Lavander Skater Dress (on sale!): c/o UsTrendy.
Basket Purse, Vintage Ferragamos: Thrifted.
Camel Beret: AA.
Lipstick in Revlon's 'Primrose.'
I've had this thought on my mind for awhile lately, pondering it and just kind of trying to figure things out. I'm 19, nearly 20 years old. I have a completely free summer to do whatever I please with who ever I want. I've been single for almost a year now.
But I don't want to date.
The idea sends shivers down my back and makes my heart feel heavy. What 19 year old girl has absolutely no desire to date? To have fun and meet new people and just live a little? I don't know, I guess just me. I find it strange that the idea repulses me, that it wouldn't matter if the man of my dreams walked into my regular coffee shop and asked me out. I just wouldn't want to.
I've tried to figure out why I feel like this and I really don't know. Sometimes I think it's the fact that I don't trust any guy after what happened to me. No matter how good of a guy, I just can't learn to completely trust again. Another thing I think is I just don't want to go through all of that again. It was the most heart wrenching, painful, slow improving thing to go through to get over someone. For me, no amount of happy times will ever be worth that again. I don't think I could survive another time around.
It's frustrating because I don't know why I can't be like everyone else and just jump back into the dating game. Other people get over things in a blink of an eye, starting to get close to someone almost immediately after something else ends. And I just don't get that. How can you push your feelings and hurt away so quickly, heal the wounds and present them to someone else to rip open again? Even though I'm over all of that healing process (most days) I still feel unready to jump back in.
And I feel bad about it. That I have to be so cold hearted and callous to any affection and to push away anyone who tries. I've gone on dates this summer and I just get angry at myself thinking, "Lauren, this is a perfectly nice guy who hasn't done anything wrong to you. Why can't you give him a chance? Why can't you return his affections?" There's this one guy who is completely kind and understanding but I've just shut him out and pretty much told him that there's no chance and he just keeps trying. How do you let someone down who's done nothing wrong and tell them it's just you, that things aren't going to change? I truly don't know.
Have any of you experienced this ever? This total and utter aversion to dating, relationships, and all that jazz?
With much love, Lauren.
