SomeoneLikeYou Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Dress, Hat: c/o OASAP.
Sandals: c/o Boohoo.
Necklace: c/o SparkleBox.
Everyone thinks I'm crazy. And I can't blame them really. Maybe a few years from now I will look back with jaded remorse and see in hindsight that I really was crazy and that I should have listened to everyone else. Or maybe, and this is what I really hope, I'll be the one who gets to smile triumphantly back at those people in defiance, in pure glee, and say "I was right. This was right for me."
I want to move back to New York. I mean, I really, really do. When my eyelids flutter open into the brilliant morning sunlight cascading through my blinds it's the first thing I think about; and usually as I drift away to the monotonous clicking of my ceiling fan into the final day's rest it's the last thing I think about. I'll think about it as I drum my pencil mindlessly against the desk while I sit in hot and sticky classrooms learning about apparel in the global economy or my much less favored geography course. I'll think about it as I walk through campus on the pathways with giant trees towering over me with their leaves just beginning to gently fall down as the autumnal equinox takes over today. And then I think about it every time I make a cafe mocha or a latte or a smoothie or a cappuccino at my barista job. Because I think, "making this drink is going to get me there. I'm going to get there."
I'm going to get there. I don't care if the housing market is less than 1% free. I don't care if it's the most cut throat industry where competing for jobs is like competing for the world cup. I don't care that I'll be a broke college graduate with the foreboding of student loans as my six months after I graduate creeps up. I can say I don't care, I don't care, I don't care about all these things....and in a way, I don't. But in another way I do so much. Because as much as they are realities I want to overcome, to defeat, to stand victoriously over...they are realities I cannot brush off nonchalantly. They terrify me because they stand in the way of my dream and my need to get back to this city where I never, ever in a million years imagined I would be.
I want to remain positive, to remain confident that I can find a job before I graduate that pays well enough to let me live in a half way decent place and make it without starving. I want to be able to stare those people in the eye who smirk at me and say, "you think you can do it? you really think you can?" and say
"yes. I will. I did. And I'll continue to."
Some days seem hopeless. I look at my situation and I just don't know. I look at the prices of apartments and my heart sinks. I'll think about the connections and credentials it takes to find a fashion job in New York City. And then I think about what it means to pay all my bills and be completely on my own; maybe only seeing my family a few times a year. And I don't know if I can do it.
And then. I remember standing on the Brooklyn Bridge looking back at the City and being awestruck by its beauty. Truly, breathless with love. And knowing, (that feeling when you just know, with all your heart, soul, and mind) that that is where you belong. And I think back to that moment, all the time. And I want to relive it every day for the rest of my life, over and over again knowing I am where I belong. That my soul will finally find rest in where it resides.
Maybe this next time someone looks at me with doubt I'll be able to look at them with confidence and say, and mean it
"Yes, I'm going to move to New York."
With much love, Lauren.