Numb.

31 comments
I'm sitting here at my computer screen, unsure of how to say this. My fingers are dead and my brain can't keep up with the night's events even though I play them over and over again in my mind. I'm so numb.

I went to the Blueberry Festival tonight with my family. We were originally supposed to get together with Matt's family instead of last night, but Matt told me a few days ago they couldn't. He didn't say why.

I knew he was going to the festival tonight, so I texted him, asking if we could meet up to say hello. I knew right away something wasn't right. Just by the way he texted me, by what he said. He told me that he was going to be there soon with his guy friend. So I believed him.

I wore a pretty checkerd dress tonight and red lipstick. From a distance I could see the lights on the fair rides, hear the giggles and happiness. It was pitch black, but I walked with my family to the mass of people. The music, and the smell of greasy fair food encircling my nose, enticing my senses.

I saw his friend first, right when we walked into the fair. He wasn't with Matt, but with his girlfriend. I went up to them, asking where Matt was. Matt  had said hewould be with them. They stared at my blankly as I asked them, vehemently claiming that hey hadn't heard from him all night. But I knew that they were keeping something from me. I just felt it. So I left them upset, with my stomach tossing and turning.

I texted him, asking him why he wasn't with his friend. The person he was supposed to arrive with. He told me he was at the festival, looking for him right now. I didn't believe him. I just knew.
Thousands of people were at the fair tonight because there were fireworks. I went to one of the stands, going to ask when the fireworks started when I saw something in the shadows. An outline I could never mistake. My heart pounded violently then stopped all together. There was another outline next to him.

At first, so upset, tears welling up into my eyes, blurring the bright lights around me I started to run away, back to my family, unbelieving of what I saw. But then I got angry. I went up to him, called him an ass hole and told him to F off. That's the first time I've ever said the F word. And I meant it with all my heart.

He trailed after me for a moment, trying to say he just got there...giving me pointless excuse after pointless excuse. He was with the girl he's been texting with for weeks. Who he was texting while we were still dating. And who he lied to me about, saying they were just friends.

Sometimes I don't really know what I expected. I really thought he was a nice guy. That after five years of dating that I deserved a little bit of respect. I was so stupid to think that he cared about me. That he loved me. I don't believe any of that now, he's dead to me. Lying to me countless times, over and over again....when he had so many chances. Hurting me so much more by hiding it instead of just TELLING me. Telling me so I could move on and be okay. Not be still stuck here two weeks after our break up, still expecting to maybe get back together. He sure had me going.

I feel so sick. Sick to my stomach, my body shakes, my mind races, my feet won't walk forward. My mouth dry and tasteless. I guess I have no choice but to move on now. Forget everything that we once were because we're none of that anymore and won't be ever again.

As Taylor Swift would say, 'we are never, ever getting back together.' Ass hole.

With much love, Lauren.
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31 lovely little notes:

ShalidaAnn said...

He's a jerk hun

claire said...

aw lauren i just want to give you a big hug. he doesn't deserve you at all girl! xxx
tresclaire.blogspot.com

Katie Elle said...

I have been in your exact position. Except mine had even said "You know we're getting back together, right?" to me before the huge bombshell that he had cheated on me and was already dating another girl was dropped.

It's so hard to get over it, but trust me, you will. I won't say it wont sting for a long time, because it will, but you will soon move on. Keep in mind that moving on doesn't necessarily mean getting over feelings, it means moving past the ordeal and trying to get back on the horse. You can do it, I promise.

Katie Elle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beautifully Pure said...

Not gonna say a lot because I already texted you, but I'm so sorry! If you want, we can skype tomorrow as well as Wednesday - might cheer you up. We can have tea and cookies and Taylor Swift music. ;) Let me know if you're up for it.

Love you, girl!

Katie Q. said...

Oooooohh, this just really sucks. I feel for you dear, I wish I could give you a hug and a pat on the back, because no one deserves that to happen.
I'm really sorry about this happening. It sounds like it's been so up and down for you these past couple weeks with this break up. I do hope it gets better for you from this point on out.

Fernanda said...

I'm so sorry, Lauren! Some guys are jerks and need to grow up. He should've just been honest with you, it was the fair thing to do. But you know what? You get to move on now, and believe it or not, sometimes it's easier to move on when you're a little angry as well. At least you get to say you were honest, you tried, you cared. That says a lot about who you are as a person; and, believe it or not, you will get over this. There's someone wonderful out there for you, I promise :). Lots of love! xoxoxo

Georgia said...

Oh Lauren, I am so very sorry. Guys can be so deceiving. I would be exactly the same, I don't blame you for what you said to him. You deserve so much better, I'm sure someone else will come into the world soon enough. Someone better, someone like you.

xo

georgexoxo.blogspot.com

Stacey Lou said...

I haven't read your blog for a long time, so I'm not familiar with the time you've invested in this relationship. I know how hurtful it can be to love someone and trust them, then have your heart broken. I was engaged to someone I was with for six years and he cheated on me multiple times. He also had similarly lied to me and tried to cover things up. The hardest thing to do is to be strong, but you have to. Do not blame yourself for anything because you are beautiful, smart and kind. This is his loss. I don't believe the saying should be "When one door closes, another one opens" It should be "One door closed, because another one is open" - This relationship ended because it wasn't the best relationship you could be in, he wasn't the best guy for you, you weren't the happiest you could be. You are meant for better things. I didn't feel like I'd ever move on or see the light during the grieving of my breakup, let alone trying to explain to everyone why we called off the wedding.. It took me a year to open myself up to someone else and they have shined so much brighter than my ex, that they put him in the dark. The six years of my past, don't even show as one second. I promise you that if you believe in yourself that you're stronger and meant for something more, you'll see that open door and the one you're meant for waiting in it.

I wish you the best of luck love, hang in there!

xo Stacey

http://sewseas.blogspot.com

Britney said...

Hey Lauren :). Im sorry to hear that. But in a way its great because now its easier for you to move on. I feel for you though and am sending you a million and one (plus infinity and beyond) virtual hugs and tea and pretty iced cakes :)

Lindsey said...

Good for you, Lauren! Even if it wasn't most eloquently put, at least you stood up for yourself! You are moving on to so many bigger and better things. Leave this jerk in the past where he belongs.

-Lindsey

Anni said...

Oh Lauren i feel very sorry for you.
Say him anything you want to!
He shoult know what you're thinking about him!
He is really an ashole you're so right. And the new girl will also know it soon.

Hugs to you my dear♥

The Love Hanger said...

Ahh, the F word feels good to say, doesn't it? :) Good for you! Good for you for standing up for yourself and for showing him that you will never be waiting around for him ever again. I know it hurts love, but you deserve and will find better! I just know it! Virtual hugs to you!! <3

toni

Lulu said...

aw Lauren, I'm so sorry t hear how he's used your beautiful heart. You say you've dated for 5 years and that he's lied before, maybe this is what you needed to see, to move on from him once and for all? I was once with a guy like that for about 3 years. I was so in love with him that I turned a blind eye to his obvious lies. One day I got proof that he'd cheated on me and I was able to walk away, knowing for sure I was better off without him. Although it hurt like hell. Big big hugs from me and little stevie-pup xxx

Charmaine said...

So sorry to hear this Lauren. I've been there too. Once, a few hours after a relationship ended, the guy hooked up with my friend. Not technically cheating, but just barely. It still felt super dishonest considering they'd been flirting in front of my face for weeks, and probably wouldn't have told me they hooked up had I not seen them from a car early the next morning, walking arm and arm in the same clothes as the night before. I don't know you or the situation fully, but it sounds like a blessing in disguise? You have nothing holding you back now that you are heading off to college. A true fresh start. If a guy is disrespecting you by messaging other girls while still with you, then he wasn't the right guy.

Charmaine x

Leen said...

oh my god! that's terrible. you really deserve a hug. what a jerk!nand good for you for telling him the F-word. just cursing sometimes helps to make you feel better. screaming therapy really works you know.

gigantic hugs for you!

XX

Mila said...

As hard and terribly harsh as it may seem Lauren, that may have been what you needed to help you take another step in getting over him. You can move on now without feeling the least bit sorry for him, and knowing that there is most certainly someone out there for you someday, that will treat you with great respect and never lie to you. This summer was a new start for you, and now you get to start fresh at college as well. Keep your chin up. <3

xoxo

Catherine said...

Lauren, you are so much more then him. You don't need him to complete you! I know it's hard...my best friend is actually going through the same dilemma. You have to stand up and be strong though! I went to a girl's conference yesterday and a speaker talked about "waiting for the steak" - that is, waiting for a MAN that knows how to treat you right with respect and honor. He's just "beef jerky" - acting as an imitator and messing with your heart. You are so much more, Lauren. You are beYOUtiful!

Midwest Muse said...

Aw darling girl, you deserve better. You are better.

The Funky Fashionista said...

Oh my gosh, Lauren! Matt is definitely a jerk and he so doesn't deserve you!! How could he do that to you? You deserve so much better than him and trust me, you will have someone better than him.

Just because you are single right now doesn't mean anything. Just think of it as God being super busy writing you an even better love story.

Oh and Taylor Swift's song, We Are Never, Ever Getting Back Together, is so perfect for your situation right now. I love how you quoted it at the end of your blog post.

If I were you, I would be listening to a lot of Taylor Swift songs right now. I love Better than Revenge!

xoxo
http://thefunkyfashionista.blogspot.com/

Laura said...

Ugh! Boys just SUCK sometimes. I have so been there, hon. I just want to give you a huge hug right now. Just remember that you have college to focus on and that it is going to be SOOOOO awesome.

If you need some more "boys are such jerks" songs check out "Bowling Ball" and "Wishes" from Superchic(k). Those have always helped me out to point where if my mom hears those songs she knows that something happened with a boy.

Message/email if you need someone to vent to. :)

xoxo,
Laura
http://lauraisthriftingthroughlife.blogspot.com

friedenlinde said...

Sweety, I'm so sorry. But you'll see, you'll move on and quickly forget of all the harsh. You and Matt have been friends for more than you can tell, and that's why he's already moved on. You need to move on from this lovestory as well, as it's over, and new times, new things, new friends, new experiences, and a new love are awaiting you. You just need to close this door, both you and Matt deserve to start a new life! You are going to live in a new place, a new town, far away, and time and distance are going to fix everything, you'll see. It's not about he didn't love you. He *did* love you, but now it's over. You are not ready to be friend with him right now, but you need to let him go! And you need to go yourself. To start YOUR new life where Matt is not there at all. I know, it's hard. I've been there, many, many years ago. It's not good to see each other, to text each other. You need to let go what was between you as it doesn't exist any more. Maybe Matt already knew this, and slapped this new situation on your face to let you see. It's not because he is a jerk. I know, mixed feeling are what you feel right now. But everything, everything will pass away, one day, you'll see, sweetheart. I hope you will feel better soon. Sending you lots of hugs.

-frida

Sarah Beckett said...

Sending you a virtual HUG "sqweeze"!
Sarah xx

Charity said...

Every time I read these it just kills me how similar our situations truly are. I just wish I had been as strong as you were and completely blocked him out of my life knowing we couldn't work after how he treated me instead of holding out some strange hope and letting him use me. So I give you tons of congratulations and prayers and hugs. It's difficult but you did the best thing for YOU. I agree with what many people have commented already, he is not for you. Sometimes, a train doesn't stop at your station because it's just not your train.

As I've said before, things will get better, you'll probably really begin to see this once you go off to college.

xx,
Charity
lavenderandpolka-dots.blogspot.com

Taylormarie said...

Oh Lauren, As i read this my heart goes out to you! You are such an amazing woman, you deserve much better than that..and you know it! I'm so sorry you found out that way.. Matt will realize the mistake he made very soon. I hope you find someone so much better in your future. God will give you a man who will be your rock Lauren!
Loveyou,Taylor

HaleyRae said...

Aw, honey I'm so sorry. He deserves better. If there's anything I can do, please let me know.
We all love you to death. xo

A Tablespoon of My Life said...

Dear, Lauren. I don't want to seem like i am trying to get into your personal life. But i have been reading your blog for a long time and now i am at that point where you just kinda feel like you know the person :) in a very non creepy way of course. You are such a wonderful and beautiful individual that i feel you deserve so so much better. These experiences are just unfortunately part of our growing up process. and its solely up to use to take those unfortunate events and let them mold us into better stronger individuals.
My advice to you is to keep busy ( thankfully school is starting back up! ) and take this time to get to know YOU better. god will bless you with an amazing person one day. thankfully he took the wrong person away in time. You will be okay :) i know it hurts now :/ ive been there. but you are a strong, smart, beautiful, and fashionable individual ;) those qualities were not for him but for your true soulmate.

Mandy said...

Lauren, I am so sorry! Guys can just really suck sometimes. I feel like we are going through similar relationship situations at the moment. My ex did this to me, but with my best friend. I was so mad at him and told him that I hated him. It is very upsetting and you deserve to be mad, but it will get better in time. You are such a strong girl, and I have no doubt that your life will get back on track soon and you will find someone who will be good to you. I wish I could help you out. But just know that you are an amazingly beautiful girl. You're going to college soon and will have a great new start :)

Rachael Alsbury @ Frugal Faye said...

Lauren, I am so sorry that happened to you. There are far better men out there. People used to say that to me, but I never knew it until I met my husband, who is an honorable man who is madly in love with me. It is good you found out his true character now, and not five more years down the road. You will meet your prince :)

Maria Elyse said...

Oh, Lauren, I just want to give you a huge hug right now. He doesn't deserve you, and you deserve someone so much better than him. But you know what? I am so incredibly proud of you. You are so strong (seriously) and you will get through this. And one day, you'll meet a guy who will respect you and love you always. <3 Love you, Lauren. <3 {hugs}

xo
Maria Elyse

justicepirate.com said...

That is terrible that he would lead you on, lie to you, sway things, and not make you his priority because YOU are his girl! If he were just friends with this other girl, he wouldn't have hid it from you. That is one of the worst things someone could do to their girlfriend.

Okay, so my husband went back and forth for a while with a couple girls who didn't really know about me being his girlfriend, while they were both his exes but he would tell me about it. This was ages ago now. We've been through many hard times in the past 12.5 years, and one thing is that if your boyfriend realizes what he did was horrible, idiotic, and that he was wrong, and that he would be willing to make a huge change, rid of the girl .. . friends and all, because if she is a friend, he would be willing to NEVER be alone or talk alone to a girl who is not supported or liked by you. That is how it should be. He should be willing to sacrfice things for you. Forgive him if this is something he is willing to do. always forgive. Saying the f word didn't justify your feelings of rejection, ridicule, hurt, etc. It is always wrong and takes self-control. I said the f word once to my husband when I was angry at him and I also never had used it. It was the worst thing I could have done even out of anger. I too did it in public and it showed a horrible witness and it made me feel pathetic and more angry at myself than at him, actually. Anyway, if you can work this out together, do so. It will be worth doing. In relationships there will be hard times. IF people give up instead of working through them each time, it can cause more problems when going into another relationship in the future and making the same mistake with someone new. I love that my husband and I went through many mistakes and got THROUGH them together and now we can look back, feel so much stronger and closer together, and can try to encourage other people to do the same. Please, as someone who DOES understand (my husband made out with both girls behind my back even when we were dating, and I made out with a guy AFTER we were married - this was 7 years ago, we've been married 8 years). . .well we love each other more deeply than ever, trust one another, help stay open about things, and have gone to God for strength and guidance. If he is not willing to do this, then all you can do is pray and work slowly through the emotions. He knows that you have problems and hard times with depression so that makes it very hard, but it always takes two people to make a relationship work no matter the pain. When you get through it together you feel more comfortable and open with one another.

I hyperventilate when I go through things like you have. I cried for weeks and went lethargic. It was awful and I felt like there was no way out but to get out. . .but if i did that it would have caused me to feel deeper hurt that never got dealt with and fixed. communicate. listen. understand. love.

+Victoria+

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