I Hate Everything You've Become.

13 comments
Houndstooth Mini Skirt, Black Bow Blouse, Pearl Earrings: Thrifted.
Black and White Flats: Charlotte Russe.

"I hate you," I hissed out of my mouth. The words hardly audible over my tear soaked sobs, my breath hitching and coming out strained. It was starting to get cooler outside and the bugs were biting. The concrete I sat on was cold.

"You don't hate me, you hate what I've done,'" he defiantly said to me, always eager to clear his name. His blue green eyes held my gaze harshly, demanding I believe him. The once soft eyes I loved to gaze into were cold as ice.

I sat there battling with myself, contemplating if I really hated him or if like he said, I had hated what he'd done to me. My mind raced back to the events of the last few weeks. Every moment, every feeling, every sight, taste, touch, sound. I was weak and under his blazing glance I said defeated, "You're right- I don't hate you. I just hate what you've done."

----
It's been almost a month since I've talked to him last. Every morning when I open my eyes the first thing I do is calculate. I calculate how long it's been since we broke up, since he started dating her, since I've talked to him last. I have it down to the day. Everything is a calculation anymore. A cold and unfeeling calculation; just like him.

I'm out of the sad, 'pity party me' stage. I'm out of the 'what is wrong with me' stage. I'm out of the wanting him back and the misery stages, crying on the floor with my makeup everywhere. All of these have been replaced with anger. An anger so fiery and full of flame it surprises myself most days. Although the feelings first listed haven't all completely gone away yet, some still do lapse over each other from time to time, but my main feeling anymore is pure anger. One I've never felt before.

Yeah, I'm angry for what he's done to me; you all don't even know the half of it. But more than any anger I have against him of what he's done to me I have an anger for what he's done to himself. He's unrecognizable. I see not one single ounce of the person I once knew. He's a selfish, conceited, a hole to say the very least. I don't know where he went wrong, why he changed, or even when he changed. But the day where I asked him, "you lose me or stay with her," and he picked her over me I knew that he wasn't the same person I've known for five years. The one I knew wouldn't have ever done that.

From things I hear about him all I can feel is anger and disappointment in the person he has become. It angers me to the core of my body, so much that I shake with rage whenever I talk about it. The tears aren't sad anymore- they're furious. I think maybe sometimes I could have stopped all of it. That it was something I did to make him like this. And then sometimes I think that maybe this was who he was all along; that the bright and beautiful boy I once knew was all a lie.

All I know now is that he is dead. I mourn the person I once knew and in my opinion, is never coming back. It's been hard to give up on him. It's one thing to give up on a relationship, but another to give up to your best friend. But when they do everything you never thought they would do, turn into everything you hoped they would never be...there comes a point for your own health that you have to let go and give up on a person because you have to move on with your life. You can't sit there wishing every single day that he would change, that things will get better, that someday he'll come back to you. Because honestly, I can't believe any of that anymore. Things are beyond repair.

---
"I hate you," I hissed out of my mouth. The words hardly audible over my tear soaked sobs, my breath hitching and coming out strained. It was starting to get cooler outside and the bugs were biting. The concrete I sat on was cold.

"You don't hate me, you hate what I've done,'" he defiantly said to me. His eyes blue green with hints of yellow, the most spectacular eyes I've ever seen, held my gaze harshly, demanding I believe him. The once soft eyes I loved to gaze into were cold as stone.

I sat there battling with myself, contemplating if I really hated him or if like he said, I had hated what he'd done. My mind raced back to the events of the last few weeks. Every moment, every feeling, every sight, taste, touch, sound. I was weak and under his blazing glance I said defeated, "You're right-I don't hate you. I just hate what you've done."

But if I had to go back in time, this is what I would say instead.

"No, I don't hate you. I hate everything you've become."

I hate everything you've become.

With much love, Lauren.
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13 lovely little notes:

Jeannee said...

Every time I read your writings, my dear Lauren, I can see several seeds growing: of maturity; of writing skills; of being able, through your writing, to use your excruciatingly painful experience to be able to reach out and touch others who are going through the same thing(to be very honest,when I read things like this here,I tell myself,"Jean, this is a Melody Beattie before she became THE NAME, and yes this girl is worth following for her writing ALONE!") And then there are the clothes ... each & every time I see something that I say,"This is my absolute favorite OOTD!" - well, that goes down the drain, doesn't it;) lol! I LOVE THIS OOTD!!! and dare I say, this is my new favorite OOTD :) Stay Lauren, and please, please, stay writing: the world needs the damage intervention you can give them, dear one!

Shelby said...

Hello! I just happened to stumble upon your blog, and I can't explain how grateful I am that I did. This post is just perfect. It really is. I just went through something extremely similar. Losing someone I loved more than anything. Looking back and realizing I hate everything they had become. It sucks. It sucks even more that all you can think about are the good times, even though they turned out to be such a dreadful person. It has been five months now, and I am finally ok. I see now how much happier I am without him in my life. I still think about him, and wonder how things would have been if he hadn't betrayed me the way he did, but I know things happened the way they did for a reason. It made me stronger. I have found myself because of what he put me through. I have figured out for myself what I really want in life, and what is really important to me. I don't regret the three years we spent together, but I know that I am soo much better off. Take this time to grow, to forgive, and to start over. Sorry for the lengthy message. I am glad I stumbled upon your blog.

Anonymous said...

your writing is just...ah! awesome!! the words in this post are so strong and full of feelings that i just don't know how to react. indeed, i feel sad for your situation and i know you don't want to hear that from me, but i really wish you can get pass over it.you have a new path to walk on and your life is starting to be as beautiful as you wanted, with all your wishes coming true. be strong sweetheart! just don't give up. it's not the end of the world, just the begining...<3
oh, the last phrase you wrote was wonderful! it let me thinking.
i hope you had better days than these! good night C:

Et tu, tutu? said...

You look lovely, and I love how you've taken your anger and channeled it into beautiful, poignant writing!

-Lindsey

Sara said...

You should be an author, your writing is so advanced! and i got a houndstooth skirt from forever21 the other day! i scored it for only $3! you styled it so well :)

http://sarassweetstyle.blogspot.com/

Felicia Gradowski said...

Lauren, I completely know how you feel. Pretty much the same thing happened to me with my last ex. It was terrible. And all I could think was why her? Am I not better than her? He tried to hide her from me, but I knew she was why he had grown so cold and distant. And then I found out that their first date happened before we had broken up. Your feelings, your situation, it's all too familiar to me. It does get better. I promise you that. It's been over a year for me. I still hate who my ex is, but I am much happier. His cheating led me to the man that I am sure to spend my life with. I hope that this same good fortune happens for you. Stay strong girl.

Carlee, Almost Endearing said...

Your posts are so meaningful and like everyone else said your writing is beautiful. Today it is sad but still beautiful. I would be angry too. Don't hold it in, you have the right to be angry at him!! On another note you look lovely.
Carlee
Almost Endearing

The Love Hanger said...

You're on to the next stage! You've probably heard about the stages of grief and it's something that I liked when I grieved the deaths of my sister and father because it gave me that tiny hope that one day I would be okay with it all. It wasn't a time table of what stage I should be in at what time, but it was nice to be able to quantify my feelings in a way that others could understand. So good for you for making your way through the grief. :)

I absolutely adore your houndstooth skirt! And I'm sorry that creeper guy creeped you out! <3

toni

Anonymous said...

Aww Lauren. I've been in the exact same situation recently. It's hard. Just remember you beautiful you are and how strong you can be.

Prove him wrong!

Kezzie said...

I think I found hardest, when my boyfriend broke up with me was that he found someone else so quickly- someone who he had become good friends with before we'd broken up. I remember at his wedding, the doctor, a friend of theirs who sang in the same choir where they met, at whose table I sat said, 'They really clicked and just gravitated towards each other when they met in the choir'. As you know, I had to work really hard to stay friends with him and be at his wedding, (and we are still friends) but I do remember going to the bathroom to have a cry when I heard that- it felt like he'd lined her up. Even though I knew it wasn't like that, I felt such sadness at that moment, even though I thought I was over him, it had been 2 years after all. But it must be so hard right now, I can understand your frustration since at least my boyfriend hadn't changed xx

Laura said...

"In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it." - C.S. Lewis.

I might have actually got this quote off of one your old posts, but I thought you would appreciate anyway. Keep on fighting, hon!

That skirt is quite adorable, dear!

xoxo,
Laura
http://lauraisthriftingthroughlife.blogspot.com/

Birdie wears a tie said...

wow. I cannot tell how beautiful this is.

birdiewearsatie.blogspot.com

Olivia said...

This is a stunning outfit!
-Olivia. xx

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