Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Life Starts Now.

Lavender 1950's Dress, White Bow Heels, Crystal Necklace: Thrifted.
Vintage Floral Hat: Gift from my lovely blogging friend, Hannah.

Tomorrow is the day I've been waiting for. For years. For months. For weeks. For days. I am leaving for college and starting my new life.

Deciding to go away to college is one of the most courageous decisions I've ever made. Actually, I'd say the most courageous decision. I've lived a safe life with many regrets. I don't take chances, I don't follow my heart, and I settle for less than I deserve. But I'm tired of doing all of these things...

I want to live and be happy. I want to learn all sorts of new things, express my creativity to its maximum potential. I want to make the friends I never got to have and laugh until my stomach hurts- what people always talk about (and I dream of feeling). I want to meet new people, be introduced to different personalities and different lifestyles. I want to be scared, scared out of my mind and feel happiness that I've never thought I could feel. I want to stay out late and go to a party (just to see what it's like). And on the other hand- I want to stay up late all night, studying, just to say I have.

I want to get lost, find my way, and lose myself. And find myself again, of course. I want to discover the things I never knew about myself, and reassure myself in the person I'm becoming. I want to fall in love, forget all about the boy who broke my heart, and find someone who will love me for me, flaws and all. I want to prove to people that they were wrong about me, show them what they never thought I could do and do what I never thought I could do.

I want so, so much...so much it hurts. And I know that I can't find all of these things in this town. I can hardly find any of them. This town will always be my home, my safe place, and where I come to for refuge...but I will never get to experience LIFE here. The life I deserve to live. Not the one crying over a silly boy who was my everything for so many years (and shouldn't have been), not sitting in my house all day, being bored, and certainty not living this life in between the lines like I always have.

I went out to take these pictures today, completely in awe that it would be my last time for awhile. I visited all of my favorite spots...the lake with the lily pads and croaking frogs that reflects the sun in the evening. The quiet, haunting woods where the wind tickles my hair and makes me look behind my shoulder. The dried up ground, risen up with tree roots, and lighting to die for. An old bridge, carved with the names of past and present loves, including my own love which seem like so long ago... I went to each and every spot, taking a picture at each one, soaking in all that I had left. I started crying, totally overwhelmed by what I'm going to go through tomorrow. What it means to start life over.

You wait for something for so long, dreaming about it and wishing for it every day...and when it's finally tangible? It scares you. You didn't think it was going to happen, that it was still light years away...almost happening to someone else.

And in that moment, you just want to go back. Back to the days when he held you as a young teenage girl, back to that first day of high school- looking up to the underclassmen, dreaming of being them, back to the lunch table of people who you never really considered friends but now you realize they were so much more...back to the simple holidays with your family and the late night runs to Mcdonald's and your grandmother clipping your finger nails for you--holding your face in her hands, crying because she's going to miss her first grandchild going off to college. Because all that's gone now and you can't get it back. You only have a blank diary page in front of you, waiting to be filled.

Filled with happiness, tears, fears, anxiousness, disappointments, cloud nines, loves, desperations, exhaustions, confusions, nostalgias, and hopes.

I am scared out of my mind for tomorrow. For this week. For the rest of my life. But I just can't sit by and watch my life pass me by. I want to do something and be someone. I want to reach my dreams, fail at something, then pick myself back up again.


I want to find out who someone like me is and I want to start right now. Because I deserve to. We all do.

With much love, Lauren.

21 comments:

Beautifully Pure said...

I love this post, Lauren. I know everything will go well for you and I'm so happy for you!

P.S The dress looks great without a sweatshirt over it. ;D

Between Sleep and Awake Blog said...

You just put into words what I have been feeling these past few months. I too start my first year of college this year and as I look back at my high school days I wish I would have appreciated moments and people more.People who I didn't think meant anything to me really did. I think most of all I wish I would have taken the time to thank people more, just for the little things. Because some of those little things ended up changing my life in ways they will never know. I truly hope you find everything you are looking for at college and more. Have fun growing and changing, and appreciate those people who will help you do that. Best of luck.

Sara said...

OMG you seriously look GORGEOUS i am so in love with your entire look!

Rachel Emma of Daydream Frenzy said...

Good luck! After being in college for 3 years and going into my LAST year starting next week (eep!), I can honestly say college will be the best thing you will ever experience!

Be sure to put your whole self into it. Get involved, talk to new people, make connections, go to parties, go to class, volunteer, create/find opportunities, and of course- HAVE FUN!

We only get a few years to enjoy this last bit before "real adulthood" starts, so live it up to the fullest! Like you, before I headed off to school 3 years ago my ex-boyf had just broken up with me for some other girl, and I thought the hurt would never subside. But it does. It really does! And then it eventually becomes nothing but a distant memory...

xx

http://daydreamfrenzy.blogspot.com/

Teddi said...

and you will lauren, you will. :)

Rubi Diaz said...

Going off to college is the most courageous thing I did as well and despite how much it hurt to leave all I knew behind, I've grown a lot as a person by leaving my comfort zone. I know you will have a wonderful experience. It's fantastic that you are excited to experience so many new things but always remember your roots. Remember what you stand for and don't let anything or anyone break that stance. I'm excited for you!!!!

God bless you sweetie!

Rubi
lilyamongthornsblog.blogspot.com

Carlee, Almost Endearing said...

You will have the time of your life. It wont always be what you expect but that is why its so great. Enjoy. I can't wait to here all about it.
Carlee

Almost Endearing

aki! said...

I've been looking at the Freshman moving in on campus and I feel so far from them. I hope you have the best time in college!

TaNuja said...

HI lauren :)


I was outta blog since last few days.
In between so many things happened to you. I'm sorry for you got hurt so much :(


But I really wish you have a wonderful life ahead. You look so nice and pretty confident of yourself. :)


Love
Tanuja

http://tanujasethi.blogspot.in/

Lindsey said...

This post sums up how I feel too. One week and one day until I move to university! Ahhh! Beautiful words, beautiful outfit, beautiful pictures...your blog is definitely one of my new favourites. :)

-Lindsey
Et tu, tutu?

Zane said...

you look absolutely stunning, dear

Jamie Rose said...

You're going to have a wonderful adventure at college! I'm sure you'll have many a party opportunity and many nights of staying up all night studying too. You're fantastic and this is going to be such a great opportunity. Leaving home isn't easy, but remember you'll always have visits and holidays and breaks between semesters. It's not goodbye really, just a start to a new part of life. You're going to do great!

misslikey said...

so dreamy and pretty.

inmypocket said...

Aaah! I love that hat! And yes, it is good to go outside our safe zone now and again. To explore, learn, grow and change for the better. All the best!

The Love Hanger said...

I'm so excited for you Lauren!! It's going to be such an adventure, and I can't wait to hear all about it through your blog. :) You look magnificent in that dress. Like a little angel! Good luck tomorrow! <3

toni

Britney said...

This is the most loveliest and inspiring posts! Thankyou so much. And I wish you aaaalll the best at college. You will be spectacular!

Ashley Holloway said...

I love all of the photos! What a wonderful idea to take them in all of your favorite locations! Such a sweet outfit too, it reminds me of the "going away" outfits of the 50s after their wedding or such, so it's quite appropriate! I hope college is all you hope it will be! Studying in my major, studio art, I met all kinds of like minded people that I will never forget. It's a time to do brave things and things you could never imagine yourself being brave enough to do! It's a time of failure and tears as well at times, like all life is, but they'll make you stronger and help you to be the person you want to be! Good luck! I'm looking forward to your very first post from college! And don't be too scared, we'll all be with you in spirit!

Laura said...

You look so lovely dear! This dress is absolutely fabulous!

EEEP! GOOD LUCK! You are going to do so fabulously, I just know it. Just remember not to wait for your life to start: It is already happening! Live it up, girl!

xoxo,
Laura
http://lauraisthriftingthroughlife.blogspot.com/

Sara Sequeira said...

omg, love it so much! u look like a princess :)

stin said...

dear you're soo sweettt :333 you look like a lil princess here <33 yet you're so brave, the decision you take might be risk. but there's a saying: if you obey all the rules,you miss all the fun, isn't it :D
soo i wish you tons of luck, i'm sure you'll do it just fine :))
anw it's quite a coincedence i found your blog,and love it <3 following you now, do pop out at mine if you've time xxxx

justicepirate.com said...

awww I think you'll do a great job. I love how the way you posted these photos, all of them resemble old school scrapbooks!! hehe. I hope your college career is successful. May all you do be for the glory of God.
+Victoria+