Victoria / Justice Pirate said...

I spent most of my life without friends, so I understand loneliness, and it doesn't help at all that my two best friends each live 3 and 8 hours away so I rarely get to see them. :( I am sorry that you have a hard time with having them. It is really hard to try to do things on our own, but I believe that God gives us friends in various portions of our lives. I have had "seasonal friends" which have come and gone, and I hope that the friends i currently have will be "forever". Really the only one I know that I can fully depend on and who will always be there for me is my husband, but God can take him as soon as He desires just as well (which would be difficult). It is good to have faith and trust in God with everything we have even and especially when it is difficult to do. I pray that you will be sent some dear friends who love the Lord like you and can grow and learn and pray together.

Kezzie said...

A wonderfully honest post Lauren- I wish I could articulate my feelings as well as this! Thank you for explaining and I am really irritated that there are people that treat people like this- it just makes me really cross! Like others said, it isn't pity. Like any friend of mine who tells me that they are lonely or have been upset, it just makes me angry at other people and care about that person even more! We are here for you, even if we can't hug you and chat in person!
Well done for surviving all the working hours- I had a job in a chip-shop when I was your age and spent lots of the holiday working- I don't miss that!

The darling homemaker said...

Oh Lauren,
I just read your blog today, and let me say I've experienced some situations very similar to yours. Just keep faith friend and everything will be okay. It's hard to believe, but even at the age of 38 I don't have one single friend where I live, it's true...this is why I treasure the friends I make on line, and you are one of them.

take care
your blog friend,
Jacqueline

Rachel said...

I love the honesty of this post. High school is so meaningless in the grand scheme of things (in a lot of ways anyway). I remember my last day senior year being so glad it was over. I always thought I would go around and say goodbye to my favorite teachers, etc. But on the last day I was so over the drama, etc. I was just walked out. There is soo much more to life than high school. :) I can never speak too badly of that time though, because it is where I met the husband. Have a good rest of your busy week!!

claire said...

well, i was away so i havent seen the last post yet but i will read it..i didnt have many friends at school i had one best friend in Primary school and some girls in the year above made fun of me all the time in the playground. as i grew older i cared less about friendships. Then i found my husband who became my best friend. Nowadays, i can count on one hand my true friends. (not counting blog friends)
Work collegues for me are mostly students as is the nature of the business, or school kids and sometimes i just long for the winter months when i dont need them and i can work on my own.
Ive always been happy in my own company. Sometimes i have to force myself to go out and be sociable.
I think if you read, or write a blog you will never be lonely.
xx

Savannah Miller said...

Dear Lauren,
I'm sorry this is a bit delayed, I've had no internet access. All of us followers (I'm positive) think you are a lovely and interesting person and would be very happy to be considered your friend. Please don't think I am pitying you,I'm sympathizing as someone who has occasionally felt the same way. I also wanted to say that I think God loves you just the way you are and appreciates every time you think about or talk to Him. You write about about Him without appearing to even notice it and I think that shows you do have a strong relationship with Him. I hope that you get to feeling happier and that your coworkers are kinder :)

Jul said...

Oh Lauren, I just read this and I think I'm going to cry. Being treated like this at job is just unbearable and unaccettable.
You know what? When I was a teenager (not so long ago actually haha) I thought friends were all one could want in her/his life. So I surrounded myself with people...but they weren't my friends. That people used to make fun of me in a really bad way that hurt me so badly... After some years I realised I didn't need them, but just because I found Moreno. Only then I found out that having a fantastic family like yours is the best thing that can happen in one's life.
You know what? You don't need them. You don't need some stupid and immature people into drugs and alcohol. YOU should feel the pity for them, because they don't know the real meaning of life. On the contrary, you do.
I hope you feel better...
With much love,
Giulia

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