I guess I never thought it would happen to someone like me. A small blog like mine, so small it could fly under the radar. I'd visited GOMI (a site specifically made to hate on bloggers) a few times. Curious to see what it was, what all the fuss was about. One night I looked through 80 pages of it, scrolling through the posts reading about bloggers I knew and followed. I haven't visited for a few months, but then saw in my stats I was getting a crazy amount of traffic from the site. With shaky hands, I clicked on the link.
Someone started a thread about me. Me, Lauren who's 18 years old and who's lived in a small town in Ohio all her life. You think things like internet hate can't happen to you, but the reality is that they can happen to anyone. At first I was shocked. I read down through the thread at what people were saying about me. That I shouldn't think I'm a role model. That I'm not confident like I play out to be, but just insecure. That I post too many pictures. That I was condescending and too critical of my classmates at the senior party. That I don't know what I'm talking about and I'm just a young, naive, clueless girl.
You know what? I am. I have no clue what I'm doing here. I've been blogging for two and a half years and am still clueless about a lot of things. I'm insecure 75% of the time. I don't know who I am most the time. I misjudge, over speculate, make things out to be too big of a deal than they really are. I'm a screw up and I know it. I'm young, and foolish and clueless just like they said. Many times, I don't deserve to be a role model for all of you because I can't be one for myself.
But it's about time I start being one. First step? Standing up for this, standing up for myself. I don't care if I'm all over the GOMI blog tomorrow with hundreds of replies in the thread about all the wrong things I do on here. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care. I posted 20 pictures on my last post? So what. I don't care if it annoys you, I love to do it and always will. It makes me happy to scroll through those pictures. Looking back at pictures from two years ago, I'm so glad I captured those memories because they hold a moment in time that I can't remember. They hold a power and feeling that will never be replaced. I'll always post a million pictures. It's part of who I am.
Someone also dug up my post I did on my 'first party experience' that I posted a month ago. That post angered a lot of people. It angered a lot of you. I got a lot of backlash from it that I didn't expect. A lot of you (and on the thread) told me that I was condescending, that I should be more understanding, yada yada... I could have been a coward and deleted that post. I got a ton of negative feedback on it. I could have been a coward and apologized for it, something I would have done a year ago. But I'm here right now and I'm not apologizing. I'm sheltered and I'm innocent and yeah, I'm condescending. No one knows or understands what went on at that party but me. You can't judge me and say I'm being too harsh because you weren't there. If you're one of my classmates, come and talk to me about it but if you're not i don't care. I have morals and I have standards and what I saw that night was neither of them. I don't care if it makes me sound snobby or condescending. This is me and I'm apologetic for it. I'm a prude- I'm saving myself for marriage. I plan on abstaining from alcohol my entire life because of my OCD. I want to stay free from drugs because I want to live life on a natural high. If you do those things, fine, I don't care. But don't ostracize me for it. I know the life God wants me to live and how he wants me to live it. I may be foolish and naive but that party was a learning experience for me. How did YOU feel the first party you went to? I'm sure you weren't completely comfortable and peachy. I learned and grew from that experience and don't regret it for the world. I put my experience out there for people to read and I understand the consequences of that.
Something people fail to realize a lot of times how real I am. How much I really am a real person. That I get hurt, too, you know. That things like being on a GOMI thread make me upset and make me cry, a lot. One thing I'll never apologize for though? Is being real. People have told me that I put too much on the internet. My mom, my dad, Matt, and even readers. Sometimes I wonder myself if I put too much on here. Although I've wondered, I've never regretted sharing my life. One thing the thread commenters kept saying was,she's so young, she's so young, she's so young.' I am young. I am stupid. And I am documenting it all for the world to see. You all get to keep your mistakes and secrets locked away in a diary. Maybe in your mind. Maybe to your best friend. I've always wanted to write them on here. I've realized that sometimes it's not the best place. I have lots of people with different mind sets, people from school, ect...but I can't not pour my heart out. I can't not be real to you all. My God, so much of my life I've fricken' hid. I've hid who I am, I hid my body, I hid my secrets. I decided two and a half years ago when I started this blog that I AM DONE HIDING. I could scream and shout and yell with all of the fury right now that I have. I am done hiding who I am. I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE for being me and for putting me out there. All you people who write these mean things, why do you do this? Why do you take time out of your day to make me miserable, to make me cry? I've cried for the past hour now and I'm sick of it. I'm not sad, I'm not hurt by what you've said I'm ANGRY. I never get angry. I get hurt, I get emotional, I get sad, but not angry. No one can tell me who I am and what I'm about. I will not back down from this blog. I will not stop writing what need to be said. I will not stop writing what I feel, what I see, what I live. I never will. Nothing like a thread of hate will make me back down.
I'm here for a reason. God had me create this blog, I know he did. A commenter said that I'm not a role model and to them I say screw off. For once in my life I won't be the girl who bashfully denies something, who can't believe in herself for anything. I believe I am a role model. I believe I have touched people's lives. I believe that I have made a difference. When I first started my blog, I told myself that if I can make a difference in ONE person's life, than this blog was worth it. And you know what, this blog has been worth it a thousand times over. I have met so many incredible, inspiring girls who have these stories that absolutely blow my mind. You all are my role models, my inspiration, the reason I can keep going on.
I'm going to get torn apart for this post and frankly I really don't care. Let me. As I've said before, I'm young, naive, and stupid. I'm 18 years old for pete's sake. I'm going to make so many mistakes, so many wrong turns, so many ' i wish I would have done this or that' I won't even be able to count. I want to be fearless though and not take the crap someone gives me for once in my life. Gosh, I want to stand up for myself. You wouldn't think it would be that hard but in life, it is. Like college it's real and it's daunting and it's scary. You have to pay consequences for it and you have to be strong. I want to be someone who is strong. Never was strong a word I associated myself with, but maybe after this post, I can.
I'm not going to let someone like them ruin someone like me.
With much love, Lauren.
