SomeoneLikeYou Thursday, April 26, 2012
Lace Dress: Forever21.
Black Tie Boots: H&M.
Black Beret: Target.
Gold w/ Black Stone Ring: Thrifted.
Often times my outfits reflect my mood. The first words out of my dad's mouth this morning were, "well you look very Gothic." My response? "Reflects my mood. Perfect."
I've been having a rough time lately. I seem to be stumbling around more than I'd like. I only have one month until I'm done with school, twenty actual days left, and graduation is right around the corner. I seem to be struggling though to hang on in this last stretch. Everything feels like it's crashing in all around me.
I'm not a smart person as much as my classmates like to think I am. I've taken almost all of the advanced courses at my school, maintained an above 4.0 g.p.a. and been in the top percentage for my class since day one. None of this came without strife though. I am actually an incredibly stupid human being. I don't comprehend material right away, but have to look over concepts again and again. I cry at the drop of a hat if I don't understand, and completely shut down allowing no information to sink through. I can't not study- I will fail. I have to study for hours and hours for anything to sink in...Sometimes I contemplate whether or not I have a learning disorder because I just don't get things in school. It's so frustrating.
As a freshman, sophomore, and even junior I spent all of my nights and weekends studying. It's all I would do because I wanted to be in the top of my class, considered for scholarships, get into a good college. But as I hit my senior year something happened. I lost all of my gumption to study for some reason, and my classes became impossible. They weren't impossible because I wasn't trying, but because I had finally reached my maxed out level where succeeding requires less of studying endlessly and more of actually comprehending quickly.
I'm at a point where I'm completely frustrated at school. I can't seem to do good in any of my classes which worries me. I mean, I know a B most my classes (okay some are B-'s) isn't necessarily bad, but for my parents it isn't acceptable. Getting these good grades all through high school hasn't been for myself. It's been to please my parents and make them proud of me. I feel like I haven't really done anything in my life to make them proud. I used to swim competitively, but I quit that. I used to play an instrument, but I quit that. I've never been really talented at anything, so I figured my grades were the only thing I had going for me. Without them though...I just feel like I've disappointed my parents so much. Like they have nothing to be proud of me of. At graduation I won't be the girl with 100 scholarships or the girl who went to state. I won't be the girl who won solo and ensemble. I won't be the girl who is popular, well liked, and missed by her classmates. I'll just be Lauren.
All my life I wondered what sort of 'legacy' I'll leave behind, and I still always wonder this. What do I have to my name to call my own? I just feel like I've let my parents down so much lately. I want to make them proud of me and right now I'm at a loss of how to do that.
My slipping grades as a senior in high school also make me worried for what is to come in college. I'm a horrible test taker (I get freaked out and forget everything) and it makes me scared to think about how I'll do in college. Where the classes are even harder. Do you all know what my worst fear is? Not succeeding when I go to college. Having to drop out of Kent, come back home, go to the branch college, and tell all of my friends, family, and classmates that I couldn't do it. I couldn't be on my own, go to school, and succeed. These thoughts keep me up at night and haunt me. I don't want to be a failure. I don't want to always be the stupid girl. I want to be someone.
I know this is a rambly post. I know it probably doesn't mean anything to any of you, but for me I just needed to write. To get all of this out and make it...real. Not something I make up in my mind.
With much love, Lauren.
P.S. Don't mind my hair in these pictures. I realize it looks ghastly! I really need it cut and colored, but I'm afraid to do anything so close to prom. So don't mind my damage hair. Yikes, just look the other way.