1980's Floral Dress: Thrifted.
Black Tights: JcPenny's.
Black Stilettos: Burlington.
Here's an excerpt I wrote on my personal tumblr a few days ago:
"I’m so self-conscious I could burst. My heart aches and yearns at the moment and I curl my lip in disgust at myself. My body has become jiggly and soft. A plethora of pink fatty tissue. I know I shouldn’t hate myself this way, but I can’t help it. I look at myself in the mirror and see the dimples on my thighs. I see the way my arm fat bulges when I turn to the side. I see the way my stomach flops over the tops of my jeans. I don’t want to turn into that girl I used to be. The one who is so insecure that her insecurities get the best of her. I defeated those demons once, and the struggle I won. I feel those demons coming back though. They inch through my unconscious and sneak upon me unexpectedly. It used to be the cause of the girls in my everyday life. I thought them to be the most beautiful and perfect creatures that ever waked this earth. As I have grown older and wiser though it is not these ordinary girls, but imaginary ones. Not quite imaginary, but it’s as though I’ve ever met them. I see them everywhere on the internet. These stick, doe eyed, beauties of Lookbook with their high cheek bones and dainty feet dangling from sky high Litas. Their outfits perfection. Their hypes in the thousands. Their fans hundreds. I long to be them. To be beautiful and unyielding. To be skinny and unstoppable. To be that force to be reckoned with. How can I ever fight these insecurities when I am going right into the pit of it all? The fashion industry. How may I suspect to survive amongst these beautiful angels when I myself am nothing but a talentless troll? I must have faith in God that he will strengthen me. That he will pull me all above the rest and find worth in myself. No one but Him can help me do this. I don’t rely on him enough for guidance and help, and now is the time that I must do so. If I don’t, I know I’ll fall apart all to soon. My insecurities and longings will eat away at my soul and turn me into nothing but a coward. I’d like to think I’m not wholly a coward now, and the last thing I want to do is to turn into one completely. I don’t want to lose myself. I don’t want to lose myself worth. I’m just tired of fighting this unending battle between myself and my appearance that no one seems to understand."
I can't tell you all how sad it makes me to read this. To read how much at that moment I hated myself and my body. To read how little faith and love I had in myself. It's devastating that I treat myself like this sometimes. I woke up the morning after writing this extremely disappointed in myself. Disappointed that I couldn't believe what I'm always preaching- to love yourself. I vowed to try and reverse the negative damage I had done by wearing this today. A tight, body con dress that shows every curve I have. I don't particularly like dressing like this. I don't like to sexualize myself and wear something so form fitting, but for me it was so important to wear this dress. To help give myself confidence to be proud of the curves and hips that I have and not be afraid or embarrassed by them.
I never thought I would associate myself as being a 'curvy' girl. Growing up I was always the petite, boyish figure because I was super athletic and swam year around... After I quit swimming my freshman year of high school, my body started to fill out and I noticed a lot of changes. I'm not sure if it's was the lack of exercise I got or that I was becoming a teenager, but suddenly my boyish figure turned into a womanly frame. This past fall with my homecoming post it was the moment I truly realized my body had done a 360. When I look at those pictures, I don't see Lauren... I see this super curvy girl with hips... and sometimes it's scary and crazy that this is really me.
I'm still getting used to my new shape and learning to accept it. It's obvious that I still have days where yeah, I'm going to be insecure and I'm wish I was like all of those stick thin girls. I realize I have a long, laborious journey ahead of me to accepting myself and sometimes I feel like I'm just at the beginning. But hey, we all have to start somewhere, don't we?
With much love, Lauren.
