Almost 20.

17 comments
Lace Blouse, Pink Blazer: Thrifted.
Floral Shorts: Forever21.
Oxfords: c/o Lulu*s.
Ring: Giveaway win.
Lipstick in MAC's 'Speed Dial.'

I am really scared to turn 20. I have one more day of being 19 and then on August 1st I'll enter a new decade of my life.

There's a lot of things about turning 20 that scare me. I wasn't scared to turn 16, 17, 18, or even 19. I welcomed those years and can still remember all of those birthdays from the past few years I've had this blog. But 20 is an age I guess I never imagined myself at. You look forward to the year you drive, the year you're legal, the last year of being a teen...but I never pictured myself at 20 and what I would be like. It just kind of snuck up on me like, "hey Lauren! You're going to be in your TWENTIES now." Like....what? My twenties? That's a category I don't feel like I fit in. I'm not ready to have a stable job and graduate college and get married and have kids and all of the other 'biggest life changes' that come in your twenties. To think that I'm even lumped in that category scares the living daylights out of me.

Just thinking about all that happening to ME in the next few years. That in this next decade I will probably go through all of the above and it's a lot to take in. I feel so young and inexperienced still. I remember a few years back saying to an anonymous commenter, "you're really going to pick on a little teenage girl?" That was back when I was 16. To think I'm no longer a little teenage girl but a woman (?) is insane to me. 

I know 20 isn't old at all. It's so young and a lot of you are probably rolling your eyes at me now but it just feels so old to me. To think that I am approximately 1/4 done with my life just....I don't know. Shocks me? How can I be so far into my life already and not feel like I've even really lived or seen anything or learned anything? Getting older gives me even more of the realization that I am aging, decaying, and dying each day. A thought none of us wants to think about, but it always is in the back of my mind every birthday as I think what turning a year older means. 

I just feel I have nothing figured out to be turning 20. I'm scared for what the next year,five years, and ten years will bring. I don't like uncertainty and when you're in your teen years--you know what will be happening. You'll go through junior high then high school and live at home with your parents then graduate...it's all planned out for you. But when you enter your twenties--it's all up to you. Everyone takes different paths and goes different routes. It's worrisome to think what route I will take.

Thursday will come whether I like it or not. I'm going to try to shake all of these thoughts and enjoy my birthday. I've never been one to like attention so birthdays are always pretty awkward for me, but I'm hoping to have a low key day of thrifting, coffee, my favorite meal, and cake in the evening. With a side of turning 20 ♥

With much love, Lauren.
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17 lovely little notes:

Katie said...

One thing to remember is that a lot of our expectations for our life timeline are informed by generations that lived and worked to a different rhythm - I know that my 27th birthday this year was a rough one in my mind, because I kept thinking that my mother had two kids by now and I had none. But I'm also not ready to have two kids by now! I'm still figuring out how we're going to have the first one!

Life is never about having the answers, it's just about living. Going out of your teens into your twenties is scary! But don't listen to all those articles and lists and such that tell you what you're supposed to have done by when. Just live your life! You know what you love. You'll change a lot, but everyone changes all the time. Nobody should ever stagnate, and there is nothing scary about changing you are over time. You probably hardly recognize that 16 year old girl in your old blog entries ;) and it's something to embrace!

Try to remember that expectations are just ideas, and you might have your own that work a little differently from what it feels like everybody else is doing. What is most important is that you don't just trudge through to next year, but that you really live it.

I think you should make the year of being 20 your Year of New Things. You talk about feeling like you've experienced so little - well, make a promise to yourself to change that! Do new things. Experience new parts of life. It will help 20 feel like an awesome time and not just one more tick-mark on the calendar. Make 20 count, and you'll take all that fear away from the number.

Just some random rambly thoughts for you. I think you'll rock 20 out just fine. :)

Maria said...

Gosh, I'm 29 and you made me feel old! Lol, I'm fearing turning 30 because like you said, when you're in your twenties you're expected to have certain things figured out. I had (or at least that's what I thought) everything figured out by my early 20's. Then my life changed completely. I ended up going back to school to become a lawyer, my marriage didn't work out, and I'm about to quit my very stable job to focus 100% on law school. It's been a scary ride! But you know what? I don't regret it one bit. Life changes and, in my case, it's for the better. I'm looking forward to my 30's when I will be doing what I love and not feel like I'm being controlled by the world around me. I hated my teens because I didn't have control over where my life was going. So think of all the positives of being in your 20's. There's a certain freedom to it. It's liberating to be able to choose your path and to have financial independence (careful on this one!), and to be able to take some of those big steps. But only if YOU decide to take those steps. That's the best part of it. If you're not ready in your 20's, don't rush! Age is just a number, so take your time. Live your life and when you're ready, all those big changes will be welcomed. Happy early birthday, Lauren!

Rebekah Bradford said...

Hope you have a wonderful birthday :) I know I did not want to turn 20 at all! I was so set on staying in my teens as long as I could! But, obviously, that didn't really work out. I do find it weird, now that I think of it, that I am in my twenties...

Anonymous said...

Geez I wish I could be 20 again. Youre still so young, not even old enough to drink yet! Dont worry bout getting married or having children in your 20s...I mean unless you feel ready. I feel more women are waiting till they're in their 30s even 40s for all that. I think being in your 20s is about finding yourself and exploring the world (as much as your financial situation will let you anyway). To me, once you get married and have kids, most of your life will be bout that, so might as well have fun and cherish your 20s..it goes by so fast! I'm 31 and married (no kids...yet), and have been reading your blog which I enjoy, specially seeing your outfits. Anyway, don't dread your 20s, make the most of it!
Marie in AZ

Blythe said...

These pictures are so beautiful! I love your outfit. I completely relate to how you're feeling, I'm scared to turn 20 too. I hope you have a great birthday though :)

Kezzie said...

I can identify with these feelings! I am now 32 and I still think I am 12! As I walked along the long road that leads towards my church after visiting a family friend this morning, I felt so young and sad about the changes that are going to take place in the next 2 weeks for me (my wedding is in 9 days!). I am so excited about marrying CBC and yet I feel sad about moving from my home, from still feeling like a little girl even though I am supposedly a woman. I wondered if I would look at everything with different eyes, that fragile girlish bittersweet feeling and not experiencing it again. Let's say a prayer for each other and these feelings we have about times moving on!xx

Amia said...

I totally get the fear factor, I'm 23 and I'm still worried about all the changes and how everything feels like it's happening so quickly! Just go with it, you'll be fine, and have a great birthday! Just think of it as a new fresh chapter of life :)
Amia
www.teapotsandbelles.blogspot.com

Laura said...

U know that turning another year old, especially when you hit that age when you are no longer a teenager can be absolutely terrifying. When I saw your post, I actually went back to my post when I turned 20. And I did say how weird it was because 20 just feels a lot older than 19. You just think, twenty. I'm twenty? How is that possible?

But, it is an easier adjustment I think, especially when your peers are going through the same things. And this is the time where you do to start to grow-up even more! I know that it may not feel like you are, but you really do! When I looked at my 20th birthday post, I look like a completely different person - and I think about all the difference that happened in my life and it is A LOT.

Don't worry. Age is only a number. And you don't need to do all of those things in your twenties either - marriage and kids especially can wait if you want it to. Don't put so pressure on what you need to accomplish in your twenties; just do what you feel led to do. Have a wonderful birthday and make each day of this coming year wonderful, because there are such exciting things ahead! :)

xoxo,
Laura
http://lauraisthriftingthroughlife.blogspot.com/

Kailey said...

Oh dear, this post made me cry...! I will be turning 20 late this year and your words really hit close to home.

I'm afraid I don't have anything very helpful to say, but if you ever want to chat with somebody who feels similarly, I would be happy to listen <3

Oh, and you look divine in this outfit - those shorts were made for you!

xo

Hannah Gottlieb-Graham said...

Aww, you are going to be an absolutely lovely 20-year-old, don't you worry!! Just think... you'll never have to worry about teen pregnancy!! Haha just kidding- but for real, just relax and enjoy your birthday, and celebrate it with your loved ones like you normally would. It will be a great day!!

Xo, Hannah

sweetsweetnoir.net

Louisejoyb said...

I must admit - turning 20 didn't feel at all different, in fact more often than not I even forget my own age! It's not something to fear, it's something to embrace. Change is always for the better if you shape it that way - exciting things are heading your way! Just know that there's no rush for anything, you're only as old as you feel at heart x

The Little Things

Amy McLarty said...

I know it's easier said than done, but try not to worry. I'll be 25 on August 17, and it STILL feels weird being an adult. And that's okay! You don't have to have it all figured out just because you're no longer a teenager. You have plenty of time, and God is way bigger than our worries, and He already has it all figured out for you. You just have to wait for Him to reveal it in His time!

Love, Amy

Anonymous said...

Hi Lauren,
I've never commented on your posts but I've been reading your blog for some time now. I'm not much of a blog reader, and not super into fashion, but something about the realness of your blog keeps bringing me back. I just turned 21 and remember feeling exactly how you feel a year ago, when I turned 20. It's a scary thing, to leave behind a childhood! I still worry about my future - what I'm going to do with my life once I graduate college and suddenly all structure falls away. I'm not going to tell you that your worries are silly and unfounded because they're most definitely not! I just want you to know there are people who feel the exact same way. Best of luck to you!

Honey P said...

Don't be scared, the best is yet to come. You won't even notice it, but you must appreciate it, cuz it flies fast(time I mean), so better spend it the best way - your way :)

http://la-foienvous.blogspot.com/

Lauren said...

Lauren, I hope you have a wonderful birthday!
Not only do I have the same name as you, but I just turned 20 last week! I like thinking about a shiny new decade right there ahead of me where I can do what I want and accomplish some cool things!
Don't worry too much. I know you are going to have an awesome new decade! <3
-Lauren

Ester Durães said...

haha I am 20 so I totally understand your fears, I felt the exact same way when I said goodby to my sweet 90, it's so sad to say goodbye to your teen years! I guess it's just the whole feeling of growing up that is pretty scary!
by the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
-
Ester @ Drawing Dreaming

Emily, Ruby Slipper Journeys said...

Happy belated birthday! I remember turning 20 and thinking "Oh god, I haven't accomplished anything yet." A few years later I realized that that was ridiculous and that NOBODY has accomplished much at the age of 20 (except some people who peak really early).

Anyway, all those things you mentioned are not things that you HAVE to do in your 20s, they're things that you CAN do. I'm turning 30 in a few months, and haven't done half of those things, but I know they'll happen in the next few years and I'm so happy and content. That's a bit of a tangent but I suppose the main point is... 20 isn't the end of the road. It's the beginning of a time of major excitement and potentially, major happiness.

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