Peter Pan Blouse: Forever21.
White Skirt, Earrings: Thrifted.
Black Boots: H&M.
I thought I was doing well until it hit me today. No amount of homesickness, hard classes, getting lost, being soaked, or feeling just plain lonely has been worse than this empty hole that has been left in my heart. Little things would make me sad now and then, reminders and memories, but nothing like today's been. Today my heart feels like a thousand pounds.
It started off with nightmares last night, waking up constantly, fighting off the thoughts that I've been avoiding for weeks now. Realities that should have come first but instead I was too busy worrying about everything else. I woke up groggy and tired, already beaten down from relieving all of the horrific thoughts I usually don't let enter my mind. All about him.
Sometimes I can't believe it all happened. It seems like some nightmare that I dreamt up, nothing real, nothing permanent. Things would be like they always have the past five years. But every morning I wake up to a reality realizing how much things aren't the same and never will be. I never understood what people meant by a broken heart and it sounds so cheesy...but I understand now.
A piece of you feels missing. You wake up in the morning and your chest hurts. It's tight and clenched, leaving you gasping for air as your stomach condenses and holds. It doesn't feel like heartburn, no it's ten times worse than that. It's the most horrible feeling in the world to have a broken heart.
Realizing he's not here anymore, the one person who's been there for me for everything kills me. It.kills.me. To know that it didn't have to end this way, that I didn't have to lose my best friend, the person who knew me in and out. I didn't have to do this college experience alone; I would have had someone to share all of my triumphs and failures with. Be there for me when I came back to town and hug me when I go away again. I'm angry; so fricken' angry at him for what he's done to me.
The string of lies, the back stab, the betrayal...I hate him for doing this to me and doing this to us and I want to hate him but a part of me just can't because all I can be is sad.
Sad that he's moved on and I guess I have no choice but to,too. But God, I don't want to move on. I want everything to be like it was and I want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright and wipe away my tears just like he always did...but he can't anymore.
Because all I can do is have nightmares of him with another girl, replaying that night over and over again in my mind. What I felt, the hot tears streaming down my face and blurring my vision. The fireworks, bursting into the sky and the ohhs and ahh and myself, looking into the blackness of night wishing I were dead. Over and over and over again. He will never understand. Never know how much he has killed me with all of this. How much hurt and pain and anger he causes me to have that is unforgivable and insurmountable. He will never know or understand what it feels to have this heartbreak. The most potent, earthshaking, painful thing I have ever felt in my life. He will never understand.
I wonder all of the time what I could have done differently. What I could have done to make him want me, not someone else. I find myself wanting to lose weight because he didn't like my body, straighten my hair every day because he didn't like it wavy, and wear tight jeans and name brand clothing because he was embarrassed of what I wore...I keep thinking, maybe if I had done all of these things, I wouldn't be like this. I wouldn't be sitting here, my heart on fire and my lips numb because he would want me. Not someone else. I would change everything about myself. I wouldn't be a feminist, I would like exercising, I would...I would do anything just not to feel all of this.
But then I realize how stupid all of that is and I get angry at myself. Angry that I could want to change so much of myself just for a guy who didn't give a darn about me and still doesn't give me one thought at all. Angry at myself for being so pathetic and wanting him back after everything he did to me and continues to do. Angry that I can't move on, even though I know I need to.
There are thousands of guys here. Thousands and thousands. Many are cute, many are my type. Many are my dream guy. But I don't want them.Ii don't want any of them. I can't look, I can't think, I can't even pretend to be interested because I'm not. All I am is sad and still stuck over a guy who doesn't give one damn about me. Who probably never did and who's moved on and not even thinking about the silly, stupid girl crying over her laptop at 12 at night.
I had a lot of things to say tonight. I thought about them throughout the day, carefully planning out what I was going to say, choking up and letting out tears just thinking about it. Formulating how to express my feelings in an eloquent way that wouldn't come across as desperate and pathetic. But now sitting in my dorm bed with the lights off and the clock ticking...I just rambled and ranted and didn't make any sense and made a fool out of myself and didn't get anything out of this besides a good cry. No words will ever be able to say what I feel and how much I hurt. How much I didn't expect to hurt like this because I was ''a strong woman and would handle this.' But I'm not. I'm sad and I'm heart broken and I don't understand a lot of things right now. Why I think it's okay to voice all of this to 655 people; I don't know and I'm sorry, I just do.
Tonight though I went to a Christian worship meeting on campus. I was really tired, just wanted to sit down and write this post, crying, moping, and eating out of a pint of Ben and Jerry's. But going to this worship service tonight made the tiniest difference in all of this sadness I feel. All with one sentence I sang tonight;
"There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning"
And it rang soundly for me. Because even though today was hard (so, so hard) the next day will be better, and the next day after that even better. Even if I can't see it and it seems to hurt just as much... God will be here to help me with all of this hurt, confusion, and heartbreak I'm going through. And I'm the type of person who wants to deal with things on my own and wallow in my misery, but for once it's nice to have a light at the end of the tunnel to look forward to.
Tonight I may be heavy hearted, but tomorrow is a new day ❤
With much love, Lauren.