SomeoneLikeYou Thursday, July 11, 2013
The Limited Floral Slit Midi Skirt, Black Heels: Thrifted.
Leather Jacket: H&M.
White Bustier: Aeropostale.
This summer has certainly not been what I expected in a lot of ways. But really, how can you predict the way anything will go the summer after spending a year by yourself at college? I actually thought that things would turn out a lot worse than they have, so that's definitely a good thing. There are however, unexpected challenges I didn't think I would have to face that really surprised me.
I've been pleasantly surprised at my social interactions this summer. I thought it was going to be miserable coming back to a place where I was really friends with no one after having the friendships of my dreams at college. Most days I'm able to hang out with a variety of people though who are great company and make me regret not trying to get closer to people while I went to high school here. In a way I think I caused a lot of my loneliness myself by closing myself off to others, but a lot of it was also having nothing in common with people here. It's been a huge relief to have connected with high school friends though and made new friends through a youth group. I have not had terrible bouts of loneliness!
Something else I was very afraid of about coming back home was my depression returning. I found my happiest self at Kent and was very afraid of coming back to where I found my most unhappy. Although I do get sad some times (like a normal human) it is not the extent of my depression last summer; the worst being last July. It's been nearly a year since I've had to attend therapy and I find no hints of the depression making its ways to my days. This also has been a big relief to me and I am so thankful for my mental stability and happiness.
My job situation started off pretty precarious at the beginning of the summer and had me very worried. How was I going to make money? What if I didn't get enough hours? Things worked out great though and I am getting a lot more hours at Aero and have a lot of specialty positions that I love. I babysit once a week all day long, and of course have my store which has surprisingly been more successful than I thought (I don't have much confidence in myself). Although I would LIKE to work more and most of my of my days aren't as busy as I'd prefer them to be I am thankful that I have a job that makes me happy this summer (unlike the previous four years) and one that allows me to bring home some money.
A lot of the things I was worried about have turned out okay! It was the things I wasn't expecting that have given me a hard time this summer or a harder time then I would have liked. I've found to hard to adjust to being home and not being independent. It surprised me how much I enjoyed my independence at college and it's been hard to adjust to not having as much now. It's just somewhat frustrating to have to always report where I am and have my parents worry over me and where I'm at where at college I just did what I pleased and didn't have to ask permission. I miss that free independence of making my own schedule and it's caused some head butting with my parents this summer. I've also really missed being able to swim and exercise as I'd like because the rec center was free and convenient to use at Kent and here it is quite costly. Swimming helped release a lot of frustrations for me and I often feel them building up here with no way to release.
Something I also don't talk about very often on here any more is how I am still coping with my break up. It's been nearly a year and in the beginning I talked very adamantly about it and have since died down. It's not that it's still not an active part of my life because it is; I chose not to talk about it on here anymore. I actually don't talk about it at all to anyone which I don't think is necessarily a good thing. I used talking about it and venting as much as possible the first months and even into the new year. I've gone through a lot of different stages of feelings but I've felt I've sunk into a very 'I don't want to talk, think, or ask about it.' I push it to the back of my mind and heart, not even really writing about it because every time I do I get very upset. For some reason I've been having the most frequent nightmares lately which I've had in the last year but they had somewhat died down. It has been very emotionally taxing on me to have to go through my first summer in five years without his company. It's the last season I've spent 'alone' and I'm ready to get it over with because it is the most tender season for me. It is when we first met, fell in love, and spent the best days of our relationship. It is also when we were at our lowest and fell apart. So I have many mixed feelings I don't think I let myself address but just kind of brush off and tuck away. I don't know whether to let this phase just pass and let it be, or to try and push and at least let myself write in my personal journal about it. I've always been a very feeling person so it surprises me that I force anything to do with the situation out of my mind. If you all could perhaps pray for me it would mean a lot because I think that is the biggest darkness in my life I still struggle with.
I didn't really plan on writing that much tonight but it just kind of spilled out! I just wanted to let you all know a little more in depth how my summer has been going because I really feel I've fell away a bit for sharing my personal feelings and that's one of my favorite parts of my blog.
Hope you all are well ♥
With much love, Lauren.