SomeoneLikeYou Wednesday, February 27, 2013
I am by no means a bad person. But sometimes I really don't feel like I'm that good of a person. The thought has especially been bothering me as of late. I can't get out of my head all of the things I do wrong- whether it be living my life, my interactions with people, or even running this blog. I'm not really talking about 'not being good enough.' I'm talking about being a bad person in general.
I wonder if people look at me and judge me as a good or bad person. Most people would like to say that others would see them as a good person, and I would hope I could say the same thing. But I feel like if people really knew me,got a chance to be inside my head, they'd realize that I'm not that great. I'm not great at all in the slightest bit. I don't even think I'm okay. That I can be really gossipy, quick to judge personalities (and appearances), too emotional for my own good, unintentionally manipulative, lazy when it comes to social interactions. I am controlling and bring up the past too much. Easily give up and hold onto grudges far too long. I am vindictive, vengeful, and ill tempered. And all of this makes me so upset because it's so much to change and I don't even know where to start or how to start to change any of it.
At the end of my life, I want to feel like I was a good person. That what I said was what I meant to people. That didn't break promises. That I loved people with every ounce of my heart and didn't take advantage of them- ever, for any reason. I know as a human I am made to be imperfect and it's not the imperfections I want to fix. It's my wrongdoings and bad traits that I wish I could take an eraser and remove from my soul, heart, and mind.
For whatever reason, this has really been bothering me lately. I felt compelled to write about it. I feel like I write about the same feelings and thoughts over and over again, but this was a new and different feeling. It feels good to let it out.
I hope I can start being a better person.
With much love, Lauren.