Saturday, August 13, 2011

Raw Emotions.

The tears run down my face in fast rivets. My makeup is smeared and blotched, half on my face, half on my eyes. But what's more important than the sliding makeup is the look in my eyes. The hurt, the distress, the longing, the devestation, the grief, the desperation. My emotions are running high and I gasp for air as I type. Tt all seems like a twisted dream that's not mine, a window and I'm looking through it at someone else. The loneliness eats away at my soul everyday. It rips me apart piece by piece, bit by bit, day by day. I never really realize how lonely I am until someone offhandly mentions or aks about it. The emotions come fast and can't be controlled. I feel my eyes well up, then run over. My throat clasps shut. The images that hurt the most come popping into my head. As much as I try and block them out, they keep coming and cause me to break down. I realize that everything is a mess. My life is a mess. I don't belong here. I never have and never will. I keep trying to live this half life of being okay with having no one. I try and tell myself that's it's okay and that I'm really not alone ...but I am. I am and I can't deny or hide from it anymore. I'm not wanted by anyone or anything. I am nothing to nobody and that's all I'll ever be. I wasn't anything to him or her or you or them... I never was anything and I never will be. I'm worthless. All I'll ever be is someone to walk all over. Someone to push around and use. Someone not to lean on and love, but to be a mat to walk all over. It doesn't matter how kind and nice, sweet and sincere I am. I'm nothing to anyone. I don't even know why I try anymore because all I'll ever be is nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Nothing for anyone. It's something perhaps I didn't want to come to the realization of, but perhaps it's time that I do. That nobody could care about a person like me. Someone like me. A worthless nothing. That's all I'll ever be; nothing. I never changed, I'm still that inseure, awkard little girl. I managed to spruce myself up and change my outside, but a person can't change their inside. They can't change who they are supposed to be. I was destined to be this awkward, shy, girl no one wants. I can't blame them. I wouldn't want me either.