SomeoneLikeYou Friday, January 4, 2013
Navy Sweater, Hair Bow, Tapestry Purse: Thrifted.
Bow Belt: Forever21.
Loafers: c/o Pink and Pepper.
I've thought about what I've wanted to say for the past few days. Typing then untyping. Typing then untyping. Nothing ever seems right. The right way to say this. There really isn't a right way to say it I suppose. No words will ever comprehend.
My New Year's Resolution was to forgive Matt and I meant that. I knew the first step I wanted to take was to contact him; something I hadn't done in four months. I got up the courage to text him on New Year's Day, my hands shaking and my mind racing. This was the moment I had thought about every single day for months. I wanted to get together before I left back for Kent. I wanted to talk.
And he tells me he's engaged.
Just the night before. The boy I was just dating five months ago is engaged. I felt like I had been hit by a train in every sense of the phrase. The world spun around me and I felt like I was going to be sick. The tears wouldn't come, instead it was all I could do to even keep standing. He is engaged.
I ran to my mom, everything feeling like a nightmare, the one thing I could have never expected yet it was my worst fear. I collapsed into her arms and sobbed with every ounce of my body, a sob I haven't done in months. I gasped for air and screamed over and over again, "no, no, no..." But it's all real.
No one can comprehend what I feel for this boy. It's the kind of love without being in love that you have for your best friends. Expect mine wasn't a girl, he's a boy. He was my pretty much my only friend for five years. My best friend, the one who knows me better than anyone on this earth. The one I shared so much with and it has killed me to be away from for four months. I would do anything for him. Anything to protect him, to not see him get hurt and ruin his life. Anything.
I don't hurt for me but more for him. That he's making the biggest mistake of his life and I just get to sit by and watch him crash and burn. Do you know how hard that is to watch the one you love destroy themself? It's like watching your best friend stick a needle of heroin into their arm and not stopping it. I don't care if I have to take all the pain in the world; I would take it all for him just not to do this to himself.
I've done a complete 360 degrees right back to the beginning of college. It's hard to eat because my stomach churns so much with absolute hurt and I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking. Just when I was better, just when I was ready to accept and forgive and begin again I get completely slapped down even harder than before.
This post isn't about hating him. It's not about bashing him and encouraging you all to call him a %$#@*&! in the comments (please don't, it will be deleted). It's about you all knowing why I might be feeling upset or down. Because you've helped get me through the first five months of heart break and I am forever appreciative and it felt wrong to hide this because it's such a piece of monumental news in my life I will never, ever forget.
Love the people in your life while you can. How they are, how everything is. I wish he would know, I wish I could show him how much love I have for him. That he could comprehend...don't make the same mistakes I did and not show it enough and take advantage of it before it's too late. Because someday, you may just have to keep the people you love in your heart and not in your life.
With much love, Lauren.