I don't get OCD panic attack as often as I used to (hardly ever), but just because I'm on medication doesn't mean that they still don't reoccur in my life from time to time.
My OCD comes from one night when I was 12 I woke up and was sick with the stomach flu. Ever since then, I've been deathly afraid of throwing up and have resulted to obsessive hand washing, denying myself food, and going into these panic like attacks where I grow so scared I'm sick, even though nothing is wrong. I still get these panic attacks at night sometimes, when I still feel most scared after what happened to me 8 years ago.
On Friday night I had randomly woken up at 5:30 in the morning and instantly felt wide awake. Most people would just roll over and fall back asleep, but as always my obsessive mind thought the only reason that I must have woken up was because I was going to be sick. I sat there in my bed, in a cold sweat, working myself up about possibly being sick. I had my hand on the phone to call my parents but it was so early I didn't want to wake them. I could feel myself growing with panic with each minute, and my usual deep breathing and 'taking myself to a calm place' wasn't working. Like before, I work myself up so much over thinking I'm sick, that I actually make myself physically sick with worry.
I felt like I had to get to the bathroom to sit on the floor in case I threw up, so I got out of my bunk bed and was going to go to the bathroom when I thought about my Bible.
I picked it up and flipped to the chapter of Matthew I'm currently reading, and saw that a few chapters ahead I had circled a verse that inspired one of my favorite songs, Oceans. I skipped ahead to read Matthew 14:22-31 and this is what it said:
Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it. Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
And I was so comforted by this verse; that night God knew I needed it. He placed it right there for me to see. I am Peter. I battle these panic attacks thinking I can overcome this mental illness myself, but like Peter in the waves, soon it engulfs me and I start to become afraid. And when I start to doubt, I begin to sink further and further into my worry and panic. But if I just reach out to God, just call out to Him like I did Friday night...He will rescue me. He will comfort me. He will heal me.
This is the first time God has answered me through prayer with scripture. It is an overwhelming, awesome feeling to have Him answer me and show me His love. I am so blessed.
♥ You call me out upon the water//the great unknown, where feet may fail//and there I find you in the mystery//in oceans deep//my faith will stand ♥
With much love, Lauren.
