I'm sitting here at my computer screen, unsure of how to say this. My fingers are dead and my brain can't keep up with the night's events even though I play them over and over again in my mind. I'm so numb.
I went to the Blueberry Festival tonight with my family. We were originally supposed to get together with Matt's family instead of last night, but Matt told me a few days ago they couldn't. He didn't say why.
I knew he was going to the festival tonight, so I texted him, asking if we could meet up to say hello. I knew right away something wasn't right. Just by the way he texted me, by what he said. He told me that he was going to be there soon with his guy friend. So I believed him.
I wore a pretty checkerd dress tonight and red lipstick. From a distance I could see the lights on the fair rides, hear the giggles and happiness. It was pitch black, but I walked with my family to the mass of people. The music, and the smell of greasy fair food encircling my nose, enticing my senses.
I saw his friend first, right when we walked into the fair. He wasn't with Matt, but with his girlfriend. I went up to them, asking where Matt was. Matt had said hewould be with them. They stared at my blankly as I asked them, vehemently claiming that hey hadn't heard from him all night. But I knew that they were keeping something from me. I just felt it. So I left them upset, with my stomach tossing and turning.
I texted him, asking him why he wasn't with his friend. The person he was supposed to arrive with. He told me he was at the festival, looking for him right now. I didn't believe him. I just knew.
Thousands of people were at the fair tonight because there were fireworks. I went to one of the stands, going to ask when the fireworks started when I saw something in the shadows. An outline I could never mistake. My heart pounded violently then stopped all together. There was another outline next to him.
At first, so upset, tears welling up into my eyes, blurring the bright lights around me I started to run away, back to my family, unbelieving of what I saw. But then I got angry. I went up to him, called him an ass hole and told him to F off. That's the first time I've ever said the F word. And I meant it with all my heart.
He trailed after me for a moment, trying to say he just got there...giving me pointless excuse after pointless excuse. He was with the girl he's been texting with for weeks. Who he was texting while we were still dating. And who he lied to me about, saying they were just friends.
Sometimes I don't really know what I expected. I really thought he was a nice guy. That after five years of dating that I deserved a little bit of respect. I was so stupid to think that he cared about me. That he loved me. I don't believe any of that now, he's dead to me. Lying to me countless times, over and over again....when he had so many chances. Hurting me so much more by hiding it instead of just TELLING me. Telling me so I could move on and be okay. Not be still stuck here two weeks after our break up, still expecting to maybe get back together. He sure had me going.
I feel so sick. Sick to my stomach, my body shakes, my mind races, my feet won't walk forward. My mouth dry and tasteless. I guess I have no choice but to move on now. Forget everything that we once were because we're none of that anymore and won't be ever again.
As Taylor Swift would say, 'we are never, ever getting back together.' Ass hole.
With much love, Lauren.