I don't know how to start this post. So I'll just say it simply. Today, August 3rd, Matt and I have ended our five year relationship.
It's been a long time coming. Years and years in the making. I think I thought things were going to change. That I would eventually fall in love with him, end up happily, become married one day. I fooled myself into thinking I was happy. That I could deal with this lack luster relationship and be just fine. But I haven't been fine.
Matt and I met when I was thirteen years old. Just a young girl. You all wouldn't recognize her. I had just gotten heart broken by a guy named Ryan who I had a crush on for months and when I confessed how much I liked him, turns out he didn't like me back. I wasn't but a few days later Matt came into my life. AIMing me and telling me I was cute. We started dating. He was my first boyfriend. My first kiss. My first of a lot of things.
I don't know when I fell out of love with him. Or maybe if I ever was in love with him to begin with. All I know is that I knew I didn't feel what I should for him. I knew that this couldn't be the one thing every person in the world pines after, what the movies are made about, what musicians write songs of...if it was, then I would live an unhappy life.
Ever since our almost break up the beginning of June we decided to give things a second chance. To see if maybe we had just become numb to what we had and forgotten how special it was. I think we were both just realyl scared. Scared of living our lives without the person who had been there for five years. Scared of missing a huge piece of life. Scared of every routine being changed (because we are both diagnosed OCD patients). We should have broken up this past June. I knew it, he knew it. But yet we couldn't. Couldn't lose the idea of losing us.
In so many aspects I've been selfish. So selfish I disgust myself. I've hung onto this miserable relationship because I've been too scared. Too scared of being alone. Being without someone. Not having someone to go to prom with. Not having him at my graduation. Not having him celebrate my birthday...I feel like for years I put off breaking things off because there was always some 'event' coming up that I didn't want him not to be apart of. Obviously there's always going to be something we go together to and it was stupid of me to hang onto something dead along time ago. I didn't want the thought of him having anyone but me. Thinking about him wiping another girls tears, kissing her, laughing at her jokes, and just everything...It still makes me stomach wretch and twist and turn thinking about it.
So we've been talking about breaking up for a few weeks. I suppose it was something I thought and somewhat hoped for every day, yet dreaded. It's weird, I can't explain it. When people would ask me if I planned on marrying Matt I would flat out tell them no. When they asked me if I was in love with him, I would flat out tell them no. But when they asked these things I wanted to say yes. Wished I could say yes. But I couldn't.
Our reasons for breaking up are a lot. We're not in love anymore. Not sure if we ever were. We were just two kids for many years. Two young, young kids who had never dated anyone before. I'm going to Kent. He's staying here for school. It's not fair to both of us to be tied down to one another, not giving each other what the other truly deserves. Time, attention, affection. I can't give that to him and hour and a half away and he can't either.
We both deserve the chance at meeting other people. To experience dating. To experience falling in love, getting heart broken, and feeling alive. I think I held on so long for another selfish reason being I didn't want to be hurt. God, I'm so SELFISH. How I could hang on to Matt, not letting him experience and go after everything he should because I'm too scared of getting heart broken...of being sad. I sicken myself.
I want to meet other guys. I want to go on dates. But I don't want to lose him. I don't want him to meet someone and replace me Be all the things I could never be for him.
I'm just in this odd place where I'm excited and sad and hurt and confused and heartbroken. I'm not one clear thing and I just want to scream and cry because I don't want any of this but yet I do.
He wants to still stay friends and I do, too. More than anything on this earth. I never want to lose him. He means too much. But sometimes I don't see how it'll work. How we can just go about being everything we were like normal. Guaranteed I know we've been just best friends, not boyfriend and girlfriend, for the past months, years, god knows how long...and it shouldn't be that hard to keep being that. What we've always been. But it is. How can I keep calling him every night before I go to bed? How can I keep inviting him over to my house, hanging out, eating dinner with my family? How do I face his mother, his family, the people who have loved me for so long...? How to I just hang out and go out to eat with him, like nothing?
How do I tell people when they ask me- 'are you still with Matt?' How do I tell them no?
I've been pretty cool and collective all day since this happened at 2'oclock today. I've kind of just let it all sink in. I haven't cried. Haven't been upset. But now I am. I'm sitting here bawling like a fricken baby, gasping for air because it's over. Whether I want it to be or not, it's over.
The facebook status is changed, this post will soon be published, and I've told my mother. It's all really happening and not some fear or dream anymore.
We both deserve a lot more than we can give each other. I know this is for the best, he knows it's for the best, he's doing it so I can flourish and grow and be the girl I'm meant to be with the guy I'm meant to be with. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Doesn't kill. Doesn't mean it doesn't rip my heart out. Crushing it into a million pieces.
I know I'm nothing special. That millions of people have gone through a break up. Ten times worse then this. Divorces of spouses they've known for ten, twenty, thirty years...not a five year relationship of two teenagers. It's not really messy, we don't hate each other,wish the best for each other, and there's nothing dramatic involved. It's just two people who aren't meant to be together and realize that.
I hope one day I can be happy again. I hope that Kent makes me happy. It's my last chance. This was the one thing that I hung on to for so long because it was the only thing that made me somewhat happy. Now that it's gone, what do I have...? I need college to be my chance at happiness.
And if you're reading this Matthew? Just know that I love you. I love you so, so much it hurts my heart. You're used to me being dramatic, but I've never meant anything more than I mean this. You will forever and always mean so much to me. I love you more than words can explain, more than you'll ever know or understand. You are an incredible human, an incredible friend, and I am so happy you've been apart of my life for so long and hope you never stop. I'm sorry for everything, every little thing. I want so much for you and know it's what I can't give. I have nothing left to say other than, I love you. Always have, always will.
With much love, Lauren.
