It all started last night. I was just saying what was on my mind, what I've thought on and off for months. For years. It never made any difference, he always didn't believe me. But last night he finally did. I told him how unhappy I was. How I'm always unhappy. How I've fallen out of love and just stopped trying. Stopped calling. Stopped laughing at his jokes. Stopped being nice. Stopped being boyfriend and girlfriend. I don't know why I stopped trying. I guess things just got to comfortable. He was just there, I didn't have to try, didn't have to win him over. He was just there and I was satisfied with that. But sometimes just being satisfied isn't enough. Sometimes it's okay to want more and that's what I thought I wanted.
I exchanged harsh words, words that I would always think but not utter. Scathing, hot, burning, cutting words. I said them without feeling. Without care. Without anything. My eyes didn't water, I didn't think about anyone but myself. I didn't think about him. He was speechless. Sat across from me with cold eyes filled with sadness. I could see them welling up with every word. I could see myself destroying him with every syllable but I didn't care. I kept going, farther than I ever had before. This time was different. I was scared but I thought I was going down the path I wanted.
My heart felt so heavy. My stomach so empty but yet I wanted to throw up. Throw up everything I had left because it made me so sick to think about what I'd done. Before I could change it all there was no turning back. Dread crept into me and everything started spinning. I couldn't believe what I'd said and what I'd done. I felt like I was in some sort of sick dream. I was going to wake up and everything would be like it always was. Nothing would change. But it did. He saw for once what I've been seeing all these years, or maybe it's just what I've thought I've seen. Sometimes I don't know. I walked him out to his car in silence and he unlocked his car and I started at him, unable to speech, too scared it was the last time. He told me goodbye, this time without an I love you. It wasn't like I deserved it anyways. I walked back to my house. Just like I've done so many times for so many years. I thought that maybe this time was the last. I got to hug him though before he left. It wasn't like it used to be though. It was cold and distant. Broken.
I called him that night. I waited too long staring at the phone before I did. Too scared to dial the number that my fingers know by memory without even looking. I stalled for time. Reading a magazine, writing in my diary, trying to avoid the inevitable. I did dial the number though. My fingers felt heavy and when he picked up my breath skipped a beat. I wasn't sure if I would ever hear it again. We switched roles just then. He was the calm one and myself and blubbering mess. The tears came out in hot rivets on my face. My black eye makeup running down, staining my cheeks and my throat choking. I begged for him to reconsidered. To know I idn't mean it. That it was all a mistake. That I couldn't bear to lose him. He was my everything. My only friend. The only one I could trust in, count in, be something to. I couldn't imagine my life without him. His voice was steady and even unlike it had been earlier. He spoke with confidence, not a wavering voice. He told me how he had accepted it and that I should to. It was what I had wanted earlier anyways. He told me that my emotions were running away with myself. That it was my OCD talking, not me. I couldn't think straight, that it was impossible that I could change my mind so quickly. He told me he had talked to his friends. His mother. That they all said the things I didn't want to hear. That it should be over. That we didn't have anything left. That I couldn't keep dragging this out. That if I wasn't in love with him, than why should I hold him back. I knew they were right. I felt so selfish. So vile and despicable to want him all to myself. To claim him as my own without the promise of marriage after five years. I hated myself at that moment. Loathed. I was nothing but a selfish monster who wanted to keep everything she's ever known in the only boy she'd ever loved.
And I broke down. My breath came out in sobs that I choked back. I gagged and couldn't talk, gasping for breath that wasn't there. I started rasping out my memories. Everything that had ever connected us together as one. They came out so fast I couldn't stop them. Every happy moment I could ever remember. He tried to stop me from saying them but I kept going, digging myself deeper into the hole. That's when he broke down. I could hear him crying on the other end just like I had been. The memories were too hard for him to think about. We decided that we would talk about it the next day. We were both tired and it was well after midnight. Emotions were running high and we couldn't think straight. I was to call him the next morning.
I went down and talked to my mother. My sobs were violent and my face raw with salted tears. My eyes were nearly swollen shut from crying so much. My stomach hurt and my head was spinning. I talked to my mother. She understood. She always does. She started to cry to. Because she knew how much I was hurting. How much he meant to me. How much it would kill me to lose him. After talking I went to bed with an even more heavy heart. Not even wanting to sleep because nothing could take me away from the nightmare.
I sat in my bed and opened the box that held everything he's ever given me. Letters. Presents. The tickets to the plays we saw. Pictures. Poems he wrote me. Old Valentines. Five years worth of everything. I sat there and read through everything with the tears rolling down. I smiled- something that felt so out of place at the time. I just couldn't help it though. The memories made me too happy. But seeing what we once had tore me apart. The love, the happiness, the trust and just gratitude. It tore me apart and made me even weaker than before. At that moment I wanted to throw it all away and never read it again because it hurt too much. Reading his heart.
I turned out my light and prayed. It didn't feel like God could help me much at that moment but I knew it was better to try than do nothing at all. So I prayed.
I laid in bed awhile. I'm not sure how long. My mind ran with so much to think about. I couldn't stop. Eventually I didn't fall asleep though. I didn't have any nightmares. It wouldn't have mattered anyways. They couldn't have been worse than what I was actually facing. I woke up this morning early. Earlier than I usually do for a Saturday. My eyes were swollen shut and still blood shot from the previous night. Dried mascara had worked it's way into the crevices of my eyes and I wiped it away with frustration. I hate feeling ugly. I laid in bed awhile thinking. Not crying just thinking. He had told me to call him in the morning. He wakes up early so it didn't matter when I called him back. So I did. I shook when I dialed his number again. I knew he wanted me to make a decision but I was left numb and confused. The first time I called he didn't answer. Frustrated I called back again. He answered.
His voice sounded tired. Like he was burdened. Not the usual carefree and chipper voice I'm used to hearing. But then again, I sounded like hell, too. We talked for an hour. I was still as confused and hurt as I was last night. I thought I could hold back the tears but they came just as they did last night. Bitter, hot, and angry. He said it was up to me to make the decision. I didn't know what to do. It's not fair to keep him in this if I'm not in love with him. But I told him I wanted to try. To use the summer to work things out. To give it more effort. He doesn't have to, but I do. I would call, I would be nicer, I would try more things, not sleep so much, not be so grumpy. I would be nice. We would go on adventures all summer just like we used to. Go for walks and talk for hours and go to DQ. I would get the most fattening thing on the menu and he would get the most healthy. Just like it's always been and always should be. He didn't want to though. He didn't think I could change and sometimes I don't know if I can either. But I wanted to give it a try. After reading the letters last night I wanted to get back what we had. I was willing to do anything. He said the decision was up to me but I knew it really wasn't. I could tell in his voice his decision was already made. He just didn't want to say it.
Then I got upset. The thought of losing the only friend I've ever had. But he told me he would always be here. That things weren't going to change. That we would still be best friends. That I could still call him. That I could still come over. That I could still talk to his mom and laugh with his dad. That everything would be like it always was. Even if his believed that though I don't. Things will never be like the are now if we ended it. Sure it's only a titled we have right now but the title means so much. He told me not to call it breaking up because it wouldn't be like that. Maybe to him it wouldn't. To me it would. I couldn't stand the though of losing him like that. Not calling him every night and talking. Not confiding everything I know in him. Not being someone's number one. It devastated me. And what about when I go to Kent? Not having truly anyone at that moment. Not having anyone to come back to. To comfort me when I feel alone and depressed up there. I thought he would always be there for me when I would go through that difficult time this coming fall but maybe he won't. I don't know.
We got off the phone. It was only 10 o'clock in the morning and I was already exhausted. We agreed to see each other this evening. Six o'clock. We're going to talk. I don't know what's going to happen but right now I don't have much faith in anything anymore. We're still together at the moment but just barely. I feel so broken. No, missing a part of me. I don't know right from wrong and yet I do know that I can't lose him. I don't want to and I can't. We'll see what happens tonight. I prepare myself for the worst because that's what I honestly believe. I don't have much faith in anything anymore. I just know that I'll never forget this. I'll never forget him. I'll never forget what we were. I'll never forget us.