Sunflower Dress, Gold Drop Earrings: Thrifted.
Black Black Blazer: Forever21.
Riding Boots: Old Navy.
I've been thinking about my depression lately and how it's affected my life. I'm not depressed anymore, but now I'm at a place where I can look back with clearer eyes on this post.
It's hard for me to believe I thought about killing myself. Of course, I would have never gone through with it but it's scary to see from a safe place now how troubled I was. Dealing with OCD was a whole different ball game and depression was one much different, much harder to pinpoint and squash than my OCD.
Often times I stigmatize myself as a crazy person because I suffer from these mental disorders. I wonder and ponder how anyone could want such a twisted, dark person as myself. A girl who thought about suicide, a girl who is sad most of the time, a girl who's worst fear in the world is something as simple as throwing up. Sometimes I can't even stand myself and the way I am. I wish I were different. I wish I could change things. I wish I wasn't, well....crazy.
But a friend showed me this site a few weeks ago called Bring Change 2 Mind. It's a support site for people who suffer from all sorts of mental disorders; OCD, Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, and many more. And I found so much refuge in it because it made me feel not so crazy, not to alone in all this like I often feel. I know so many people out there suffer from mental disorders but often, it can seem like you're the only one going through the darkness.
It took me awhile to not be ashamed of my OCD, and it's going to take me awhile to not be ashamed of my depression. I think all the time how different and better (?) my life would be if I didn't have these diseases. The people I wouldn't have scared away, the things I could have done, the feelings I didn't have to feel. But I've slowly been coming to terms with this depression and how it makes me who I am and what I am.
It makes me a strong individual who's been through a lot and can appreciate happiness so much more. It's made me realize that the people who have stayed in my life and supported me with my depression are the ones worth sticking to. And the feelings I've felt...? They've helped me develop into this girl who I'm actually proud to know and I've gotten to know her better.
Don't be ashamed of your illness. Whether it's mental or physical. You're not crazy, you're not weak. You're just you; and that's enough.
With much love, Lauren.
