SomeoneLikeYou Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Mint Dress: Delia's.
Mint Blouse, T-Strap Heels, Necklace: Thrifted.
Today is the day I am finally set free. My heart, it's so happy it could burst. It's filled with excitement, anticipation, love. It's whole now and able to do all of the things it couldn't before because of such darkness. A darkness that sucked me in and out, back and forth, round and round. Never ending. It's done. It's gone. It's over with.
I got the news today that set me free. A half a year ago I would have been crippled, in so much emotional pain to receive this news. A few months ago it would have had me on my knees in desperation, desolation, and depression. But today it didn't do any of those things. This news set me free. I wanted to cry from happiness and relief when I heard and at that moment, it was like a string was cut. A string was cut and all of the baggage from several months was lifted and carried away. Just like that.
I've had a really rough past half a year. Probably the most emotionally exhausting of my whole life. Things I never thought would happen, never end up like this, did in fact happen. Did in fact end up like this. I held on so long to something that's been gone for more than a year. I had this obsession of making everything better, the way it was, and stopping what I knew was the most horrible thing I could think of happen to something I loved. I took it upon myself when it wasn't mine to take upon, but I couldn't let go. I don't know how many people told me to move on, let things happen, to let someone else handle it. I couldn't help myself to do everything in my absolute power to save this.
My whole life circled around it. My dreams. My thoughts. My journal. My conversations. My blog. I thought of every possible solution I could try and I tried every single one of them. The solutions were far fetched, ridiculous, and detrimental to myself. But I didn't care. If I could stop everything, help, then it would all be worth it.
But as time went on, I realized that no matter what I did, it didn't matter. I started seeing things for what they really were instead of what I thought they were or what they used to be. I took blow after blow after blow. Was led in and out and all about time again and was crushed so many times I can't even remember. Each time though brought me closer to free. I could feel it coming, I could feel it making sense.
I prayed that He would set me free. From all of the suffering I've had to go through. He anwsered my prayer today and gave me a new heart. It doesn't hold the resentment, anger, frustration, hurt, vengeance that it has these past few months. All is forgiven. I've done a lot of wrong myself with what I wrote about and how I wrote things. My words would come from vengeance and hate and ashamed, wishing I could take it all back. But all of that is wiped clean. In my heart I don't feel all of that anymore. I don't feel bogged down by all of the pain.
I wouldn't take any of what I did back. I wouldn't change the way I did things, wouldn't change how much I cared, tried, or loved. Because if I had just listened to other people, I would have never found out for myself. I would have never learned so much about what I deserve and what I don't deserve. What is love and what love isn't.
I only feel free and so excited for what the future holds. Every second of it, every day. It's going to be beautiful and I'm so thankful that this dark period I was in for so long is over with. I have friends to go back to. I'm so excited! They're everything I could have asked for. I love my school, I love my major and I'm looking forward to continuing it next fall. I have studying a semester in Italy in the works for my junior year which sends me over the moon. I went job hunting today and it went better than expected and I have my fingers crossed that I can get a retail job. My family loves me unconditionally, is always there for me. And I have this blog. This little, tiny blog that gives me hope for my future and my writing and my growing personal style. I have over 850 people who are there for me, without ever having met me, who give me the most incredible advice, comfort, and love.
I am so proud to say; I am free.
With much love, Lauren.