Blackest Black.

20 comments
Lace Dress: Forever21.
Black Tie Boots: H&M.
Black Beret: Target.
Gold w/ Black Stone Ring: Thrifted.

Often times my outfits reflect my mood. The first words out of my dad's mouth this morning were, "well you look very Gothic." My response? "Reflects my mood. Perfect."

I've been having a rough time lately. I seem to be stumbling around more than I'd like. I only have one month until I'm done with school, twenty actual days left, and graduation is right around the corner. I seem to be struggling though to hang on in this last stretch. Everything feels like it's crashing in all around me.

I'm not a smart person as much as my classmates like to think I am. I've taken almost all of the advanced courses at my school, maintained an above 4.0 g.p.a. and been in the top percentage for my class since day one. None of this came without strife though. I am actually an incredibly stupid human being. I don't comprehend material right away, but have to look over concepts again and again. I cry at the drop of a hat if I don't understand, and completely shut down allowing no information to sink through. I can't not study- I will fail. I have to study for hours and hours for anything to sink in...Sometimes I contemplate whether or not I have a learning disorder because I just don't get things in school. It's so frustrating.

As a freshman, sophomore, and even junior I spent all of my nights and weekends studying. It's all I would do because I wanted to be in the top of my class, considered for scholarships, get into a good college. But as I hit my senior year something happened. I lost all of my gumption to study for some reason, and my classes became impossible. They weren't impossible because I wasn't trying, but because I had finally reached my maxed out level where succeeding requires less of studying endlessly and more of actually comprehending quickly.

I'm at a point where I'm completely frustrated at school. I can't seem to do good in any of my classes which worries me. I mean, I know a B most my classes (okay some are B-'s) isn't necessarily bad, but for my parents it isn't acceptable. Getting these good grades all through high school hasn't been for myself. It's been to please my parents and make them proud of me. I feel like I haven't really done anything in my life to make them proud. I used to swim competitively, but I quit that. I used to play an instrument, but I quit that. I've never been really talented at anything, so I figured my grades were the only thing I had going for me. Without them though...I just feel like I've disappointed my parents so much. Like they have nothing to be proud of me of. At graduation I won't be the girl with 100 scholarships or the girl who went to state. I won't be the girl who won solo and ensemble. I won't be the girl who is popular, well liked, and missed by her classmates. I'll just be Lauren.

All my life I wondered what sort of 'legacy' I'll leave behind, and I still always wonder this. What do I have to my name to call my own? I just feel like I've let my parents down so much lately. I want to make them proud of me and right now I'm at a loss of how to do that.

My slipping grades as a senior in high school also make me worried for what is to come in college. I'm a horrible test taker (I get freaked out and forget everything) and it makes me scared to think about how I'll do in college. Where the classes are even harder. Do you all know what my worst fear is? Not succeeding when I go to college. Having to drop out of Kent, come back home, go to the branch college, and tell all of my friends, family, and classmates that I couldn't do it. I couldn't be on my own, go to school, and succeed. These thoughts keep me up at night and haunt me. I don't want to be a failure. I don't want to always be the stupid girl. I want to be someone.

I know this is a rambly post. I know it probably doesn't mean anything to any of you, but for me I just needed to write. To get all of this out and make it...real. Not something I make up in my mind.

With much love, Lauren.

P.S. Don't mind my hair in these pictures. I realize it looks ghastly! I really need it cut and colored, but I'm afraid to do anything so close to prom. So don't mind my damage hair. Yikes, just look the other way.
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20 lovely little notes:

Claire said...

you do not even know how relatable this is to my life right now. I also feel like I'm not good at anything, and I'm so scared that I'm letting everyone down because I'm not good enough at anything. But the thing is, you are good at one thing, blogging, you have an amazing blog and 532 people want to hear what you have to say, and I'd say that's something to be proud of, so don't sell yourself short. (: xx

Natasha Atkerson said...

Have your parents actually TOLD you they're not proud of you? Or are you assuming they're not proud of you? I know God is proud of you! You seem like a very nice girl, I don't know your parents, but I'm 90% positive they'll love you as long as you're doing your best, that's all they can ask for, right? Whenever I start to freak out about things in my life going like a roller coaster, I pray. When was the last time you prayed? God can give you an amazing peace, but you have to ask Him. He WILL overwhelm you with love and peace beyond anything you could ever imagine!
Natasha
A Modest Fashion Blog:
www.natashaatkerson.blogspot.com

Laura said...

Girlie, just take a deep breath. You are going to do wonderful at Kent. Why? Because you obviously have the motivation and drive to do so. The people who don't do well in college are the ones who don't care. You will have those classes that are just going to take that extra work; the trick is recognize that early on, get a tutor, and you'll be fine.

I know what you mean though, sometimes I feel like I try so hard to be perfect with everything I do: school, work, travels, and everything else, but I always try to please my parents, especially my mom, even though I'm 20 years old. Sometimes thought it just doesn't feel like it will ever be enough. So, I'm glad that I have finally hit that point in my life, where it is all about pleasing myself and not my parents anymore. I mean, I still want to make them proud, and I'm sure I do, (Just like I'm sure you make your parents proud), but you just get to that point where it is about making yourself proud first.

Chin up girl!

xoxo,
Laura
http://lauraisthriftingthroughlife.blogspot.com/

Teddi said...

lauren, you sound completely burned out. do your parents know you feel this way, or are going through this? i wonder if maybe you could print this post, & leave it as a letter, so that they may understand? please know that you are more than your grades. college might be a big adjustment period. it may take awhile for you to figure things out. try to be gentle, & patient with yourself.

shay said...

Wow, thanks for writing about this! Now I know that I'm not the only one going through this right now....I think that senior year is a challenge in general, because it's an incredible amount of stress because of applications, extra currics, work, etc. Add to that the feeling of being so close to being an actual adult, and.......no matter how hard you try, there's a limit. I think college will actually be a little easier to pay attention because you're taking classes in things you're interested in.
As for the parents....I understand the pressure (mine are the same way), but they, along with your friends and family, will be proud of you no matter what, because they love you for who you are. No matter what, you will be someone-you'll be yourself :)

Jennifer said...

That dress is so adorable! I love your throwback style!

xo Jennifer

http://seekingstyleblog.wordpress.com

Katie Q. said...

I'll tell you this, college is SO much easier than high school ever was! I had to work my butt of in high school to keep my good grades, the amount of time I spent on homework was insane and I was so scared to go into college, thinking it was going to be even worse. However, it really was just such a relief the first year, it seemed so much easier than that last year of high school.

The last year of high school is so stressful and you really sound like you're starting to hit a wall with it. Please take care of yourself dear, I hope this passes by fast for you!

Chrissy88 said...

I was very much like you when I was in high school. I had the 4.0 all through school. While some subjects didn't require as much study, the advanced classes always took tons of my time, literally hours of studying every night. Really, most people in the advanced classes are putting in alot of homework time, with only the occassional person who doesn't really need to study. College is actually much easier, although some classes require bursts of heavy-duty studying. I'm sure you're parents are really proud of you. I often felt like good grades were my "thing" that I was good at and that if I didn't get them, I really had nothing. I didn't get burned out in high school, but I really took the achievements thing too far in college and by my final year I was really burned out, sick of it all, and ended up with the B's the last semester. I was really disappointed at the time. You will find once you are out of school that the school achievements (or failures, for those in the opposite situation) don't mean as much in the "real world." While I'm glad I had good grades, I often wish I hadn't worried so much about having perfect grades and winning awards. So to make a long story short, I think you are probably a bit burned out but that is ok and you are being too hard on yourself. You should be very proud even if you end up with all B's for this year!

Anonymous said...

You are a smart girl but what gets to me is that your really stressing over something so miniscule so much!!! You're suppose to enjoy high school! Because if you keep stressing and thinking this way when you look back at your high school years you are going to hate it and be like "why didn't i just breath and enjoy it" as a college student I will tell you, IT IS NOT AS HARD AS PEOPLE SAY IT IS! One of the things that changes is the fact that your on your own and your teachers will not be on your back asking you how your doing. You get me. You already got into the school you wanted to a few B's is not going to take that away from you. I graduated with honors from my high school, my parents weren't gonna have it any other grade. And I'm sure your parents will be proud of you either way! Your set to graduate with honors from what I see. Your parents will always love you because they know how hard you have worked for this..my piece of advice is to just BREATH!!!!! Your soooo young and you don't need to stress out this much over high school. Enjoy it!!!! I really hope you didn't take none of this offensively because that is not my intention, I just hate seeing that your always stressed.

I probably misspelled a lot on her :p

In case you wish to reply.

sgarcia1717@yahoo.com

Sian Thomas said...

I completely understand how you feel (again!!). I've always been the girl with good grades, top of the class. When I was a lot younger it was easy for me, but as I got older it got harder, and I took to studying so hard that I could never fail. I've always done all my work to my best ability, but always taken on too much too - at 14/15 we do big exams in the UK (GCSEs), and instead of doing 10 like everyone else, I took 14 plus an AS level (which people take the next year), and from then on, I've always studied crazy amounts more than everyone else. I always end up working from 9am to at least 10pm, I don't do breaks either really. And it's nothing to me to stay up until 1am doing more work, even over the weekends. But now in my final year of uni, I've been quite ill over this year and I just haven't been as motivated. While I've still worked just as much, I haven't got as much done, and I've missed a lot (a LOT) of classes, so I'm terrified of how my grades will be affected. There's never been any direct pressure on me to do well because I just always have done, so if I don't, it will disappoint everyone. Everyone just expects me to get the top grades, so I've never been 'rewarded' for doing so, but if I don't, well, they'll just be disappointed. I've never had such a difficult year and I just want it to be over.
Sorry for, yet again, the massive comment, you just made me think how much I feel the same way!!
xx

Carina said...

Okay, so I am probably THE WORST person to be telling you this because I stress a hell of a lot but please, do not worry! I am in exactly the same position as you. Went through high school getting top grades and receiving awards only to be getting marks below my standard in my final year. It is going to be tough, but you just got to keep trying and trying, keep your head held high. I'm sure your parents are extremely proud of you, as long as you are doing your very best that is more than enough. And please don't worry about 'just being' Lauren. I believe that being who you are is an amazing achievement. I have seen you grow into a mature young woman who has a bright future ahead.

Remember that there are so many opportunities out there. Your success is not solely determined by school results. I think you will be able to do anything if you put your mind to it.

Remember life is a beautiful thing, don't get yourself down :)
lots of love
Carina

Demy said...

Hi. Uhm, you're stressing too much. I mean, America's system does give you the chance to relax when in high school. Let me tell you something, I live in Greece, I'm in the final year of high school and the only way to go to the university is to ace my finals, which I sit for in 20 days. Whoever doesn't write good in the finals, doesn't have the chance to go to the university or any other college. So please consider yourself lucky and be sure that your parents are very proud of you. Girl, I am proud of you...And I don't even know you in person. I know that your soul is better than anyone else's and COME ON, I know you'll make it. College is a whole another world and the fact that you get to go there without going through these finals is precious. I think that you do sit for some sort of finals, but to go to college you fill in applications or something? I may have it all wrong, but what I want to say is that you are an awesome person and that no matter what you do your family will always be there for you without judging you. And even if you don't make it and you have to go back to your house, then...where's the problem??? Failure is for the people, always remember this. For the last 7 months, I've been studying day to night, literally, and yet nobody guarantees that I'll go to the college I want. But there's nothing I can do, and there's nothing you can do for your case. If you fail, it's ok, you failed. Now pull your self together and do something better that really suits your life and everything. Even if it takes you a decade to find it, you'll eventually find it, because life is too small to waste it worrying about things that haven't even happened and probably won't happen. I really hope I made you feel better, although I doubt it and I wish you'll sit and think through this, because you have people who care about you, your family, your friends, Matt...

awishisarainbow said...

I partly know how you feel...I always felt through school and 6th form that if I didn't get top marks, be the best in the class, or get the awards that somehow I was letting my parents down. It didn't help that they used to tease me by saying 'what happened to the other 3%/4 marks?' etc. But when I confronted it, I realised that MY best was all they asked, not THE best. I can almost guarantee that your parents feel exactly the same. Don't worry :) As for leaving behind a legacy, school really isn't the be all and end all...I worried that I would be the forgotten one, always the one no-one remembered, not asked about once I'd left, that I would never make any new friends, never achieve anything. However, then I went to Uni. I might not be the highest achiever in my group, I'm not the most popular, but I have certainly achieved. I've found other things to leave my legacy and now I don't care that my peers from school probably don't think about me. I know, however, that part of me will stay at Uni through my Belly Dance class which has done so much, and is carrying on without me next year. I know I've made an impression on people I've met, much more than I did at school. And I've got stressed by work, I've not understood things, but despite that I've always felt I've done my personal best. So, basically, all that waffle is to show you...you WILL succeed if you strive to do your best. Don't feel pressured by others to always prove yourself and certainly don't worry about failing...you are nowhere near a failure. What seems impossible now will seem so easy in a few years time, you'll look back and smile :)

Emily:) said...

Step one: Take a deep breath.
Step two: Realize that you are good at something. It obviously shows here that your an amazing blogger. There's over 530 people here that are here for you and love what you do!
Step three: Whoa, you've maintained above a 4.0 GPA? Thats awesome! That is something to really be proud of Lauren, your incredibly intelligent. Give yourself a little room to have those B's, everyone gets them!

And lastly, you look gorgeous in your dress. I dunno what it is, maybe the green background with the black? You just look amazing.
<3

Kezzie said...

Oh Lauren, I know what it's like when you feel disappointing/disappointed in yourself. I beat myself up all the time about things I do badly or have not succeeded at. I worry every day when I have a rough lesson when I am at school that I am an awful teacher and I've only been getting away with it so far and no one has twigged, but soon they will. I was always disappointed with myself in our English equivalent to your Senior year because I didn't do as well as I was expected to do. I did ok, I got more than what I needed for Uni, but I just didn't feel it was good enough. It is different at uni, you are there because you want to be there. And sometimes,the subject and course is not for you, that's probably what you're feeling at school. I presume that's not what you'll be studying at UNi. And if you didn't do so well (which I am sure you will do fine), then the main thing is that you tried. I am cross with myself in my equivalent senior year because I DIDN'T try hard enough, I didn't put in the hours I should have done.
Remember though (and I think this everytime I feel wretched after a bad lesson or something), that God loves you just as you are. You are fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of the living God! And you know it! Isn't that something that your parents feel joy in aswell- many parents would love to have a daughter that loves and knows God like you do!
Anyway, enough waffling from moi
Hugs x

Kezzie said...

..oh and love the black lace!

Anonymous said...

Lauren,

You are a beautiful young woman with your whole life ahead of you. Your parents love you and are proud of all you do and trust me, they don't care your grades are not A's. Your an A+ to them now and forever. Your precious, irreplaceable, lovely and feeling the pains of crossing one threshold of life into another. Enjoy the love of your family and let their unconditional love for you give you peace and happiness.

Marie Danielle said...

Lauren, the very same words you wrote have gone through my own head so many times too. I think we all probably have had times when we feel like we are failing, and worry about what's up ahead. Just keep your chin up girly! The sun always comes out and things always look different in the morning! :-) You are a beautiful, kind, smart and caring person from what I have come to know on this blog and from what I can tell you are going to do just fine in the future! You have a good head on your shoulders. :-) Sending a big hug your way!! <3
Marie

PS Said all that and forgot.. Your outfit is lovely! I too tend to dress in sync with my mood sometimes. :-) Black is beautiful and so classic though, I don't think I ever grow tired of seeing it!

Britney said...

You are someone Lauren :D. Look at all the extraordinary things you do each day. You are extraordinary and fantastic and brilliant too!

Anonymous said...

You are extremely melodramatic. You say 'my life' like you have lived scores. You are so bloody young. Quit being such a drama queen!

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