SomeoneLikeYou Monday, October 15, 2012
Teal Collar Blouse, Nude Oxfords: Forever21.
Lavender Cardigan, Straw Hat: thrifted.
Cream Ballerina Skirt: c/o OASAP.
I am back in Kent. College sweet college. It was an awful, sickening weekend and I have never been so happy to be back in my home here. I feel like as soon as I stepped into my old town on Friday a dark cloud formed over my head. Not only because of the situation I'm currently in, but just that I really do hate my home town. I was reading back through some of my diary entries from my senior year the other day and I feel so bad for myself. I would constantly write about getting away, getting out from it all, and starting a new life. Being back in Mansfield for the weekend I realized why my younger self wrote so vehemently about leaving. I feel a safeness and ease here and Kent that I never felt before. My old town is filled with sadness, bitterness, closed minds, no freedom of expression, and just judgements. It holds me back and strangles me, leaving me so sad and lifeless. I don't know why it does it, why Kent makes me so happy, but these things just happen. Looking forward to NOT going back for another month until Thanksgiving break. I have a place where I belong and makes me happy right here ♥
This past weekend and especially Saturday made me realize I need a lot of help. I've had friendships end similarly out of the blue, cold turkey before and neither were as heart breaking to get over. I wonder sometimes if I am at the point of progress I need to be, and seeing myself and how I was this weekend made me realize I am certainty not. I have felt crazy these past two months. Literally, mentally crazy and I feel so bad for the people who have to deal with me. Like they have to walk on egg shells and constantly be in fear of hurting my fragile mind and body. I feel terrible for worrying them and frankly, quite embarrassed. Really embarrassed actually. I don't want to be like this. I wish I could move on quickly like he did but I'm realizing that's not the case with me. I want it, I strive for it, but I know that my abilities aren't the things holding me back.
It's my mind. The chemical imbalance and the mental illnesses I fight them, even on medication. A person can only do so much to the point where some things can't be helped and I certainty feel like my mental illnesses are getting in the way of recovery. My mental illnesses, gosh...it makes me so angry to have to type those two words. It makes me so angry that I have to work three times as hard as everyone else just to be happy and normal and be...sane. I'm not to the point of suicidal thoughts like I was this past summer, but I can feel the the dark pathway slowly creeping up to me and reaching its vines around my mind. I don't want to be in that place I was this past summer. It was terrible and I'm better than those thoughts. That's why I've decided to start going to see the on campus counselor to perhaps help me deal with these road blocks my mind isn't letting me get past.
I can say that I am the happiest I've ever been here. Everything I want in life is present at Kent and all my wishes are being satisfied. The one thing that keeps me from happiness though is this situation I'm in and all of this pain I'm going through. Even though I'm not thrilled at have to go to counseling again (I've been in and out since I was 12) I think it's a necessary step to get me going in the right direction, not fall back on dangerous thoughts, and to know I am healing properly on my on accord. I've never gone through a break up, and really no traumatic experience before, so I don't really know what is right or wrong...but maybe with some help of a counselor and, as always, God, I can find that complete happiness I've always longed for and am so close to having.
Thank you for all of your thoughts, prayers, messages, and comments this past weekend and always. You all are so incredible and thank you for putting up with this 'crazy' girl.
With much love, Lauren.