Feeling Lost at 23.

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Brooklyn Style | Lauren Pfieffer
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Grey Lace Dress (similar) | Forever21
Denim Jacket (exact) | Thrifted
Silk Scarf (similar for $10)| Thrifted
Black Pointed Flats (similar) | Thrifted
Loop Ring Tote Bag | Forever21

I don't write so much anymore on here because sometimes I don't know how to write about my life anymore. Things seem so much more complicated then when I started this blog at 16. This was my place to come and write in order to freely to get out all my frustrations. Sometimes I think I spoke a little too candidly about my life. It was hard not to though when I was going through so many emotions and obstacles throughout high school and then college. This blog was my best-friend.

I've graduated now and I suppose I should be an adult. I really try to be. I'm 23 years old and when I was a little girl, I thought this age seemed so old. So responsible. I feel neither of those things. I just feel young still (too young to be doing any of this) and naïve and often times very irresponsible.

What I'm trying to say is. Post-grad life is hard. I was so positive who I was for so many years and maybe that's why it was so easy to write everything on here. I took things at face value for how my life was and accepted it.

I can't accept life now because I have no grasp on it. It's like water slipping through my hands. Sand disappearing through the cracks of my fingers. What do you do with your life after you graduate? Who are you? I was defined by my studies for so long.

"Hi, nice to meet you. My name is Lauren and I'm a fashion merchandising student at Kent State University."

Then it becomes.

"Hi my name is Lauren. I'm...I...Actually, I don't know what I am anymore."

It's not the city that has me questioning who I am. Despite it being so vast and so complicated, I feel like it's easier here to find my way than it would be back in Ohio. In Ohio there's limited options. If I'm feeling desperate and panicked when I have all the options in the world, imagine what I would feel like if I had not so many choices? I imagine very trapped.

I don't feel trapped. I feel free. But a little too free. I want to be grounded. To have a string to follow home when I'm up in the sky soaring around, surveying all around me and trying to figure out my connection to it. They don't teach you how to cope with all of this in college. That should be a requirement before every student graduates. "How to make it in the real world 101 because life is scary as hell."

I'm not sure if I'll ever feel as safely grounded as I did in all my years of school. Perhaps the days of certainty in my life are an abandoned cause. Wandering and confusion can be good for the soul. I'm just scared if I'm gone too long I won't be able to find my way back.

With much love,

Lauren
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7 lovely little notes:

Girl and Closet said...

Firstly, your outfit is absolutely beautiful Lauren. Seriously, just pinned it and can't wait to re-create something similar soon!! As for your period of questioning?... I think it's totally normal, went through the same thing in my early twenties and I know you'll find your way soon, plus stronger than ever!! xo

www.girlandcloset.com

Anonymous said...

My dear, dear Lauren,

I've never gone to, or graduated, college, and my own life @ 23 was very different from yours - that said - yeahhh, I sure know that feeling of being - untethered ... I have a previous connection to this area I'm living in now, but even here in my quiet place in the country, with all my past connections, belonging to a home Bible study that meets in 3, 8-week, sessions (next Friday starts!!!), has really connected and grounded me even deeper, sometimes in odd ways - "oh I'll go eat at Burger King because I'll see Sherry!" .... As I said in the beginning, my own life is different, was different, is different, so I prayed while doing a Google search, and the first thing that came up has me so excited, I wish I was there! A Hillsong branch of a church in NYC?!!! The link I found with the article is: urbanbushbabes.com/two-incredible-churches-to-check-out-in-nyc-hillsong-nyc-and-. .... Now, I will say this, too: I know you're an introvert ... but if you're not feeling the church thing right now, there are some terrific places to volunteer - from God's Love We Deliver, to an animal rescue organization with the name "Badass" (not kidding! and right in Brooklyn, too - I sent you that link in a Facebook message) -- my point being: if you're connected, you shall certainly! feel less lost. And I know that as a fact!

Love you!
Jeannee
Sparkle4Jesus@outlook.com

Sammi Cohen said...

Beautiful girl, please know that what you're feeling is COMPLETELY normal for where you are in your life. Hell, I even felt this way up until like, age 26. And even then, we are always growing and changing and finding out new things about ourselves – which is a fantastic thing, but it can sometimes come with feeling a bit lost. Post-grad life is really hard to navigate, and even the people who SEEM to have it all together sometimes reeeeeally don't. I've always been a bit of a late bloomer in regards to finding my way, and you need to know that it is 100% okay that you're figuring it out. None of us has it figured out. I'm a month away from my 28th birthday, and I *just now* feel like I've forged my path and that I'm getting to where I want to be, with a clearer idea for what I want in this stage of my life. Seriously, you're doing great. Know that what you're doing is spectacular, even if you don't feel like it. You are taking steps to make your life into what you want. You're living in the place you wanted to be in most, you graduated from a great program and are (I think? I can't remember what you're currently doing for work) doing something that's related to your expertise. What you've accomplished already is so much more than what many people do. Have faith in yourself that you will find your way. I believe wholeheartedly that someone as capable and intelligent as you are, with such a good heart and work ethic, will get to where she's supposed to be. Just be patient, believe in yourself, and enjoy the journey. <3

Hannah said...

Hi Lauren! I'm 30 and still feel lost a lot of times. If I think about what is different for me now vs in my early twenties, it's that I learned that there is so much to learn in every chapter of your life. So you become more OK with being lost and learn how to ride with it. From reading your blog I sense that you are an introspective person. As a fellow deep feeler and processer, I've found that going to therapy has been really helpful because it's helped me grow so much as a person through especially harder times. Being compassionate with myself has been the biggest thing that I learned through therapy. We are so hard on ourselves. Check out this blog post on compassion if you have time and interest: http://confessionsofabanshee.com/shit-my-therapist-says/

Amanda S said...

First off, your outfit is perfect for the changing of the seasons here! Fall is such a great season because a little bit of summer is being mixed in with the better parts of winter for wardrobes.

I've been reading your blog for some time but commented only now and then. For years there have been at times, especially between jobs or working at the restaurant that I had no clue where the journey of my life was taking me. Even my physical being would mill around aimlessly. But please do not fear. Start looking at it as an unwritten script and know that things will work out. There are bumps along the way but don't look at them as dead ends, just obstacles to climb over that will show you what you are made of. At 26, I'm still on this long, long journey with you and quite a few others so don't think you are along either.

Noemi Jimenez said...

Hey Lauren!

Girl, I totally get how you feel. I will never feel my real age. In fact, I feel 23 and I'm 29 years old. What you're going through is totally normal and as a previous reader mentioned, it's all part of the process of life. It really is. And as another reader commented, you are doing such an awesome job. Seriously! Girl you should be very proud of where you are right now. I'm super proud of you. You're doing many things I wish I could do. Hello New York dream city! Hello Fashion World! Hello Social Media! Let the flow keep flowing, you're experiencing life. It's a beautiful thing, one day you will reflect on these feelings and be grateful that they were there simmering your thoughts about life.

Much love to you Lauren!

Laura Angelus said...

Hi Lauren, I felt similar to you at that age (I'm 50 now!) and wasn't ready to "grow up" and be done with school. So I worked for two years and saved my pennies and then went to graduate school for a year. I loved every minute of it and was ready to find a job after that- mostly because I was broke by then, haha. But it was a very satisfying experience and helped me focus more on where I wanted to go career wise. Just a thought! Am loving reading your blog and seeing your vintage finds. Also enjoying the photos of New York, you make it look very inviting. Hang in there and let your intuition tell you what you need- time will tell! Laura from Chicago

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